I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

Sehee acknowledges that she should love herself regardless of her appearance. She knows that, because of her family and society in general, she has been taught to only value beauty and thinness. She is worthy no matter what she looks like, and she hopes to obsess less about her appearance going forward.

Sehee takes an online self-esteem quiz and receives a low score. The score is higher than the last time she took the quiz, but she is still unhappy with the results. She wishes that she felt better about herself, but struggles because her anxiety often manifests as hostility. This, in turn, makes her feel like a “bad” person in spite of the fact that she is actually quite empathetic. She wishes that there were not such a gulf between how she feels and how she acts.

Sehee’s therapist asks her how she has been doing. She tells them that she shared her worries about her appearance with her new romantic partner, and he told her that if she felt too much pressure, she didn’t have to meet his friends. She also allowed him to read some of her writing aloud, but struggled with feelings of inadequacy as she listened. 

She does feel that she made progress in her daily interactions with her coworker, however: One of her coworkers came to her with a problem to discuss, as they often do, but Sehee was not in the right frame of mind to listen empathetically. Rather than lashing out and then feeling like a “bad” person for being unkind, she changed her inner monologue: She told herself that it wouldn’t cost her anything to listen, and the fact that this colleague felt so comfortable with Sehee was a sign of how empathetic she is.

They move on to an in-depth discussion of self-esteem. Sehee wishes that self-esteem weren’t so important, and her psychiatrist urges her to reframe her thinking about it. They explain that self-esteem is actually important, but it doesn’t have to scare her. For people with healthy self-esteem, both compliments and criticism are easy to hear. They do not interpret a compliment as potentially back-handed, and they do not feel the sting of criticism so harshly. They know who they are and do not put so much stock in other people’s opinions. 

The psychiatrist notes that if Sehee can increase her self-esteem, it will not seem like such a worrisome concept to her: Self-esteem can actually help minimize many of her most upsetting symptoms. The psychiatrist also notes that life is difficult with people who manage their low self-esteem by “puffing” themselves up, purposely acting much more confident than they are. For these individuals, developing healthy self-esteem involves “deflating” their assumed personality and starting over. This is just as difficult as the process Sehee must undergo.

Sehee then shares that she would like to drink less alcohol. She and the psychiatrist discuss her drinking and decide that she is not physically dependent on alcohol and doesn’t merit treatment. Sehee adds that she does not want to stop drinking, but just confine her drinking to the weekends. The psychiatrist explains that, for her, this is just a matter of willpower.

Sehee understands that her black-and-white thinking is the root of much of her unhappiness and is working to change it. She still struggles with this kind of thinking in her romantic relationship. She is also trying to drink less. In spite of her efforts, life lately has still been a struggle. She finds herself wanting to shout at people and then berating herself for her lack of empathy.

Sehee has had a difficult week. She shares with her psychiatrist that her company’s Instagram account, which she used to manage, is now another team’s responsibility. After viewing their first few posts, she was sure that the new team did a better job than she used to. She worries that everyone else thinks so, too.

Sehee tells the psychiatrist that she’s gained weight and feels terrible about herself. She admits that she judges other people for gaining weight or for being overweight, and that this is part of why she is so self-critical. The psychiatrist urges her not to judge others or herself. 

They proceed to a discussion of her medication. The psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s working as well as it should, but Sehee doesn’t want to stop taking it. Although she’s struggled lately and often finds herself in tears, she thinks the medication helps her enough to warrant continued use.

Sehee reads a book in which the author argues that the word “suicide” should be changed to “free death” to honor people whose lives are so difficult that they make the decision to die by suicide. She decides to quit her job. She thinks that life is innately changeable and that it might be time for her to do something different.

Sehee admits to feeling “completely drained” (143). She cannot find the energy to work or interact with her co-workers. She feels jealous, anxious, and resentful. She is no longer sure that she is a good person. She tells her psychiatrist that she has had a terrible week. She informed her boss that she was quitting and was honest that she wanted to do so for mental health reasons. Her supervisor was sympathetic and assured Sehee that they would talk about changing her role when she was ready to return to work. She has been binge-eating and feels depressed about the resulting weight gain. 

She wants to write a book and start a business, but she needs a vacation first. Although her relationship with her romantic partner has been going well, Sehee has decided to travel alone. She’ll visit the temples at Gyeongju, hoping that the peaceful place will help her to feel better. She admits that she feels she has hit rock bottom. The psychiatrist pushes back against this claim, noting that she is just having a particularly difficult time but that it is a phase. They decide to adjust her medication.