51 pages • 1-hour read
I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki
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Symbols & Motifs
Content Warning: This guide contains discussions of the source text’s depictions of depression, anxiety, disordered eating, domestic and family violence, and suicidal ideation.
The Novel’s Title: I Want to Die, But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki
The novel’s title functions symbolically within the memoir, helping the author to explore the complexities of dysthymia. Sehee’s depressive symptoms, although debilitating, are not as dramatic as those of other forms of depression, most notably Manic Depressive Disorder. The assumption, she notes, is that these kinds of conditions are more debilitating than conditions like dysthymia (now typically called Persistent Depressive Disorder). Sehee challenges that assumption through her writing, depicting a mental health battle that is debilitating in spite of its absence of extreme emotional volatility.
Tteokbokki is a traditional Korean dish prepared using chewy, cylindrical rice cakes, a sauce of gochujang, soy sauce, garlic, and sugar, and a variety of other additions, including fish cakes, boiled eggs, scallions, and sometimes meat. Variations range from simple to elaborate, but Tteokbokki is considered comfort food and holds an important place in Korean culinary culture. When Sehee notes that she has depressive symptoms so severe that they include suicidal ideation, but she also craves a favorite dish, she captures the nuance of her condition: Her depression is serious and debilitating, but she is able to “perform” normalcy and engage in normal behaviors. She is not entirely without motivation, likes, or dislikes. She retains some of her interest in everyday life, and on the outside, she might not appear to be as in-crisis as she truly is.
The contradiction expressed in the title also speaks to Sehee’s most complex and difficult-to-treat moments of depression. She often expresses contradictory emotions, such as berating herself for weight gain, judging other women for gaining weight, and then feeling shame at her lack of empathy. She also notes that, even as she struggles with weight gain, she often continues to binge-eat as a way to self-soothe. During both of these behavioral patterns, Sehee recognizes that one set of actions is at odds with the other.
Low Self-Esteem
Sehee’s battle with low self-esteem is one of the memoir’s key motifs. It helps the author to explore both The Non-Linear Nature of the Therapeutic Process and Therapy as Collaborative Self-Authorship. Sehee seeks out the help of a psychiatrist because of her depression, but many of their sessions focus on Sehee’s battle with low self-esteem and the cognitive distortions that create unhealthy behavioral patterns and limiting beliefs. Sehee has long felt unattractive, unintelligent, and unworthy, and she struggles in social situations because of it. She judges herself harshly for perceived faults and admits that she also judges other people. She feels “ugly” and worries when she gains weight but silently criticizes other women for not taking enough time with their appearance or for putting on a few kilos. As she knows the sting of this kind of judgment, she feels the additional burden of shame after judging others: She feels she should have more empathy.
It is initially only through dialogue with her psychiatrist that she is able to understand that she has constructed an idealized self that is unrealistic and unattainable. The psychiatrist helps her to see that she is worthy, likable, and empathetic, and that she criticizes herself much more sharply than others do. Together, they work to re-frame Sehee’s self-image and to help her to become more confident in who she is and what her accomplishments are, but also realistic about the fact that no one is without flaws. Sehee needs the psychiatrist’s expertise to come to this conclusion, but also their objectivity: The psychiatrist holds up a metaphorical mirror to Sehee’s behavior, helping her to see herself in a more realistic light and establish new patterns.
Sehee’s first session focuses in large part on her self-esteem, and initially, she makes progress. She is able to reframe much of what she thinks about herself and to become more confident in her daily interactions. As the sessions progress, it becomes apparent that Sehee backslides even as she makes progress. She develops more confidence in certain areas, only to see it decline in others. This depiction is not meant to be discouraging. Rather, its intention is to craft an honest account of both mental health experiences and therapy, illustrating that progress is possible although it may not take the anticipated route.
Sehee’s Mini-Essays
Sehee’s Mini-Essays are an important formal aspect of the memoir as well as one of its primary motifs. The book includes short, reflective introductions to many of its chapters, therapy transcripts, a note from the psychiatrist, and a series of mini-essays. The mini-essays, also reflective, are a way for Sehee to explore her mental health, putting into practice both her psychiatrist’s wisdom and example and her own admission that she finds writing a helpful way of articulating her feelings. Due to the way that her therapist models self-reflection for her, the essays also become an example of Therapy as Collaborative Self-Authorship.
Sehee’s therapeutic journey is not linear, and she experiences moments of real regression and serious depression even as she seeks help. She wants her memoir to be an honest account of the therapeutic process and does not shy away from even the harshest realities of depression and its treatment. Nevertheless, her memoir is also hopeful. In the same way that the psychiatrist models self-reflection and healthy introspection for Sehee, she uses her mini-essays to model those processes for her readers. She uses the essays to clarify her feelings, to explore her triggers, to discover the roots of her symptoms, and to construct a healthier self-image and personal philosophy. She notes in her Prologue that, during the worst days of her depression, she wanted to connect with other individuals who shared her experience and that she hopes her memoir will serve that function for her readers. While the transcripts provide a window into the therapeutic process, the essays allow Sehee to speak both to herself and directly to her readers.
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