I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

“Classic signs such as hearing voices, intrusive thoughts, and self-harming aren’t the only signs of depression. Just as a light flu can make your body hurt, a light depression can make our minds ache all over.”

Here, the author uses a metaphor to help explain why dysthymia is truly difficult and should be treated as seriously as other, more debilitating forms of depression. She describes an experience that many individuals have had, influenza, to convey how much of a struggle even a “light” illness can be. In “translating” her experience with dysthymia into understandable terms, she invites her readers to confront their own biases and preconceived notions about mental health.

“The memories are vague now, but according to my old diary entries I was clearly not an optimist, and I would feel down from time to time.”

Sehee has long kept a diary, but she learns in therapy that her entries were mostly a third-person narrative that lacked self-reflection. Although she can look back and make observations about the likely roots of her depression, she has never been introspective enough to truly understand herself. During her sessions, Sehee learns to analyze her emotions rather than just react to them.

“They have this euphemism for it now, ‘marital disputes,’ but it’s just violence, isn’t it?”

Part of Sehee’s adult difficulties are rooted in childhood trauma. Her father was an abusive man, and his violence was never openly addressed. Since the family norm was to ignore abuse and dysfunction, Sehee developed the habit of ignoring her own problems. She will need to carefully examine her habits and behaviors in therapy in order to move beyond some of her unhealthy patterns and limiting beliefs.

“I’m very empathetic. I also feel pressure to be empathetic, which means whenever someone would share an experience with me, I’d find myself lying and saying I’d been through the same thing.”

This admission illustrates Sehee’s psychiatrist’s assertions about her tendency to idealize. She creates an idealized version of herself, in this case a hyper-empathetic person who never struggles to relate to others, and then feels guilt and shame when the reality of her personality fails to match its ideal.

“When you’re having a hard time, it’s natural to think you’re having the hardest time in the world.”

Here, the psychiatrist provides Sehee with a piece of advice that is helpful to her and that she hopes will be helpful to her readers. A large part of Sehee’s unhappiness during the worst of her depression was rooted in the belief that she was alone in her struggles. The psychiatrist explains that much of what Sehee has been experiencing is actually quite common and that she is not alone.

“Feelings of envy are very common. It means you have ideals. But feelings of envy coupled with constant comparisons of one’s self is something distinct.”

Sehee seeks out professional mental health help because she wants to break free from unhealthy patterns and create a more grounded and functional self. Here, the psychiatrist helps Sehee to distinguish between envy rooted in “ideals” and envy rooted in comparisons, which is a reflection of her low self-esteem. In guiding Sehee to see herself in a more nuanced way and to identify problematic beliefs, the therapist reveals Therapy as Collaborative Self-Authorship.

“She’s really special, and I’m so ordinary and basic. That’s the thought that really tortures me.”

The psychiatrist notes early on that Sehee has many cognitive distortions, inaccurate perceptions that adversely impact the way she sees the world and shape her own unhealthy response patterns. Here, she admits that she finds her new friend much more interesting than she is. Sehee’s fixation on the idea that she is too “basic” is a recurring element in the text, with Sehee often circling back in her therapy sessions to how she constantly worries people will not be able to like her for who she really is. This reflects The Impact of Long-Term Depression on Personal and Professional Lives.

“There is no absolute good when it comes to relationships, and its perfectly healthy to have disagreements with friends and lovers from time to time.”

The psychiatrist establishes that Sehee thinks about almost everything in absolutes. The psychiatrist helps her to see that she has flaws, and so do her friends. They urge Sehee to allow people to be complex, multi-faceted, but also imperfect. This is one of the most important pieces of therapeutic advice Sehee receives, reflecting Therapy as Collaborative Self-Authorship.

“You either lash out or endure.”

Sehee’s behavior is also a study in absolutes. The psychiatrist helps her to see that she either remains passive in difficult situations (“endure”) or becomes combative (“lash out”). Each option upsets her: Passivity makes her feel weak, and lashing out fills her with shame and regret. Sehee will have to learn to step back from emotional responses and develop the ability to find a middle ground in the way that she interacts with people.

“It’s your self-esteem. If you had high self-esteem and were sure of your tastes, you wouldn’t care if you were criticized or mocked.”

Self-esteem is one of Sehee’s key focal points as she navigates the therapeutic process. She and the psychiatrist return to it time and time again in their efforts to get Sehee to alter her unhealthy behavioral patterns. She makes progress at times, but other times regresses. Sehee’s repeated struggles to develop healthier self-esteem reflect the Non-Linear Nature of the Therapeutic Process.

“You should be proud that you approached her and expressed yourself.”

This line, spoken by Sehee’s psychiatrist, helps to illustrate Therapy as Collaborative Self-Authorship. Together, the two work to help Sehee reframe her limiting beliefs and change her self-damaging behaviors. During this moment, the psychiatrist provides Sehee with the positive feedback that she is not yet able to give herself, both validating her progress and modeling positive self-talk for her.

“I was ashamed of my pain, which is why it took so long for me to acknowledge the side effects of my medication.”

Shame is one of Sehee’s unhealthy thought patterns, and it impacts both how she sees herself and her orientation towards others. Here, she acknowledges that she has withheld information from her psychiatrist because of her shame, even though she understands that her psychiatrist does not judge her and only wants to help. Sehee’s inability to listen to any but her most critical inner voices adds to her broader difficulties and becomes one of the most challenging patterns to overcome.

“The more I hurt others, the bigger my own wounds become.”

Sehee’s contradictory habit of judging other people for traits she dislikes in herself becomes one of her largest challenges. A fundamentally empathetic individual, she knows the sting of criticism well. In speaking figuratively of how her own “wounds” become “bigger” whenever she lashes out at someone else, she invokes The Impact of Long-Term Depression on Personal and Professional Lives, drawing attention to how her behavior impacts herself as well as others.

“Do you pay attention to your appearances in the morning when you are getting ready?”

Sehee does not initially reveal the way she fixates on her appearance to her therapist because she is ashamed of it. It is only after the therapist establishes a trusting relationship that she opens up about her struggle with self-image and with her weight. Sehee’s body dysmorphia speaks to her habit of setting unrealistic expectations and creating an idealized self-image that is grounded in her perceptions of what other people want to see in her rather than in any real truth of who she is as an individual.

“I really feel obsessive about my face and my charm. I really feel I have no charm.”

Sehee’s certainty that she is neither physically attractive (her “face”) nor interesting socially (her worries about “charm”) is rooted in the idealized self, which she has constructed and which she will never realize. Self-image is one area that she and the psychiatrist work on that remains difficult for Sehee, even as she experiences other moments of progress during therapy. Her struggles to consistently build up her self-esteem reflect The Non-Linear Nature of the Therapeutic Process.

“The social gaze is so insidious.”

Sehee’s invocation of the “social gaze” being “insidious” speaks to the pressures she feels from social norms about how women should look and behave. She battles both an internal mechanism and the external forces that tell women that they are valuable only if they are beautiful and worthy of affection only if they conform to strict standards.

“I’m trying to fix my habit of thinking in extremes.”

Thinking in extremes is one of Sehee’s most damaging habits, and it becomes one of the key focal points during her therapy sessions. She initially struggles to alter this habit, although she is eventually able to make progress. Part of that process for Sehee is naming the habit, not only during therapy, as she does here, but also as she experiences it. This process reflects the way that she and her psychiatrist “co-author” her new self, working together and deepening Therapy as Collaborative Self-Authorship.

“Your self-esteem determines how you feel about the sincerity of others.”

Here, the psychiatrist helps Sehee to understand that self-esteem isn’t just the stories that individuals tell themselves. It is also the basis for better emotional self-regulation. If Sehee can see herself in a more positive light, she will be less sensitive to what others say to and about her. This, in turn, will help her to decrease her emotional volatility and remain calmer in her day-to-day life.

“I’m also two-faced, because I look down on others in silence.”

Sehee struggles with contradictions. Although she worries constantly about other people’s judgment, she cannot stop herself from judging others. Here, she admits how difficult this contradiction is for her, with her admitting that she is “two-faced,” speaking to how what she projects outward to others does not always reflect her authentic feelings and thoughts. She describes the additional burden of feeling ashamed of her momentary lack of empathy. Sehee’s self-judgement, her criticism of others, and this shame will all become key focal points during therapy.

“Am I really a warm person? I don’t think of myself as a good person, to be honest. I just don’t want my sensitivity and anxiety to be embarrassing to others, that’s all.”

Sehee’s depression comes and goes in waves, and part of her stated goal in writing this memoir is to help others accept The Non-Linear Nature of the Therapeutic Process. Here, in spite of recent progress, Sehee backslides. She is no longer able to access the new inner monologue that quiets her feelings of inadequacy. Moments like this render the memoir more open and honest and provide a realistic account of the setbacks involved in therapy.

“Do you feel motivated in your writing?”

Sehee’s choice to narrate much of this memoir in the form of therapy transcripts provides the reader with an in-depth account of the therapeutic process. Questions like these illustrate the role of Sehee’s psychiatrist: They practice active, empathetic listening with Sehee, but also ask critical questions that help Sehee access self-reflection when she is struggling. Here, during a session in which Sehee wanders from topic to topic and feels despondency and frustration, the psychiatrist pointedly asks about Sehee’s writing, helping her to take an emotional step back and think critically about the way her writing helps her.

“I tended to discount anything positive that happened to fall into my hands. Even when I managed to accomplish something difficult, or when I wore a pretty dress, I would immediately decide my accomplishment was no big deal.”

Here, Sehee demonstrates her tendency to self-sabotage. The narrative she tells herself about her life is so distorted that she does not allow herself to feel accomplishment or happiness. These kinds of distortions are one of the memoir’s most important motifs, and they allow the author to communicate just how common and how damaging these kinds of thinking patterns become, reflecting The Impact of Long-Term Depression on Personal and Professional Lives.

“What do I wish for? I want to love and be loved, without suspicion and with ease.”

This quote illustrates the importance that Sehee places on relationships, even as she struggles with the stress that they introduce into her life. Although she often lashes out at her loved ones and even experiences moments of anger towards her colleagues, Sehee values the company of others.