I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

I Want to Die, but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki (2018) is a memoir by Korean writer Baek Sehee (1990-2025). Originally self-published in 2018, it became a national bestseller in Korea and has since been translated into 25 languages. Using a mixture of therapy transcripts, reflective pieces, short essays, and even a contribution by the author’s psychiatrist, it provides an honest, in-depth account of the author’s struggle to manage Dysthymia (now called Persistent Depressive Disorder) as well as her therapeutic journey. The memoir explores The Non-Linear Nature of the Therapeutic Process, The Impact of Long-Term Depression on Personal and Professional Lives, and Therapy as Collaborative Self-Authorship.

This guide uses the 2022 paperback edition by Bloomsbury, translated from the Korean by Jully Lee.

Content Warning: The source text and this guide contain discussions of depression, anxiety, disordered eating, domestic and family violence, and suicidal ideation.

Summary

The memoir begins with a Prologue that clarifies the author’s reasons for sharing her story. She recalls wishing, during the worst days of her depression, that someone understood her experiences and could listen to her from a place of genuine empathy and understanding. She hopes to validate other people with depression while providing them with the kind of text that she would have liked to have had access to. She also explains dysthymia in detail, noting the way that it often goes misdiagnosed and misunderstood because of its “milder” set of symptoms than conditions like Manic Depression. She argues that individuals who have dysthymia, even though they might seem “okay” to those around them, are often truly “suffering.”

Much of the book takes the form of transcripts from Sehee’s therapy sessions. She begins with some background about her chronic low self-esteem and the difficulty she has long felt in social situations. She and her psychiatrist open their first session with a discussion of self-esteem and establish that part of her inability to see herself in a positive light is rooted in the abusive nature of her household growing up. The psychiatrist further explains that they think Sehee has an unhealthy, idealized self-image and that she needs to develop a more realistic framework for self-observation and self-judgement.

During subsequent sessions, they return to the issue of self-esteem, and Sehee shares that she worries that she is a pathological liar and an unempathetic friend. The psychiatrist pushes back against these claims, helping Sehee to realize that everyone has flaws and that she is just particularly hard on herself during her own moments of difficulty. Sehee sees wisdom in her psychiatrist’s assertion and readily admits to being too critical. She shares that she often records herself when speaking with others so that she can listen to the recording later and judge how she might have been perceived.

Sehee begins to make progress, but has moments of regression. She makes a new friend and, although she initially finds much in common with this woman, experiences some difficulty relating to her. She often lashes out when she feels insecure, and she and this friend argue after Sehee recommends a book that her friend does not enjoy. She feels judged when her friend’s opinion on the title differs from hers and gets angry with her. Sehee and the psychiatrist begin discussing self-esteem in more depth and detail, and the psychiatrist explains that individuals with healthy self-esteem pay less attention to what others think of them: They are confident in their identities, likes, and dislikes and can weather mild criticism. Sehee agrees that this sounds reasonable and decides to work on paying less attention to what other people might be thinking about her at any given time.

For a time, Sehee’s therapy goes well. She works to decrease her black-and-white thinking, both about herself and about others, and feels that she has become less critical. Her medication helps her symptoms to improve. Then, she experiences side effects from her medication and begins, again, to fixate on what she doesn’t like about herself. She admits that she has always felt unattractive and that she worries about both her looks and her weight. She further shares that she also judges other people for the way they look and how much they weigh, and that she often berates herself for being too judgmental. She doesn’t want to judge herself or others, but she cannot stop herself from doing so.

Sehee continues to experience ups and downs. She has a new romantic partner, and things go well. However, her role then changes at work, which fills her with self-doubt, shame, and anger. She finds little joy in everyday life, focuses more on negatives than positives, and lacks motivation both at home and at work. She wants to quit her job to pursue creative writing but is unsure if that is the right step to take. She wonders if she should adjust her medication. 

The memoir ends as Sehee continues to experience progress only in fits and starts. She has good and bad weeks but has grown more contemplative about the cyclical nature of both happiness and unhappiness. She includes a chapter written by her psychiatrist and a postscript in the form of a series of reflective essays, each of which examines one aspect of her life through the framework of her mental health. Although she still experiences depression, Sehee does feel that her general outlook has improved.