53 pages • 1-hour read
Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
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Themes
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of sexual content, cursing, and substance use.
Finding Authentic Connection by Embracing Personal Eccentricity
Josh and Hazel’s Guide to Not Dating champions the idea that genuine compatibility arises from celebrating personal quirks rather than conforming to conventional standards. Through Hazel Bradford’s unwavering commitment to her eccentric self, the novel suggests that authentic connection is found not in changing for someone but in finding someone who loves you for your unique qualities. Hazel’s eccentricities define her, from her self-aware list of “undatable” traits to her habit of embarrassing herself. A conscious refusal to compromise her personality for a relationship shapes her identity, a lesson learned from watching her father criticize her mother for being “embarrassing.” This history solidifies Hazel’s resolve to remain her authentic self, establishing the novel’s central argument that true love requires radical self-acceptance.
Hazel understands that past boyfriends expected her to eventually “chill a little and become more Regular Girlfriend” (83), an expectation she refuses to meet. This commitment to authenticity is ultimately what allows her to find a true partner in Josh Im. Initially, Josh views Hazel as a “hot exasperating mess” (28), a chaotic force at odds with his orderly life. However, his perspective shifts as he spends more time with her, and he begins to see her not as an annoyance but as “color in a monotone landscape” (28). His journey is one of learning to value her spontaneity and eccentricity, not merely tolerate it.
This evolution stands in stark contrast to Hazel’s experience with her college ex-boyfriend, Tyler Jones. When they reconnect, Tyler quickly falls back into old patterns, telling Hazel she is “being sort of embarrassing” for dancing joyfully in public (253). His reaction reinforces the novel’s theme by highlighting the difference between conditional affection and true acceptance. Whereas Tyler sees her eccentricity as a flaw to be managed, Josh comes to see it as an essential and beloved part of who she is. Ultimately, the novel argues that embracing personal eccentricity is a prerequisite for a lasting, joyful partnership, one that thrives on individuality rather than conformity.
Friendship as the Foundation for Enduring Love
In Josh and Hazel’s Guide to Not Dating, the strongest romantic relationships rest on a foundation of genuine friendship, where vulnerability and mutual support can flourish without the pressures of traditional courtship. The novel posits that by prioritizing a platonic bond, Josh and Hazel create a space for unguarded honesty and acceptance, allowing their love to develop more authentically than it otherwise could have. Their relationship begins with an explicit agreement to be “best friends,” a pact that frames their interactions and removes the performative anxiety of dating. Immediately removing romance from the table, Josh and Hazel make the space for platonic closeness. Their collaborative double dating, though oftentimes resulting in disastrous outcomes, paradoxically becomes the perfect mechanism for building intimacy. Without the goal of romantically impressing each other, Josh and Hazel are free to be their unfiltered selves, developing inside jokes and a shared history that deepens their connection long before romance enters the picture.
The strength of their friendship is most clear in the unwavering emotional support they offer one another from the very start of their platonic bond. When Josh’s long-term relationship with his girlfriend Tabby becomes complicated with suspicions of infidelity, Hazel’s first instinct is to comfort him not with romantic overtures but with a viewing of her comfort movie, Aliens. Her presence offers a simple, uncomplicated solace that helps him cope with his heartbreak. She gives him space to talk about his feelings without pressure or judgment. Josh reciprocates this support without hesitation. When Hazel’s apartment floods, leaving her temporarily unhoused, he at once offers her a place to stay. Though he returns earlier than expected from LA after breaking up with Tabby and feels emotionally devastated, he lets Hazel continue to stay in his house alongside him, offering further potential for mutual emotional comfort and relationship building.
These acts of loyalty and care solidify their bond, setting up a level of trust and reliability that transcends casual friendship. This dynamic stands in stark contrast to Josh’s earlier romantic relationship with Tabby, which centered around physical intimacy, appearances, and convenience, but lacked the deep, communicative friendship that he builds with Hazel. The novel suggests that by establishing this platonic foundation, Josh and Hazel construct a romantic partnership grounded in their intimate friendship, proving that the most enduring love stories are those that grow from a place of genuine camaraderie.
Challenging Social Expectations of Normalcy
Josh and Hazel’s Guide to Not Dating critiques the social pressure to perform a “normal” version of oneself in order to be considered “datable,” arguing that true fulfillment comes from authentic self-expression. Through its unconventional heroine, Hazel Bradford, the narrative challenges conventional standards of behavior and suggests that a life governed by external expectations is ultimately less joyful than one lived on one’s own terms.
The novel presents several characters who embody these restrictive social pressures. Figures like Tabby, Josh’s ex-girlfriend, are enmeshed in a world of fashion and appearances, where life is curated for an audience. Similarly, one of Hazel’s dates, Dax, represents a rigid adherence to a conventional life plan, interrogating her about her 401(k) and openly judging her for not fitting his narrow standards of normalcy. Even Hazel’s father, who calls her mother Aileen a “weirdo” for being herself in public, shapes Hazel’s perception of herself in the context of her relationships with men. Tyler pretends to support Hazel’s eccentricities, but his approval is superficial, and like Hazel’s father, he cannot accept Hazel’s public displays of individuality. These characters highlight a value system that prioritizes performance and social approval over genuine personal expression. Hazel serves as a direct point of contrast to this mindset; she is her authentic self in every situation, regardless of the consequences.
Hazel’s unapologetic embrace of herself ultimately inspires Josh to challenge social norms as well. Initially, Josh is a reserved man who is “not very good at […] socializing in large crowds” and thrives on routine (22). He is baffled and often exasperated by Hazel’s unpredictable nature. However, his perspective gradually shifts as he realizes his carefully constructed life revolves around others’ ideas of normalcy. He adheres to what he imagines is the typical boyfriend role in his relationship with Tabitha, accepting his part in a relationship built around keeping up superficial appearances.
Hazel’s spontaneity and authenticity bring a necessary vibrancy into Josh’s world, forcing him to confront the limitations of his own reticent nature. His journey from being a man who values order above all else to one who embraces the joyful chaos Hazel represents is central to the novel’s critique of performing normalcy. He learns that the rigid expectations he once held are no substitute for the genuine happiness that comes from being his truest self. Through his transformation, the narrative argues that a life lived on one’s own terms, however unconventional, is far more meaningful than one spent performing for social approval.
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