I Regret Almost Everything

McNally details the history of his restaurant Pastis, which opened in 1998. It was difficult to secure the Pastis space because the building was owned by a notorious New York landlord named Bill Gottlieb. However, McNally deftly managed Gottlieb’s idiosyncratic personality and successfully opened Pastis. A decade later, he’d open a second Pastis with the help of Bobby Cayre.

McNally reflects on his relationship with Alina. In 2000, the two moved in together, now sharing McNally’s SoHo apartment. He recalls the months they spent together and their on-again/off-again dynamic. This period was also peppered with McNally’s ancillary relationships, including with a famous actress he refers to as X. The dynamic was complicated and confusing for McNally, as X only showed interest in him because of his restaurateur success. The relationship became even more confusing when sleeping with X made McNally miss Alina—with whom he was temporarily separated. However, when he and Alina reunited, he began to miss X again. After writing her a frustrated letter one night, he decided to let X go.

Three years after Balthazar opened, McNally considered opening a sister restaurant in Las Vegas. The offer was almost irresistible, but McNally turned it down and opened Schiller’s Liquor Bar on the Lower East Side instead. The restaurant didn’t last long, but it felt fun and truer to McNally than any Las Vegas restaurant ever could have.

McNally found further aesthetic and artistic inspiration from his hikes through England in the early aughts. The monasteries and the work of Giorgio Morandi were especially influential. He even named one of his restaurants Morandi after the painter. Not long later he opened Minetta Tavern, his 10th restaurant. Nasr and Hanson were still working for McNally at the time. However, when they tried intervening and demanding more shares in the restaurants, McNally refused. They’d go on to open other successful restaurants, and McNally’s restaurants would temporarily suffer as a result.

McNally recalls his 2008 trip to Guadeloupe with Alina, George, Alice, and his father. He read Life with Picasso while away and developed an interest in Picasso’s former girlfriend Françoise Gilot. Not long later, he connected with Gilot and shared dinners with her at his restaurants. He also met Monica Lewinsky at Balthazar in 2014, an encounter that clarified his misconceptions of her story.

McNally reflects on his successes throughout the aughts. He became overly confident. Even bad reviews didn’t deter customers. Therefore, when Pulino’s started to fail, McNally did everything to revive the restaurant. Then in 2011, he opened another Balthazar in London. He reflects on all the work he invested in the project.

McNally remarks on the important relationships that contributed to his success. Most notably, his server and manager Roberta Rossini Delice was essential to opening his restaurant Augustine. However, while the New York Times complemented its aesthetic, they heavily critiqued its food. McNally feared he was losing his touch in the industry.

McNally details the circumstances surrounding his brother Peter’s death in 2017. McNally had known Peter was sick with cancer, but they hadn’t been in regular communication. McNally claims that Peter had hermetic tendencies and often removed himself from others. McNally also muses on Peter’s work as a spy, suggesting that what made him good at espionage inhibited his interpersonal relationships.

In the months after his stroke, McNally fell into a depression. He cut off contact with everyone outside his family. Meanwhile, he was constantly stressed about his restaurants. This was also the start of the #MeToo era. In 2017, McNally was accused of sexual harassment by his assistant Ava Meadows. Ava claimed that McNally had pressured her to shower with and massage him after his stroke. McNally claims innocence, explaining that he only asked her to hand him a towel and was clothed. Despite his defense, McNally still had to pay Ava $220,000. After the settlement, Ava withdrew her allegations and apologized.

McNally details all of the ways his stroke has changed his life. He still has trouble speaking and can’t use his right hand. He’s had to relearn basic skills, which is frustrating because he loves language so much.

In 2017, McNally and Alina stopped talking. Meanwhile, he pursued a new rehab treatment in San Diego. The program was ineffective for McNally, augmenting his discouragement. Six weeks later, however, he found a new set of therapists at Mount Sinai Hospital. He also received treatment in Chicago after another neurological surgery. The only downside of this post-op therapy—which included Botox injections—was that Dr. Sutcliffe was obsessed with restaurants and bombarded McNally with news of his competitors’ successes during their sessions.

McNally considers how his stroke changed his perspective. Although his recovery was slow, he continued working, hoping that keeping busy would ward off his depression. With Ian McPheely, McNally codesigned a new Pastis. The plans were progressing until McNally’s investor Dick Robinson withdrew his investment just before opening. However, a nightclub owner named Marc Packer “expressed interest” and agreed “to form a partnership” with McNally (238). Fellow restaurateur Stephen Starr was also integral to the new restaurant’s success. Eventually, McNally gained the support of the neighborhood and secured Pastis’s liquor license, too. He felt hopeful afterward, unaware that he’d soon encounter disaster in his personal life.