Looking for JJ

“Then there was Rosie herself. Rosie with her powerful hug and no-nonsense manner; Rosie who smelled of lemons and garlic and basil and who was always trying to fatten her up. Dear, sweet Rosie. Alice hadn’t known that such people existed.” 

Rosie represents an ideal maternal figure for Alice, something that she has never experienced. While living with Rosie, Alice finally has a stable and supportive home environment in which to grow and flourish. Rosie acts as a surrogate parent for Alice, providing the care and support she needs to get through a difficult time.

“Three children walked away from the cottages on the edge of the town towards Berwick Waters. Later that day only two of them came back.” 

This passage highlights the mystery posed at the beginning of the story: Why did Jennifer kill her friend? This question haunts Alice as much as it haunts the public at large, and she isn’t always able to provide a satisfactory answer for herself.

“He began to kiss her gently at first, holding himself up above her as though he was doing press-ups but then the kisses got longer and he half lay on top of her, rifling her clothes and stroking and touching her until she was dizzy. ‘I’ve got condoms,’ he’d whispered hoarsely, but she had shaken her head and pushed him off. He’d been good-natured about it but underneath she sensed a growing impatience.” 

In this passage, Frankie makes sexual advances onto Alice even though she is uncomfortable. While Frankie is not a bad person in general, he is physically controlling and insistent, and he is frustrated with Alice for not going along with him. Although Alice is attracted to Frankie, she is still uncertain about sex.

“If the woman with the flapping ten-pound note knew who she was talking to. If she had any inkling that she was centimetres away from Jennifer Jones, JJ, the girl from Berwick who had spent six years in prison for murder. What would she say? Would she be so bright and pleasant, commenting on the good weather as she asked for her black coffee and pecan biscuit?” 

Alice is haunted by the thought that people could discover her identity. She does not believe that it is possible for her to live a normal life or to have relationships with other people if they know about the crime she has committed. Instead, she believes that they would be horrified that she was living among them as if she were a normal person.

“‘So what if this detective, this Sherlock Holmes, comes into the café. What’s he going to say? He doesn’t know your new name! He has no photographs of you! He thinks Jennifer Jones has just arrived. He can ask anyone he likes but no one will be able to point at you.’” 

Rosie attempts to reassure Alice that the detective searching for her won’t be able to find her. She tries to comfort Alice by reminding her that she has a new name and identity that is separate from her former life as Jennifer. 

“Rosie was such a warm person, easy to get on with. That’s why she bonded with the girls who came to stay. Sometimes it made Alice feel good. At other times she resented those easygoing ways because it meant that Rosie clicked with everyone she met. Like Sara, the new woman from downstairs. Alice could never do that.” 

Alice is resentful of Rosie’s ability to easily get along with people, and she wishes she had the same skill. Alice is also jealous that Rosie can become close with other people, rather than only with Alice.

“It sounded good. A new life. A new start. Like being born again. Except that Alice was carrying a heavy load into that new life. A lot of baggage from the past, weighing her down.” 

As hard as Alice tries, she can’t escape the events of her past. Although she desperately wants to start over and begin a new life, the emotional and psychological scars of her childhood will stay with her wherever she goes.

“The counsellors had never really understood. In those early days her mum hadn’t actually abused her. She’d simply deserted her, cast her off. Abandoned her.” 

While Alice acknowledges that she has never been abused, she tries to get other people to understand that her mother’s treatment of her was in some ways just as bad as outright abuse. Carol abandoned Alice to fend for herself rather than taking care of her and supporting her.

“But the big things of life. They were ingrained. They lived in the fibres of the brain, in the tissue and the blood. They would always be there, curled up, sleeping in the unconscious, until something prodded at them. Memories that flickered into life and filled her head with pictures. A trip out for three children that would live with Alice for the rest of her life. A hole dug in the ground, the skeletal face of the feral cat, the splashing of water, the sight of blood, like a shocking red rose blooming from a child’s head. How could she expect the press to forget when she never ever would?” 

The evocative language in this passage emphasizes Alice’s memories lurking just beneath the surface, waiting for only the slightest prodding before they are reawakened. She is haunted by the graphic images of the murder she committed and can’t outrun the consequences of her actions.

“How could she explain it to anyone? She hadn’t been hit, punched, locked away. She hadn’t had anyone screaming at her, ordering her about, insulting her. She’d just been sidelined, forgotten about. She’d been left with friends and family, the social services, complete strangers; finally when there was no one else she’d just been left on her own.” 

Alice reflects on the trauma and neglect she experienced as a child. While she wasn’t physically abused, she was essentially abandoned by all the adult figures in her life. This neglect has had a lasting negative impact on Alice’s life.

“Is this enough? To go to work every day? To have friends? To become educated? For what, in the end? To become a wife, a mother? Would it be better if she went abroad and worked among the hungry and the desperate? If she could prevent others from suffering and dying, would that make up for what she did six years before on Berwick Waters? Would it then be a life for a life?” 

Alice struggles with what it means to live a good life and what she should do with her newfound freedom. She wants to live a normal, uneventful life but also wrestles with guilt for her past actions; she feels the need to atone for them by doing some good in the world.

“Three children who went out for an adventure. Only two came back. The knowledge of it would always drag her backwards in time. No matter how many years passed it would always be there, attached to her by some invisible thread.” 

Alice is constantly taken back to the fateful events of the day she committed murder. Although she tries to move on and start over, she is always connected to the events of that day. Even with a new name and identity and a possible fresh start in the eyes of the world, her memories are still with her.

“School was easy. She’d been to six different ones over the years. […] In the past she’d been nervous, looking along the rows of strange faces. This time it was different. In the corner, by the class library, was Michelle, and beside her an empty space that had been saved.” 

Although Jennifer has been to many schools before as she’s moved from home to home, this is one of the first in which she has a real friend. Jennifer is grateful for her relationship with Michelle and feels as if having even one friend will make a difference in Jennifer’s life.

“Jennifer hated Sonia. […] She raised the recorder and banged it on her forehead. […] She watched as Sonia’s face reddened and crumpled and then a long wail came from her ugly mouth. Jennifer stepped back, her arm dropping down by her side, the weapon hanging silently.” 

When Michelle abandons Jennifer and adopts Sonia as a new best friend, Jennifer is hurt, jealous, and overwhelmed. She is unable to process her feelings in a productive way and resorts to violence to solve her problems. Because Michelle is one of the few positive relationships in Jennifer’s life, Jennifer will do anything it takes to keep her as a friend.

“‘Why are you dressed like that?’ Jennifer said, edging the door shut behind her, afraid that somehow, without warning, Michelle might appear at her shoulder. ‘That’s what you do in modelling,’ her mum said. ‘You dress up in other people’s clothes.’” 

Jennifer is nervous and uncomfortable when she sees her mother dressed up in a schoolgirl uniform. While Carol tries to explain that it is just part of a job, Jennifer remains unconvinced and is certain that something is wrong and embarrassing about her mother’s outfit.

“[S]he had a school and friends and her own house, and she and her mum were together […], sleeping under the same roof. If it meant waking up in the middle of the night […] to hear her moving around in bed she’d put up with […] enduring Mr. Cottis and his long thin fingers and bony knuckles, his bag and suitcase on wheels blocking up the hallway. It wasn’t the kind of life she’d thought they would have when they moved into Water Lane, but it was better than living with her gran.” 

Even though Jennifer’s life with her mother in Berwick is not ideal, she still clings to the small amount of stability it provides in the form of her house, her friends, and the presence of her mother. Although Carol still doesn’t pay much attention to Jennifer, and her photographer Mr. Cottis makes Jennifer uncomfortable, Jennifer is willing to put up with almost anything to make sure that her life doesn’t change.

“She glanced back up to her house and felt a great lump of frustration at her throat. She didn’t know what was happening in her mum’s room. And yet deep down, in a way that she couldn’t have explained to anybody, she did know.” 

Alice is scared and confused about her mother’s new modeling job. Although she is still too young to grasp the full implications, she knows instinctively that something is wrong.

“She looked back to the portfolio. Even though there were no recent pictures of Carol Jones, she knew with absolute certainty that her mum was a model. Not a prostitute. A model.” 

Jennifer tries desperately to reassure herself that her mother is a model and not a prostitute. Jennifer’s idea of her mother is so wrapped up in modeling that Jennifer is certain it is a core part of her mother’s identity.

“And then it occurred to her. Why not stay out? Why not stay out all day? That way she wouldn’t have to see Mr. Cottis or dress up in a silly uniform to have her photographs taken. She started to walk, her body feeling looser, lighter even. It was simple. Why hadn’t she thought of it up to that moment.” 

Rather than return to her mother and Mr. Cottis, Jennifer reasons that she can simply stay out of the house until he goes away. Although she cannot articulate why, she is scared of Mr. Cottis and doesn’t want to participate in a photo shoot that essentially amounts to child pornography.

“Two shots of her mum, lying back on a sofa of some sort, naked except for a teddy bear that she was holding up to her cheek. Her mum. Naked. A child’s toy rubbing against her skin. It didn’t seem right. It didn’t look nice. She held them in her hand for what seemed like a long time, her fingers trembling, her mind blank, like an empty room.” 

At the lake, Jennifer discovers naked pictures of her mother among Lucy’s brothers’ belongings. Jennifer is troubled and believes that there is something wrong about the pictures, but she doesn’t understand the reason why her mother is in these pictures.

“Michelle was gripping Jennifer’s arm fiercely. She turned to look at her best friend. Her mouth was hanging open in some kind of shock, but her eyes were glittering with excitement.” 

Jennifer’s violence both shocks and excites Michelle. While Jennifer is the one who commits violent acts, Michelle is complicit in many of them and even sometimes instigates them. Michelle is portrayed here not as an innocent young girl but as an immature and sometimes cruel and manipulative child.

“She would have no friends. Just her mum and her. Alone together. Her mum who loved her enough to offer her to Mr. Cottis. She felt a sudden sense of loss; as if everything important was walking away. She raised her hand to stop it, to reach out and pull it back. Be my friend, she wanted to say, she might have even said it as she raised the baseball bat and swung it at the back of Michelle’s head.” 

Jennifer thinks about what her life would be like without Michelle in it. Now that Jennifer’s mother has betrayed her and cast her aside, Michelle is the only positive presence in Jennifer’s life. Jennifer is so desperate for Michelle to stay that she acts recklessly and accidentally kills Michelle.

“Why was it like that with people? You got close to them. You began to love them. Then they let you down.” 

With Frankie, Alice reflects that most relationships end in failure, especially close friendships and romantic relationships. Alice is pessimistic about her ability to truly connect with people without them ultimately disappointing her.