43 pages • 1-hour read
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
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Themes
Body Image and Self-Confidence
Throughout her memoir, Kaling addresses issues of body image and self-confidence. Her first chapter addresses her weight and her identity as a chubby person. Rather than ignoring the topic, she confronts it from the beginning, inviting the reader to laugh with her and to re-examine biases. When Kaling was a child, she recognized that she was not the same size as many of the girls in her class. She was not an athlete and actively sought to avoid exercising. Kaling examines how her identity as a “chubby” person impacted her career and how she views herself.
Kaling’s body is notable due to her career in Hollywood, a sphere where thinness is considered the norm. One of the main issues that Kaling confronts is that much of Hollywood does not know what to do with women who have larger bodies. She recalls a stage manager who gave everyone an attractive, formfitting shapewear for a play while handing Kaling a large black bag that had been cut from an old stage curtain. While Kaling has had many great stylists, she has also had many who did not know how to dress her.
One stylist did not even consider preparing for Kaling before a photoshoot, providing only sample sizes (typically size zero). After crying in the bathroom when the stylist failed to provide her with a dress in the appropriate size, Kaling noticed a note on the bathroom wall written by a middle school student. The note made Kaling laugh and gave her the boost she needed to confront her problem. Kaling returned to the stylist and picked a dress off the rack, telling the stylist to have the tailor get it ready for her. By applying confidence and humor, Kaling was able to advocate for herself and work toward changing how the entertainment industry approaches weight and body image.
Despite issues with body image, Kaling approaches her career and life with self-confidence. This is exhibited by her willingness to take risks—such as when she auditioned for a musical despite having no voice or dance training, and her no-nonsense delivery of her opinions. Humor is the key to Kaling’s self-confidence and positive body image. She talks about diets and exercising with good humor; she suggests incorporating revenge fantasies into exercise routines and approaching diets like a hobby: “After a while on one regimen, I get bored and want to try a new one” (20). In these ways, Kaling presents herself as someone who has gained confidence and self-acceptance.
Pursuing a Career in Film Media
Kaling jokes that there are two paths to having a career in Hollywood: 1) Become famous on social media and land a job as a child actor, or 2) Work hard and study. In Chapter 3, Kaling advises readers considering a career in film media to reconsider the first trajectory and to stop thinking about working in television and film as an extension of high school popularity. She argues that the two could not be more different. Being popular in high school requires innate qualities like charisma or charm, but fame asks for more. Kaling’s own pathway to Hollywood success included stops at after-school test prep clubs and Dartmouth College. After college, Kaling applied a different approach to her work than merely relying on innate likeability or popularity, basing her approach on finding joyful and meaningful friendships and taking risks.
Kaling described the key to her success in an interview with Jenna Fischer and Angela Martin on their podcast Office Ladies, where she shared about her experiences as a comedy writer. Fischer and Martin commended Kaling for starting as a writer on the television series The Office at the young age of 24, but Kaling explained that she believed that writing helped her carve her space in a field that is notoriously difficult to break into. When Kaling and her roommate Brenda struggled to find acting work, they decided to see if they could change their own fates. They wrote a play together called Matt & Ben. While Brenda and Kaling worked on the play, they laughed together, sometimes forgetting to write altogether. By calling upon her skill as a writer and taking a risk, Kaling found success.
The two young women’s gumption and the joyfulness of their collaboration led to a successful fiction work that gained notoriety. Kaling repeatedly focuses on the importance of good friendships, even outlining the qualities of such a friendship in Chapter 9. Her relationships with fellow castmates and writers on The Office opened doors for her and served as an education about the industry. A mock eulogy included in Part 6 by Mike Schur further emphasizes this point. Kaling learned both about taking risks and developing quality relationships in high school with her friend Mavis, who taught her the value of finding people with shared interest and passion and pursuing goals with humor and joy in a collaborative effort. For Kaling, therefore, forging strong relationships and working hard at one’s craft are important elements of success.
The Power of Being a Nerd
In Part 1: “I Forget Nothing: A Sensitive Kid Looks Back,” Kaling includes a photo of herself as a child. She is sitting on a swing with large, thick-framed glasses and a stoic expression. Including the photo serves two purposes: First, it forms a humorous contrast to Kaling’s bubbly, glamorous, and outgoing persona as an adult; second, it establishes what Kaling was like as a child. She was not like the other students at school, and she was okay with that. Instead, she emphasizes the benefits of being a studious, nerdy child.
Kaling’s childhood did not measure up to the common Hollywood trope which glorifies extroversion and rebelliousness. As a child, she was timid and nervous. She was afraid to jump off the diving board, repulsed by exercise, and more interested in reading than learning to ride a bike. Rather than feeling ashamed of her fear, Kaling argues that fear was a powerful voice that she hopes her own children will listen to: "If you’re scared of something, that isn’t a sign that you have to do it. It probably means that you shouldn’t do it. Call Dad or Mom immediately” (29).
Kaling utilizes the literary device of juxtaposition to draw a contrast between herself and her classmates. When Kaling was a teenager, she studied Latin and spent time with her family in the evenings at home. Her best friend Mavis came over on the weekends to watch comedies with her and practice sketches. Kaling’s parents loved Mavis for her politeness. While Kaling was not especially popular during her school years, her close bond with Mavis and love of careful study enabled her to develop her enthusiasm for comedy from a young age.
Kaling became a highly successful actor, writer, producer, and director. Rather than viewing her childhood as a deterrent to her career, she sees it as an asset, something that enabled her to achieve her success. Kaling credits her wallflower childhood with widening her comedic learning and observation skills, both essential to her work. While other students were embracing a more carefree version of American adolescence, Kaling worked hard in school, listened to adults, attended after-school study programs, and went to an Ivy League university. She transferred her skills as a student to her work, studying script and comedy writing at a local bookstore and observing people around her. She thus shows that there is a power in being a nerd and that it can sometimes lead to careers and opportunities.
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