Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

“As far as I knew, no one else had the challenges I did, but I was working hard despite them. In fact, in my mind, I might’ve been the most committed and engaged person on the deal! But any member of my team could have told you I had a problem,” Theo continued, “a problem with my focus, my engagement, and even my performance. I was failing to catch issues I was hired to anticipate, and it was negatively impacting our project at a critical moment.”

This quote illustrates the key takeaway to Recognize When You Are Justifying Your Own Bad Behavior. Theo’s self-deception made him believe his personal effort excused his failures and prevented him from recognizing how his performance affected the team. In a real-world context, professionals may rationalize missed responsibilities due to personal stress, but leadership requires acknowledging impact, not just intent, to avoid harming collaboration and outcomes.

“‘But there were things I could have done differently,’ Theo continued. ‘Instead of isolating myself and indulging in my self-pity, I could have reached out to the people it was my job to coordinate and collaborate with. I can’t have been the only one having a challenging time, and I certainly wasn’t the only one who was working hard. And just think of how much sooner I could have learned about the catering if I had gone upstairs where the teamwork was happening!’”

Theo reflects on how his inward mindset led to disengagement and poor collaboration, linking directly to the takeaway to Take Responsibility for Your Role in Conflicts and Problems. In everyday work situations, a team member who feels overwhelmed might isolate themselves and assume others don’t understand, but choosing to connect rather than withdraw often reveals shared struggles and missed opportunities for support.

“But when it comes to human interaction, things can get convoluted. Self-deception distorts how we see and engage with each other, and it blinds us to the ways we invite dysfunction in our relationships.”

This quote underscores the book’s central message about the dangers of self-deception in leadership and relationships. It reflects the key takeaway of recognizing one’s role in conflict. When people are self-deceived, they overlook how their mindset or behavior might contribute to tension. For example, if a pitch falls flat, one might be tempted to assume the client is unimaginative or overly cautious, but reflecting on one’s own potential failures—for instance, assuming too much—is likely more productive.