Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

“‘I always thought I caught you in…a phase.’ His left eyebrow makes a fancy arch. ‘Apparently you’re just like this.’

‘I feel like I have a lot to apologize for,’ I admit, ‘but I can’t be sure I won’t be constantly exasperating you, so maybe I’ll just wait until we’re elderly.’”

In this dialogue, Josh’s observation confirms that Hazel’s core characteristic is not a temporary affectation; it is an authentic part of her identity. Hazel’s self-aware and witty response deflects any potential judgment, instead reframing her personality as a permanent fixture in their future interactions. Her humorous proposal to postpone apologies until they are “elderly” foreshadows a lasting bond, setting the stage for the theme Friendship as the Foundation for Enduring Love.

“I remember clearly one fight they had in front of me where he told her, ‘I hate it when you act like a weirdo out in public. You’re so fucking embarrassing.’ […] I learned a very important thing that day: my mom would never try to change for a man, and I wouldn’t, either.”

This flashback provides the philosophical origin for Hazel’s resolute individuality, rooting it in a formative childhood experience. Her father’s dialogue represents the societal pressure to conform that Hazel actively rejects, while her mother’s reaction models a quiet resistance. This moment of character development explicitly articulates the novel’s argument for authentic self-expression and becomes the ideological backbone for Hazel’s actions throughout the narrative.

“Still, it’s not messy so much as it is full. Books are stacked on the coffee table. Pages of brightly colored construction paper sit in piles on the floor. Folded clothes are draped over the arms of chairs, and a basket of laundry pushes rebelliously against a closet door.”

This description of Hazel’s apartment functions as an objective correlative, using the physical space to represent her personality. The distinction between “messy” and “full” suggests a vibrant, abundant nature, while the personification of the laundry basket as “rebellious” mirrors Hazel’s own resistance to convention. The detailed imagery creates a tangible sense of her character that directly contrasts with Josh’s internal need for order.

“It’s his calm center that’s a gravitational pull to my chaotic one. Every time I’ve met his eyes—from that first puke-filled night to now—I’ve felt a gentle hum inside my breastbone: I’m a satellite that’s found its safe-space beacon.”

Hazel’s internal monologue uses an extended metaphor comparing her “chaotic” self to a satellite and Josh’s “calm center” to a “safe-space beacon.” This imagery establishes the foundational dynamic of their relationship, suggesting a complementary attraction rather than one based on similarity. The metaphor elevates their connection beyond simple physical attraction, grounding it in a sense of security and belonging that foreshadows the development of their friendship into love.

“‘I realize that finding the perfect person isn’t going to be easy for me because I’m a lot to take,’ she says, ‘but I’m not going to change just so that I’m more datable.’”

This line of dialogue is a definitive statement of Hazel’s character and a central tenet of the narrative. It explicitly articulates the theme of Finding Authentic Connection by Embracing Personal Eccentricity by rejecting the premise of self-alteration for social or romantic acceptance. The distinction between being “a lot to take” and being “datable” frames the novel’s central conflict as a search for acceptance rather than a journey of personal transformation.

“‘What if I set you up with someone, and you set me up with someone, and we went out together? […] Seriously. No games, no expectations. Double blind date. Just for a laugh.’”

Hazel proposes the novel’s central narrative device, initiating the double dates motif. The explicitly stated rules—“no games, no expectations”—create a paradoxical situation where the act of not dating each other ironically fosters the ideal conditions for a genuine romantic connection to develop. This structural choice reinforces the theme of friendship as the foundation for enduring love by removing the pressures of courtship and allowing their bond to grow organically.

“Getting Pretty Panties Ripped Requires Real Damn Initiative. Or—general, personal, possessive, reflexive, reciprocal, relative, demonstrative, and interrogative!”

Hazel’s mnemonic device for remembering pronouns is a moment of characterization that showcases her unique blend of intelligence and unfiltered eccentricity. The crude yet effective phrase demonstrates a mind that operates outside of conventional norms, which proves to be a key asset in winning the trivia game. This humorous display of her personality reinforces her commitment to being herself, celebrating a trait that is simultaneously socially “inappropriate” and highly effective.

“Loud? Yes. Chaotic? Absolutely. But also: comfortable. Dare I say easy?”

This quote, from Hazel’s internal monologue, reflects on the nature of her cohabitation with Josh. A series of rhetorical questions and short, declarative statements contrasts the surface-level chaos of their living situation with the underlying ease of their dynamic. The progression from adjectives like “Loud” and “Chaotic” to “comfortable” and “easy” demonstrates that their compatibility is built on something deeper than shared habits, supporting the theme of friendship as the foundation for enduring love.

“It’s only once I’m back at my car that I register the reason I was thinking of a double date again: I want to hang with Hazel.”

After visiting Hazel’s classroom, Josh experiences a moment of self-realization. The verb “register” suggests that the thought arrives with a sudden, almost involuntary clarity, revealing his subconscious desires to himself. This line exposes the central irony of the double dates; for Josh, the dates have ceased to be a genuine romantic pursuit and have instead become a socially acceptable pretext for spending time with Hazel, underscoring the novel’s focus on friendship as a romantic precursor.

“But was I right?’ She’s breathless, hair wild and face flushed and how has nobody seen how crazy and f**king amazing she is?”

Observing Hazel’s uninhibited joy after they do cartwheels, Josh’s perspective shifts from observation to a broader judgment of how others perceive her. The internal, rhetorical question, “how has nobody seen,” marks a significant development in his feelings, as he reframes her qualities into something he finds “amazing.” This moment develops the theme of finding authentic connection by embracing personal eccentricity, by establishing Josh as the one person who can see and appreciate the full scope of Hazel’s personality.

“I can only keep what’s hidden below the tip of this crazy iceberg for so long.”

During a drunken conversation, Hazel explains why her previous relationships have failed. She employs the iceberg metaphor to articulate her central insecurity and her experience with social pressure to perform a more conventional version of herself. This self-aware statement reveals her belief that her authentic self is too “crazy” for a long-term relationship, conveying the depth of her personality that she feels she must suppress to be considered dateable.

“‘And we’re okay?’ […] 

‘Of course. We agreed just once. We’re perfect.’”

In a phone call the morning after their first sexual encounter, this dialogue reveals the characters’ mutual fear of jeopardizing their friendship. Hazel’s emphatic reassurance is laden with dramatic irony, as her use of the word “perfect” describes their platonic ideal rather than their evident romantic chemistry. Their verbal agreement to categorize the event as a one-time occurrence is a defense mechanism against the emotional vulnerability that a real relationship would require, heightening the central tension of their platonic friendship.

“The silence is homicidal.”

Following Hazel’s abrupt confession that she and Josh had sex, this use of personification describes the tense atmosphere at dinner with Emily and Dave. This short, declarative sentence emphasizes the abrupt, awkward stop in conversation, conveying the social consequences of their altered relationship. The adjective “homicidal” hyperbolically illustrates the extreme discomfort, which Hazel then characteristically diffuses with an odd, fabricated anecdote.

“I know I’m like Pig-Pen in Charlie Brown, and I have chaos around me, but it’s like he doesn’t even care. He doesn’t need me to change or pretend to be someone else. He’s my person. He’s my best friend.”

In a moment of vulnerability with her mother, Hazel uses a simile comparing herself to the perpetually messy cartoon character Pig-Pen to articulate her core insecurity. This comparison directly engages with the theme of finding authentic connection by embracing personal eccentricity by framing her defining trait as “chaos.” The quote culminates in her realization that Josh’s acceptance forms the basis of their bond, solidifying the idea that their connection is rooted in friendship rather than a conditional, romantic performance.

“That word—love—feels like a wrecking ball. I get the mental image of cracking open a walnut and staring at the pieces of flesh in my palm, knowing it can’t ever go back together.”

In conversation with his sister, Josh uses a simile (“feels like a wrecking ball”) and a visceral metaphor to articulate his fear and the perceived finality of admitting his love for Hazel. The image of a shattered walnut illustrates his emotional fragility and the belief that declaring love is an irreversible act that leaves him vulnerable. This reflection reveals a depth of feeling that contrasts with his typically reserved demeanor, showing the impact Hazel has had on his emotional state.

“If I had to share my Tyler Jones stories, […] they’d mostly be That Time Tyler Said He Loved Me to Get in My Pants, and That Other Time Tyler Said He Loved Me to Get in My Mouth.”

During a disastrous double date, Hazel reflects on her history with her ex-boyfriend, Tyler. The use of parallel structure in the mock-nostalgic titles (“That Time” and “That Other Time”) subverts the idea of a cherished memory with bluntly transactional content. This device highlights the emotional emptiness of her past relationship with Tyler, which serves as a narrative foil to the genuine, multifaceted connection she has developed with Josh.

“I also realize, when I hear her sounds and feel the hungry wandering of her hands, that for me at least, this isn’t just infatuation or a flash of desire, it’s deeper. I think this is love, I think she’s it for me.”

In this moment of internal monologue during his second sexual encounter with Hazel, Josh’s perspective shifts from physical desire to emotional realization. His point of view offers an unfiltered understanding of his feelings, creating dramatic irony for the subsequent chapters, in which his actions contradict this private declaration. This quote marks a crucial turning point in Josh’s character arc, establishing that his connection to Hazel has transcended their platonic friendship.

“The thought of dating him and having him ever say that I’m weird or embarrassing makes everything inside me duck for cover. […] And whether I love Josh as a friend or more, I do love him. Deeply.”

Hazel’s internal reflection reveals her core fear in a relationship, explicitly foreshadowing the conflict that arises with Tyler. By connecting the word “embarrassing” to the memory of her parents’ failed marriage, the narrative establishes that unconditional acceptance is her primary emotional need. This moment solidifies the novel’s theme of finding authentic connection by embracing personal eccentricity by defining love not as passion, but as the deep security of being accepted.

“Knowing exactly what I’m trying to distract him from, Josh turns his full attention to me. I see it in his face: So this is a thing then, huh? You and Tyler? Hangin’ at ‘home’? […] 

I return the glare, trying to convey my thoughts right back to him. Did I misunderstand you the other day? Didn’t you want me to explore this with Tyler?”

This passage presents internal monologue as unspoken, italicized dialogue between Hazel and Josh. This technique highlights the depth of their nonverbal communication—a product of their foundational friendship—even as it underscores the central misunderstanding that drives the plot. Their ability to communicate without words demonstrates their profound connection, while the content of their silent conversation reveals their complete misreading of each other’s feelings.

“Frowning, she turns and starts walking again. ‘Which reminds me, I need to grab some tampons.’ […] My heart is a fist, punching punching punching, and a lurching, upside down feeling takes hold of my stomach. […] ‘I haven’t had a period in like…two months.’”

A mundane catalyst—a comment about tampons in a grocery store—triggers a pivotal plot twist. This juxtaposition of the everyday setting with a life-altering realization heightens the scene’s dramatic impact. The visceral imagery of a “fist, punching punching punching” conveys Hazel’s sudden panic and physically grounds her emotional shock, abruptly shifting the narrative’s central conflict.

“But I also mean your opinion matters more to her than anyone’s. […] But if things don’t work with you—well, it’s obviously because of who she is.”

Speaking to Josh, Dave provides exposition that clarifies Hazel’s internal conflict, revealing that her hesitation is rooted in vulnerability, not romantic indecision. The analysis of what a breakup with Josh would mean frames the emotional stakes of the central relationship. Dave’s dialogue shows that for Hazel, a rejection from Josh would feel like a definitive judgment on her core identity, directly engaging with the theme of challenging social expectations of normalcy.

“He has never, not once, asked me to be someone I’m not.”

This declarative statement from Hazel’s perspective serves as a thematic turning point, crystallizing the foundation of her love for Josh. The emphatic repetition in “never, not once” underscores the impact of his unconditional acceptance, which contrasts with her past romantic experiences. This realization solidifies the novel’s argument that genuine connection stems from celebrating individuality rather than demanding conformity.

“‘I thought you’d be well suited with…someone else.’ 

His brows pull in. ‘Who?’ 

‘Just someone less Hazel.’ 

Josh frowns down at me. ‘Can we address that? […] You are perfect for me.’”

This dialogue marks Hazel’s central emotional climax, directly confronting her deepest insecurity. Her self-deprecating phrase, “someone less Hazel,” articulates her fear that her core personality is an obstacle to love. Josh’s direct and unwavering rebuttal, “You are perfect for me,” functions as the ultimate validation, resolving the primary internal conflict that has kept them apart and affirming the theme of finding authentic connection by embracing personal eccentricity.