In Pieces

“All of them with wounds that wouldn’t heal because no one acknowledged they were bleeding, and yet each of them needing the other to be near. And that—I realize—is how this story fits into my life. These generations of women, weaving a pattern into a lifelong garment, unconsciously handed down from mother to daughter to granddaughter to me.”

Field discusses the complicated relationships between her great-grandmother, grandmother, and mother. While these women relied on each other and lived together for many years, unspoken grievances haunted them and prevented them from fully understanding each other. By reflecting on how family relationships create unconscious patterns that repeat in the next generation, Field adds thematic depth to the legacy of family relationships.

“Believe me, Dick ignored us both equally. I felt like the sacrificial lamb. I had to go no matter what—with my brother or without—and I hated it. I fought or whined or faked illness: anything to try to get out of the visit.”

Field’s memories about her father, Dick, starkly contrast with her warm relationship with her mother. This passage gives insight into Field’s mind as a young child, providing context for understanding her distant relationship with her father.

“But whether she was preoccupied or not, I always felt thrilled to be in the same room with her, intoxicated by her childlike glee, which was just the same as mine. She was my mother and I know that in a lot of ways the connection between us was hardwired, but that doesn’t completely explain how I felt. I was enchanted by her.”

Field’s adoration for her mother fueled their close relationship throughout her life. This passage helps convey why Field idealized her mother for so long and tried to shield her from the distressing reality of Field’s experiences of abuse.

“It was what I was good at—walking on his back—and surely it was what every little girl did, so the distinct ‘fingernails down the blackboard’ feeling I had was to be ignored. It was what I did for him and I was good at it.”

Field recalls her stepfather’s inappropriate requests and how they taught her to ignore her own instincts. By revealing her inner thoughts about her stepfather’s first instances of abuse, the author introduces the theme of The Psychological and Emotional Impact of Trauma.

“There were times when I longed to have her explode in a fury, times when I knew she was silently disturbed by my stepfather’s rough treatment of Ricky—ridiculing him for no other reason than to make him cry—times when I wanted her to rescue me, and on the rare occasions when she did try to dry our tears or soothe our fears, Jocko would call her a worrywart, discrediting her, claiming she would surely ruin us as she had been ruined herself.”

Field recalls her frustration with her mother’s passive response to Jocko’s cruel parenting. This quotation portrays Field’s mother as a gentle and supportive parent who gave in to a more controlling partner, a dynamic that Field’s own relationships as an adult echoed. By detailing how Margaret’s passive personality and Jocko’s abuse affected her, Field builds the legacy of family relationships as a theme.

“My mother continued to work, but erratically and without the same energy, as if inch by inch, day by day, she was losing her confidence. The proud twinkle in her eyes was starting to fade along with her flawless face, now beginning to puff from vodka’s nightly numbing. And as the tension in the house increased, so did the size of those evening cocktails.”

The author’s portrayal of her mother focuses on her dwindling confidence and her escape into alcohol. This passage suggests that Margaret’s stressful marriage to Jocko took a great toll on her emotionally and led her to neglect her own aspirations. By revealing her mother’s issues in her relationship, the author provides insight into her own relationship dynamics later in life, thematically expanding the legacy of family relationships.

“All thoughts of the future were shoved out in the mist that vaporized everything I couldn’t deal with, while I floated around in a cloud, seeing only the few things that were manageable. I was a seventeen-year old varsity cheerleader—or songleader, as we called it—and queen of the drama department. That was pretty much it.”

Field describes her mental state as a teenager. She suggests that her ability to think clearly and plan was compromised by the mental fog that had plagued her for years. This passage adds to the theme of the psychological and emotional impact of trauma, as she suggests that her stressful home life affected her intellectual and emotional capacities.

“When I cried, it was not my mother who held me, it was Steve. I felt I was changed, forever tainted, and I grieved deeply for the loss of something I couldn’t name.”

After Field’s abortion in Tijuana, Mexico, her old boyfriend Steve comforted her. By showing how Steve had replaced her mother as her main source of support, the author suggests a growing chasm between her and her mother, which neither could address.

“It was like feeding a three-course meal to a starving person, and the main course of that meal was Frances (aka Gidget) Lawrence’s father, Russell. A father who was safe and caring, a father whom she felt so completely comfortable being near she could actually ignore, whereas he never ignored her—very different from either of the fathers on my side of the glass.”

Field’s role as Gidget, a teenage Californian girl with a loving father, provided some vicarious joy and stability. This passage underscores Field’s longing to have a safe and supportive fatherly relationship, which she lacked in her real life.

“It was agonizingly apparent to me; I was not good enough. And that discovery, coupled with the unforgettable pressure of that godforsaken Armada, lit a bonfire in the sweet place I’d created for myself—my acting bubble. I wanted to be better.”

Field’s starring role in a western film challenged her acting abilities, motivating her to learn more about her craft. By revealing her dissatisfaction with her performance, Field further develops the theme of The Personal Reality Behind the Public Image, showing that despite her starring roles on TV shows, she felt insecure about her talent. This passage depicts acting as Field’s great passion in life and foreshadows her decision to seek more training and more challenging roles.

“I couldn’t make myself numb no matter how much I ate, which ultimately made it worse. Then I was bored, ashamed, and fat: the poster child for self-loathing […] At the time, all I could see was this character, a one-dimensional girl whom I was embarrassed to be playing, and an endless string of days in which I was powerlessly trapped inside her.”

Field’s intense depression while filming The Flying Nun expands the theme of The Personal Reality Behind the Public Image. While the public saw Field as a comedy actress playing a silly character, she privately endured low self-esteem and loneliness, which led to disordered eating. By revealing her hidden suffering, Field reminds readers that actors’ personal realities can differ greatly from their public image.

“I loved every joyful minute of it. And even though most of Lou’s exercises seemed like silly party games, they were actually a kind of limbering up, stretching your imagination, strengthening your ability to act on a fleeting impulse, and challenging your concentration.”

Field’s introduction into the Actors Studio gave her much-needed joy and artistic challenge as she trained with other actors. This description contrasts Field’s experience of working on the TV sitcom The Flying Nun, which she found dull and embarrassing, and reveals her genuine passion for the craft of acting.

“My stalled heart would have exploded, but he spoke so softly I wasn’t sure that’s what he had said. He held my look, clicked the back of his throat, and repeated nonchalantly, ‘Quite brilliant.’ Instantly the room became vacuum-packed, airless and still. No one moved. No one raised a hand to offer comments, as I had seen happen in the past. And my eyes, which had been fastened to Lee’s, began to search the room for Madeleine.”

Field was stunned by acting coach Lee Strasberg’s praise after one of her workshop performances. By describing how her heart nearly “exploded,” Field underscores the importance of her coach’s validation and her surprise to receive it. The author’s need to have her friend Madeleine’s support echoes her childhood memories of searching for her mother in the audience, revealing her continued insecurity and desire for validation.

“I’d always kept the thought of Steve tucked safely in my back pocket, like a return-trip ticket if I ever needed to go home. I loved Steve, was comforted by his presence, and I was waterlogged with loneliness. But I didn’t want to get married. I needed to get away from his passions and emphatic opinions that would send mine into hiding.”

Field reveals her conflicting emotions about her boyfriend, Steve. She reflects on her desire for companionship and security, but also her impulse to establish autonomy, which helps explain her uncertainty about the relationship.

“Without thinking, I asked if she would consider quitting her job to help me. Only after I heard it come out of my mouth did I know how much I wanted it. ‘If you do that, Baa, I’ll always take care of you. I can’t do this without you. I’m afraid to leave him with anyone […] Without hesitation and in a deeper tone than her usual light register she replied, ‘Always, Sal. For as long as you need.’”

Field trusted her mother above anyone else, even her husband Steve, to take care of her son Peter. This memory portrays Field’s mother as a loving and reliable parent and grandparent, reinforcing their lifelong bond. This memory adds a positive thematic touch to the legacy of family relationships by showing how she and her children benefited from her mother’s continued love and support.

“I had to reinvent myself, to go away and not be seen until I had the right role and was skilled enough to play it […] Unconsciously, I felt I had to make a choice between these two loves of my life. I began to move away from the comfort of my childhood sweetheart and chose my love of acting. That’s the love affair I focused on.”

In the chapter titled “Culpable,” Field recalls the breakdown of her first marriage as she grew emotionally distant from Steve and more enthralled with acting. The chapter’s title and her discussion of her choice show that Field recognizes the role she played in her marriage’s breakdown. This self-awareness adds a sense of candor and honesty to her passages about their relationship.

“I can’t blame Rafelson—well, yes I can. When I look at it through today’s eyes and my now seventy-one years, I’d like to bash him over the head. But I wasn’t anyone’s victim…I felt powerful and important if I could please Bob—and yet I was being humiliated in the light of day by the same man who was happily devouring me behind closed doors at night. The only thing that Bob Rafelson didn’t do was tell me to point my toes.”

Field reflects on her affair with director Bob Rafelson, blaming both of them for their toxic and hurtful relationship. Rafelson’s belittling behavior on set echoed Jocko’s controlling parenting, such as when he trained Field to dive in the pool while pointing her toes. By connecting her attraction to Rafelson to her experiences with her controlling and abusive stepfather, the author adds thematic depth to the psychological and emotional impact of trauma.

“At the end of the letter I write simply, Please come get me Baa, please come get me. I remember writing it, remember writing those words before I stepped into the last shot of the day, knowing that Coulter was coming to pick me up because I was too tired to drive home. And yet I wrote that plea to my mother without understanding why.”

As part of her work on Sybil, Field wrote a letter to her mother to make herself feel emotionally raw before shooting. Field’s unconscious plea to her mother reflects her deeply repressed desire for her mother to protect her from her stepfather, Jocko. This sad passage adds emotion and insight to the theme of the psychological and emotional impact of trauma.

“We were a perfect match of flaws. It was instantaneous and intense. Blindly I fell into a rut that had long ago formed in my road, a preprogrammed behavior as if in some past life I had pledged a soul-binding commitment to this man […] I eliminated most of me, becoming a familiar, shadowy version of myself, locked behind my eyes, unable to speak.”

Field recalls her “intense” relationship with movie star Burt Reynolds, which began as they filmed their first movie, Smokey and the Bandit. By describing her and Reynolds as a “perfect match of flaws,” Field helps convey why their relationship, though often negative, was so compelling to them both. Field explains how Reynolds prompted her to shut down emotionally and submit to his control, which portrays her behavior as part of a pattern that began in her childhood, thematically bolstering the legacy of family relationships.

“‘Go if you want, but be prepared to lose again’ were Burt’s words, or maybe the only ones I heard. But what was I looking for? Permission? With only the slightest hint of disapproval from Burt, I felt ashamed of my desire to be recognized, embarrassed that I wanted to attend this award show, to feel that I was no longer a joke in the industry […] I didn’t go to the 1977 Emmy Awards show.”

Reynolds’s powers of persuasion over Field prompted her not to attend the Emmys, missing her chance to accept her award for best performance for the TV movie Sybil. Her candid discussion of her persistent insecurity and desire for respect in the industry adds to the theme of the personal reality behind the public image.

“But Norma was mine, and he never tried to manipulate or invade the character with some preconceived vision of his own, Marty knew how to take what I was presenting and hone it […] When we began to shoot I could feel Marty’s excitement at the prospect of challenging me, not like Jocko had done with his aluminum pole of humiliation, but with the sheer joy of watching me explore, of seeing me flat-out fling myself towards his suggestions.”

Field’s experience of shooting Norma Rae was both a professional and personal success, as her director, Marty Ritt, worked collaboratively and respectfully with her. By contrasting Marty’s approach with Jocko’s childhood training, the author portrays Marty as a constructive leader who challenged her without threats or humiliation.

“Why is it easier for me to write about the times in my life that felt humiliating or shameful? Is it because those are the things that haunt me? Do I hold on to those dark times as a badge of honor, are they my identity? The moments of triumph stay with me but speak so softly that they’re hard to hear—and even harder to talk about.”

Field admits that acknowledging her professional triumphs is more difficult than writing about the challenging times in her life, drawing attention to her self-deprecation as well as her resilience. This passage’s unresolved questions invite consideration of her reflection and self-examination as a memoirist, and help explain why she discusses her darker moments more than her accomplishments in her work.

“I’d long to see her, to talk to her about the kids or life’s little dramas, but eventually I’d feel that same ol’ tug. I’d sense her eyes searching my face for something, and I’d turn away, annoyed and uncomfortable. She must have been aware of the raw edge between us, but we never talked about it, and over the years it had grown, festering into a gnawing wound that I couldn’t find or heal.”

Field explains how she maintained a close relationship with her mother for decades despite the constant, “festering” wound between them. This discussion shows how the author’s childhood experience of abuse (and the silence surrounding it) weakened her relationship with her mother even decades later, underscoring the psychological and emotional impact of trauma as a theme.