I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

They elected not to read a draft of the manuscript and waited until it was published. Upon reading it, they were deeply embarrassed that they had not been more helpful and that their commentary sounded dry. Nevertheless, they realized that Sehee’s account of her work in therapy was much more vivid and life-like than their own session notes. They are sure now that this memoir is important because it gives a realistic, honest look at the therapeutic process. They hope that this kind of formatting will be especially useful to readers who are themselves struggling with their mental health. They wish to communicate the idea that progress is possible for everyone.

The Poison of Cheer

Sehee recalls that her mother had low self-esteem and was critical of both herself and others. She leveled much of her criticism at her children, and Sehee feels that she and her sister were bound to struggle with anxiety, self-esteem, and the tendency to be hyper-critical. She also realizes, as an adult, that her mother wanted her daughter to have the qualities that she herself lacked and then judged them when they fell short of her expectations. 

Sehee understands that many of her adult problems are rooted in childhood. She also reflects on how unhelpful her mother was when Sehee reached out about her low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Her mother told her to just cheer up and stop thinking her bad thoughts. Others have echoed this sentiment numerous times in her life, and each time someone said it, it was unhelpful. 

Sehee argues that empathy is a better way to approach low self-esteem and mental health struggles in others and that self-acceptance is a better way for individuals battling low self-esteem to manage their feelings. She wants her readers to understand that “Being imperfect is alright and being awkward is okay” (160). This advice, she thinks, is much better than telling someone to “Cheer Up.”

Turning My Gaze

Whenever Sehee feels depressed or anxious, she adjusts her attitude and refocuses her energy on something more positive. This one small step can alter an entire day and buoy her out of a negative feedback loop.

A Life’s Work

Sehee argues that it is easier to find good writing than good people. She thinks that being a truly good person is difficult, even for her. She is often troubled by her hypocrisy but struggles to be as accepting as she knows she should be. She is trying harder to accept flaws in both other people and in herself.

The Question of Love

Sehee has always been motivated by love and hopes that love continues to guide her actions. She thinks that love produces better actions, better relationships, and even better writing.

Solitude is a Very Special Place

Solitude is a critical part of Sehee’s routine. Especially as an introvert, she finds that she needs quiet time alone to escape the emotional noise of everyday life.

Suffering and Consolation

Sometimes, when an individual is suffering, it is best not to ruminate on the cause of their distress. During these situations, Sehee recommends reading. Reading can be an important, powerful source of escape.

A Life With No Modifiers

Sehee wishes that modifiers and qualifications were less important in culture. She feels, for example, that when people find out that she has a creative writing degree, they expect her to be a better writer. This establishes expectations that create anxiety. She also judges other people based on their “modifiers,” their qualifications, and this tendency also upsets her. She decides to delete her work and school information from Facebook and to stop asking people where they obtained their degrees.

Dream

Sehee has a dream about her family. In it, they are happy. As she tries to remember it, however, it fades.

Grandmother

Sehee’s feelings for her grandmother are complex. Although she loves her, they do not often have much to say to each other, and it isn’t very interesting where her grandmother lives. She hopes that what she feels for her grandmother is closer to love than pity.

Cliched and Stupid Lies

Sehee feels shame after running into her company’s CEO and responding to his question about her ambition for the year with the goals of remaining healthy and editing a best-seller. She does not even like best-sellers, and wonders why she said what she did.

My Aunt

Sehee’s grandmother is in town for routine medical care. Her aunt does not help, and Sehee wonders why. Then, she recalls the years of assistance and emotional support that her aunt provided when Sehee and her siblings were young and decides not to judge her for her present behavior.

My Dogs, My All

Sehee has three dogs, Boogie, Suji, and Juding. Juding is nearing the end of his life, but her other dogs are young. Juding’s impending death breaks her heart, and then she berates herself for always worrying and focusing on negatives rather than positives.

Togetherness

Sehee has come to the realization that it is better not to shut other people out. She used to maintain emotional distance between herself and others, but therapy helped her to be both more open and more authentic in her interactions. She has enjoyed the companionship and camaraderie this change has introduced into her life.

A Very Dark Time

Sehee is constantly at war with herself. She wants to be “bright and honest,” but cannot always access her authentic self (187). She feels that she must always pay attention to her persona, and this leads her to act in a way that she finds dishonest. She wishes that she could be more comfortable with who she is underneath the façade that she presents to others.

Fiction

Sehee worries that her only true talent is making other people feel bad about themselves.

Buried, and Kept Buried

Sehee thinks that a person’s attitude is more important than their character.

Romanticism and Cynicism

Sehee knows that she shouldn’t judge a person based on one, single moment or action, but she often does. She finds that she vacillates between romanticism and cynicism, and that this action helps her to forget the “lukewarm boredom of life” (192). She fears this boredom more than anything, because she feels that numbness is the worst possible state of being.