In Pieces

Growing up, Field had a close bond with her mother, Margaret Morlan. She recalls her difficulty making friends at school because of her sensitivity and social anxiety, and how her mother was a source of comfort. Field explains that her mother was an exceptionally beautiful woman. As a young newlywed, she was scouted by a talent agent and moved to Hollywood to begin acting with a theater company, the Charles Laughton Players.

Soon after, Margaret’s husband returned from serving in World War ll and Field was born. However, Margaret left her husband, and she and her children moved into Field’s grandmother’s cottage in Altadena, California. Field credits three women with raising her mother: her grandmother; her grandmother’s sister, Gladys; and their mother (Mimmie), who was Field’s great-grandmother. Field’s great-aunt, Perle, also lived nearby and was a part of their lives.

Field’s grandmother, Joy, kept her emotions well-hidden. Field longed for more affection from her grandmother, but now appreciates that her “fierce devotion” created a stable “rock” and “safe spot” (46). Born in the late 1800s, Joy descended from Alabama farmers. After her mother was widowed, Joy and Gladys were sent to the Epworth Children’s Home, a grim, orphanage-type home for children. After 10 years, Gladys was removed from the home because she was ill, and Joy was sent to live with extended family in Texas, where she became mute from the stress of her experience. There, she received the shocking news that she had a different biological father than her sisters did: Her mother, Mimmie, had a brief relationship before her marriage. Joy’s biological father, James L. Bynum, wrote her a letter asking her to come to Chicago. Joy agreed and had a cordial relationship with him for the rest of her life. Now a lawyer, Bynum paid for Joy to attend secretarial school, a life-changing opportunity, as her new employment allowed her to reunite with her mother and sisters. Joy married Wallace Miller Morlan, and they had a daughter, Margaret Morlan (Field’s mother). When Joy’s father passed, she used her inheritance to buy her cottage in Altadena, where Field spent her early childhood.

Field recalls her grandmother’s death and how her final words expressed that she was with her father, James. Field puzzles over how Joy admired and even romanticized her father, even though he had deserted Mimmie. After going through her mother and grandmother’s belongings, she learned that Joy stayed angry at her mother, Mimmie, who hardly visited her and Gladys during their 10 years in the orphanage. Field reflects on how Mimmie’s own mother let her down, too, by kicking her pregnant daughter out of the household when she needed help. While she didn’t know it at the time, Field was influenced by this complex set of female relationships.

Down the hill from Joy’s home, Field’s father, Richard Field (or Dick, as she called him), lived in a beige stucco house. Field lived there until she was three years old. She remembers it as lacking the warmth and hominess of Joy’s cottage. Richard had married Margaret in 1942, and the two moved to Texas, where Richard trained to become an army captain. He soon traveled to Europe, where he served as a medical registrar in London and then Paris. When he returned, he was displeased to find that Margaret was a working actress with her own career, and he apparently disliked his son Ricky (according to Joy and the other women). Field always felt guilty that her father loved her but not her brother, recalling how she never opened up to him because he was too emotionally needy toward her.

Field has fond but few memories of Dick’s mother, Jen (Field’s paternal grandmother). Later in life, Field was intrigued to learn that Jen wanted to be a concert pianist, but her father wouldn’t let her because she was a woman. Dick’s sister, Betty, was a dancer and later an usher in New York, where she enjoyed the theater scene. Dick seemed to enjoy performing onstage at university, too, but downplayed his passion for it.

Field’s paternal relationship was complicated by her parents’ contentious divorce. Dick tried to get full custody of the children, but instead got weekend stays with them. Field hated these visits, which were painfully boring and lonely. Dick ignored his children, and Field missed her mother. One day when Field was five, she was playing with her dolls when her seven-year-old brother Ricky, who had been up at Joy’s house, snuck in to rescue her. The two trekked up the ditch to Joy’s house, planning to stay in Ricky’s new hideout. However, upon arriving, they discovered that the neighbor boy had ruined it, and Field menaced him through the chain-link fence. She continued to hate her visits with her dad. He took her to only two places, the racetrack and the church, and she disliked both.

Throughout her early adulthood, Field avoided her father and simply told the media that she didn’t know him well. She was surprised when, on her 38th birthday, he sent her an angry note about how she had disregarded him in interviews. He included a letter he had written to his children shortly after his divorce, explaining that he had given up his right to custody to protect them from scandal. Field especially noticed how he described her mother as “[in] over her head” (81) and presented himself as a wronged man who was still in love with her.

After her divorce, Margaret, whom Field called “Baa,” continued working as an actress, securing small parts in TV shows and movies. As a four-year-old, Field met Jacques O’Mahoney, or “Jocko,” her mother’s boyfriend. At first, she was frightened of him, but she sensed that her mother wanted her to like him.

In 1952, Margaret and Jocko married in Mexico, and six months later, Field’s little sister was born. She later realized that Margaret divorced James because she was already in a relationship with Jocko. Jocko was an actor and movie stuntman whose height, striking looks, and athleticism made him stand out. He enjoyed doing little gymnastic stunts with Field, like standing her on his hands. Field hated this scary trick but felt she had to choose between being scared but seen and being comfortable but ignored, a repeated pattern in her life. Field recalls walking on Jocko’s sore back while he lay in bed. She hints that their relationship later worsened.

Field, Ricky, Margaret, and Jocko moved into a new house in the San Fernando Valley. Field has scattered memories from this household, like losing her childhood pet, Dr. Quack (a duck), to a poisonous flower. Their next home was in Van Nuys, where the family had a photo shoot for TV Show magazine that showed the family in cheesy poses around their home. The article, “The Range Rider and His Queen,” featured Jocko and Margaret, the stars of the Range Rider TV show.

Jocko and Margaret began to have more professional success; Range Rider was a huge hit, and both were steadily employed with other gigs. However, Jocko spent his money too freely, and Field hints that he lived beyond his means. Field’s main memory from their house in Van Nuys is how Jocko taught her and Ricky to ride a bicycle, insisting that they both ride large boys’ bikes. Field struggled immensely, but was gratified when she finally learned and experienced the freedom of riding around her neighborhood. Soon after, the family moved to a larger, more luxurious house in Encino with a pool and room for horses. Jocko began to ask Field to walk on his back in the morning to help him recover. Field felt flattered to be asked, but also afraid and uncomfortable, sensing that his requests were becoming increasingly inappropriate.

The family’s new home, called the “Libbit House,” soon became an elaborate training playground for Jocko, who insisted that the kids also practice diving and gymnastics. Because of his demanding and sadistic attitude toward her and her brother, Ricky, Field began to distrust him. She recalls her frustration with her mother’s extremely gentle demeanor; she would never confront Jocko for his harsh parenting methods. While Field continued to feel quite close to her mother, she wished that her mother would intervene to stop Jocko’s cruel behavior. In one memorable incident, Field repeatedly asked to swim in the backyard pool, and Jocko reacted by suddenly hurling her in, fully clothed. Margaret comforted Field but only gently scolded Jocko. Looking back, Field remembers the complex emotions she felt toward her stepfather, who could also be charming and fun. As she entered her early teens, Jocko’s inappropriate behavior toward Field escalated into repeated sexual abuse.

As Jocko starred in bigger films and TV shows, he became more arrogant. However, after a few years of living in the Libbit house, Jocko’s career took a sudden hit when his show, Yancy Derringer, was canceled. Since he had been living beyond his means, Jocko was soon broke, but he blamed others for his problems. While Margaret worked sporadically, she could not support the family, and Field felt that her mother was steadily losing her confidence. During these tense times, Margaret drank more, and Field sensed that she and Jocko often fought, even though she never witnessed it.

Now in her early teens, Field understood that her stepfather was “dangerous” and lived in constant fear of him. She thus retreated mentally to the point that she could not concentrate on anything. Her schoolwork suffered, and she doubted her abilities. As a 14-year-old, Field was so furious toward her stepfather that she stopped speaking to him completely. He punished her for this by making her life as difficult as he could, spying on her phone conversations, embarrassing her in front of friends, and strictly enforcing his rules about her behavior. Field sadly reflects on how much she loved and needed her mother, but did not receive protection from her. She admits that she always believed in her own “fairy tale” about who her mother was.

Just before she turned 15, Field met her first boyfriend, Steve. Steve had had an unusual childhood: He attended military boarding school from the age of four before entering a rebellious phase, during which he was moved to a center for children with learning disabilities. There, the teacher recognized his intelligence, and Steve simply read books for a year. He then studied at Field’s high school, where the two quickly bonded, and Steve became like a part of her family, getting along well with her siblings and her mother. While Jocko tried to belittle Steve, he was undeterred, and Field fondly remembers his determination to be in her life. Steve’s authenticity and emotional openness inspired Field to open up to him about her life and real feelings, and his concern for her made her realize that perhaps her childhood was not normal.

That year, the family downsized to a smaller home due to their financial problems. Field continued to live in fear of Jocko, but one day grew enraged about his drunken threats against her and yelled at him. During this out-of-body experience, she felt that some unconscious part of herself was bold enough to stand up on the coffee table and scream at Jocko. She realized that he was actually scared of her and her mother. He punished her by slamming her into the glass doors in front of Ricky, Steve, and her mother, but she knew she had won the war.

Ricky was sad to move out of the family home to attend college and tearfully apologized to Field. A high achiever, Ricky was an accomplished gymnast and became an elementary particle physicist. In contrast, Field felt that drama was the only thing she excelled at, and her social and academic life continued to suffer, as other kids often cruelly excluded her. Luckily, her time as a cheerleader helped her make a close friend, and she loved being a “song leader” on the team.

Field put most of her energy into her acting class, neglecting her other studies. Eventually, her teachers told her that she was at risk of not graduating with her class. Though Jocko was away in Asia filming the Tarzan movies, family life was still disorganized and stressful. Steve continued to be supportive until, by the end of 12th grade, Field felt that she needed to break up with him. She was surprised by her own change of personality: She suddenly took more risks, becoming “downright aggressive.” While with Steve she had always been “reticent” and “sexually passive” (160), with others she was less inhibited. This new side of herself frightened Field, whose attitudes toward sexuality were confused by her mother and grandmother’s more repressed examples and her stepfather’s abuse. By graduation, Field realized that without a stage, she felt that she “didn’t exist,” and she immediately sought a way to continue acting.

Field asked for $25 from her father, Dick, so that she could secure an audition for the Film Industry Workshop. She was accepted into the workshop and, just a week later, was invited for an interview by the head of casting at a production studio. Stunned by her good luck, Field agreed. That summer, she went on repeated auditions for the studio and eventually completed a screentest.

Meanwhile, Field was seeing a new boyfriend and felt panicked and ashamed upon discovering that she was pregnant. Jocko and Margaret called on family friends, Dr. Duke and his wife, Patti, to take Field to Tijuana, Mexico, for an abortion. Field recalls the abortion procedure as another painful, out-of-body experience. Though she received pain-numbing gas, Field fought through the mental fog to ward off an assistant who was groping her. When she arrived home, Steve was there to greet and comfort her. The experience left her feeling “changed” and “forever tainted” (179). Just six weeks later, Field’s acting career began when she started filming her first TV series.