Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box

This chapter shifts the focus of Leadership and Self-Deception to parenting, where Tom’s strained interaction with his daughter, Becca, illustrates the difficulty of applying an “outward mindset” in emotionally charged, high-stakes relationships. After forgetting it’s his turn to take Becca to school, Tom scrambles to manage both parental responsibility and professional commitments. His frustration builds, especially as Becca shows little appreciation. Yet amid the tension, Tom recalls Theo’s question— “Are you seeing any of the people around you as objects?” (71)—and momentarily redirects himself. He offers a quiet apology, softening the dynamic, though the conversation soon veers back into conflict. Becca accuses him of treating her like a project, highlighting how Tom’s attempts at connection can still feel transactional or performative.

This episode doesn’t resolve cleanly, and that’s the point. The authors use Tom’s failed effort as evidence that real change is iterative, not linear. “Trial and error,” as the chapter’s title suggests, is essential to the process of practicing self-awareness and relational integrity. Even sincere efforts may fall flat, especially when the other person is not ready to engage, but that doesn’t invalidate the effort itself.

What distinguishes this chapter is its refusal to romanticize the work of personal transformation. The discomfort, rejection, and ambiguity that Tom faces mirror everyday realities for many parents, especially divorced parents navigating co-parenting with guilt and logistical complexity.