Field’s position as breadwinner continued to strain her mental health and her marriage. While Steve was determined to build the family a new dream home on an empty lot, Field was frightened about getting in over their heads. Her financial fears led her to separate herself from the family’s financial management, and Steve convinced her to sell their small home in Bel-Air and buy the lot. While living in a small rental house, Field and Steve drifted apart, as he was preoccupied with building the house and wanted her to take on any project that would make them some money. Meanwhile, Field wanted to keep building her career and not cheapen herself by accepting silly acting gigs. Field felt that she had two great loves, Steve and performing, and she eventually chose acting over him.

She signed up for more lessons with Lee Strasberg and found his approach both challenging and illuminating. Strasberg insisted that actors get in touch with their bodies and minds, since they are their own instruments of expression. In one session, he asked his students to vividly imagine a place from their childhood, and Field’s mind wandered to Jocko’s bedroom, causing her to relive a memory about his sexual abuse. Wracked with shame and confusion about her experience, Field broke down in tears in class.

Field reflects on how, in crafting a narrative of her life, it is tempting to portray herself as an innocent “victim” when, in reality, she, too, hurt others, like Steve. As a young woman, she had intense rages when she was overwhelmed. She resented Steve’s dependence on her, as well as her mother’s close relationship with Peter and Elijah (Eli). Faced with dwindling finances and a half-built house, Steve pressured Field into taking on another TV job, starring in The Girl With Something Extra, a show she hated. Field told Steve she did not want to be with him anymore, and the two broke up.

Field recounts her painful breakup with Steve and how they still lived together in their new, unfinished house with Peter and Eli. She regrets how the family tensions may have affected the children, and recalls feeling confused about her attachment to Steve; when he was there, she wanted him gone, but when he left, she missed him. She dated other people “as if making up for lost time” (394).

Over the last two years, Field had been completely unemployed, even firing her managers when they urged her to accept roles in cheesy TV comedies. Instead, she took lessons with coach David Craig and continued attending Lee Strasberg’s sessions. Now confident of Strasberg’s belief in her, Field came unprepared and uninspired to a scene one day. When Strasberg criticized her performance, Field lashed out at him in front of everyone, and the two fought bitterly. Strasberg advised her to be more present, and Field was confused and enraged by this advice.

A casting director had heard positive things about Field’s training at the Actors Studio and sent her a script for the film Stay Hungry. Field knew she was wildly different from the character and that most directors simply hire actors who seem the most similar to characters in real life. She decided to pretend to be more nonchalant, sensual, and assertive than her real personality. By using this strategy, she found that her auditions went well. Bob Rafelson, the director, called and asked her to come to his house for a meeting. While Field felt that this was a red flag, she agreed. Rafelson’s meeting quickly turned inappropriate, as he asked Field to take off her shirt and kiss him, claiming it was all prep work for the film. Field left the meeting shaking, feeling relieved that she had won the part but ashamed that she had lost her dignity in the process.

While shooting the movie, Field completely immersed herself in her character, but disliked being so far away from her children. Playing a sexy, athletic character put new pressure on Field, and Rafelson continually nagged her to be sexier. While she resented his belittling treatment, the two began a romantic relationship. In hindsight, she resents Rafelson’s inappropriate and exploitative behavior, which echoed her previous experience of abuse, while also acknowledging how she actively participated in a relationship that “filled her with shame and rage” (414).

Field’s performance in Stay Hungry earned her little money. She even made sure to collect her unemployment check while signing autographs in line. She continued to hunt for her next role and began seeing Coulter Adams, a handsome and well-traveled young man who was Bob Rafelson’s assistant. Relieved to be in a new dynamic so different from her relationships with Steve and Bob, Field began to live with Coulter at her new home in Malibu.

When Field received the script for the TV movie Sybil, about a young woman with a severe personality disorder, she immediately connected with the script and longed to star in the project. Desperate to get the part, Field tried to channel some of Sybil’s qualities as she greeted the producers and director, hoping to prove that her capabilities exceeded her roles in Gidget and The Flying Nun. Her performance in the first audition for Sybil startled those who saw it, and she got several callbacks before being asked to audition with the doctor character, played by Joanne Woodward. Field connected with Woodward immediately, and the two collaborated well in their audition. Woodward insisted that Field be cast as Sybil, and she was.

Field reflects on the immense upheaval in her life during this time, as she had a meaningful new role, a new boyfriend, and a new house, all while divorcing Steve. She continued to have rages and mood swings that she didn’t understand. She includes a diary entry from the time, which reveals how she felt overwhelmed by her “tantrums” and hit herself to regain control of her thoughts.

Rehearsing for Sybil was an emotionally arduous task. The director, Anthony Page, required her to repeatedly act out all of the film’s intense scenes and rejected her ideas about portraying the character. Field felt misunderstood and highly pressured, and took to rehearsing in the privacy of her home. Her costar, Joanne Woodward, was her confidante, and one day, Joanne and the producers told her some shocking news: Page was being fired, and a new director, Dan Petrie, was being brought in to finish filming. Field was relieved that Petrie was respectful and collaborative. Living in Sybil’s mind, Field felt that she finally understood Strasberg’s advice, understanding that she had to “drown in the character” (439) to achieve an authentic performance. At the end of her time filming Sybil, Field wrote letters to her mother, thanking her for her support, and to Lee Strasberg for his care and advice. She ponders if exploring Sybil’s many selves helped her become more self-aware of her own different sides.

After Sybil, Field faced up to the fact that she hated her most recent house purchase and decided to sell. She was stunned to be offered a part in a movie starring opposite Burt Reynolds, an up-and-coming actor and sex symbol. She agreed but felt slightly confused about why she was chosen for the part. Field instantly fell for Reynolds, and the two started dating. In hindsight, she knows that his sudden fame made him both “empowered and terrified” (448) and that he felt he had to be perfect and meet everyone’s expectations. She claims that his fame became a way for him to control others and that, as such, they were “a perfect match of flaws” (449). Looking back, Field recognizes that she fell mindlessly into an old, destructive pattern of allowing a man to control her life.

She soon learned that Reynolds was uninterested in the complexities of her life experience and “eliminated” anything that made him feel upset or uncomfortable. Field quickly became his caretaker, as he had strange attacks. His team was convinced that he was having panic attacks and needed to reduce his stress, for which he took Valium and Percodan. Concerned, Field encouraged Reynolds to get medical help. When his tests came back clear, she proposed therapy for his stress, but he rejected this idea.

Field recognizes that her intense care for a man she barely knew reflected her inner “wound” more than his medical problems. True to her old pattern, her real identity was “disappearing” so that she could experience Burt’s love and validation. Field bent over backwards to meet Burt’s many needs, becoming his emotional and physical caretaker. She even spent her own money to take care of him, a sacrifice he did not want to acknowledge. Although Field knew from tabloid reporting that Reynolds was unfaithful to her, making her feel duped and angry, she did not want to acknowledge it or confront him.