Love, Pamela: A Memoir of Prose, Poetry, and Truth

“My parents were always quick to say things like, If only we had money, things would be better. But I already knew then that it would take much more than that.”

The author reflects on the tensions in her parents’ marriage, which unraveled due to her father’s drinking and physical abuse. By discussing her parents’ relationship and their difficulties, the author sets the stage for Forgiveness as a Catalyst for Personal Growth.

“Gerry and I were a bit confused, coming from an island. In Kamloops, there was no beach, no ocean, no rocky mountains. It was dry, with hills full of grasshoppers. All we had was a parking lot to play in, where Gerry and I met some local kids […] Close by, I found a horse ranch and an orchard. I’d climb up the wooden fence and reach over and pick apples, holding as many as I could fit in my scooped-up T-shirt. Then I’d go hang on the ranch fence and feed the horses.”

Anderson’s life changed overnight when her mother relocated the family inland to Kamloops. By sharing her memories of taking solace in animals and nature, the author characterizes herself as a sensitive person who has a special bond with animals which has continued to this day, foreshadowing her later activism with PETA.

“It hurt me a lot, keeping this secret. It was so confusing, and I didn’t know who to go to. I knew I shouldn’t have been there, and I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. I started to trust the people around me even less. Eventually, I just blocked it out.”

Anderson’s rape at the age of 13 made her distrustful and withdrawn. By sharing her trauma Anderson sheds light on the devastating effects of sexual violence. In stating that she felt responsible for being somewhere she shouldn’t have been and “didn’t want to get anyone in trouble,” Anderson voices the internalized victim-blaming that prevents many rape survivors from coming forward.

“When I read about interpreting mythology, poetry, art, I felt as if they were clues to living. I was hungry to know how people from all over the world, from across time, experienced love and survived it.”

The author’s interest in art and culture add depth to her self-portrayal as she reveals her private interests and hobbies. By alluding to mythology, poetry, and art, Anderson places her own long history of heartbreak within a far longer tradition, emphasizing that love has always been an ordeal as well as a blessing.

“I was sexualized so young that I skipped the promiscuity phase. I would only mix sex with love, and as I developed and grew slowly into womanhood, I had strong fantasies of true-love stories and fairy tales.

My body full of hurt and drama.

Bed alone

Tear-stained pillows

The mirror was an enemy.”

The author considers how her early traumas may have impacted her perspective on sex and love. The poem that concludes this passage uses personification, comparing the mirror to “an enemy,” to reveal the vulnerable real self behind her sexualized, one-dimensional image.

“I felt a pit in my stomach. I looked very young for my age, but on that huge screen I thought I looked old and ugly—that was my first, jarring feeling, before I even took in that I was up on the screen in front of the whole crowd. When I did notice, I realized that people were screaming… for me?”

Anderson remembers being featured on the Jumbotron as a young woman in Vancouver. The author contrasts her personal insecurity with the crowd’s enthusiasm for her, beginning her relationship with Fame and the Commodification of the Self.

“While I held Tracey’s baby, we talked about life. I told her I was nervous, told her about how I’d left my fiancé, how he was unkind. I’m sure she relayed all of it to Marilyn and Hef. I could tell they were digging, and I was offering what they needed. It may have been an unconscious cry for help. They got it loud and clear, and from that point on, Playboy was my family.”

Anderson recalls confiding in her makeup artist during her first photoshoot, discussing her difficult breakup and her nerves about the shoot. Her fond memories about the supportive Playboy crew help to explain why Anderson gravitated to the magazine and felt a sense of community there.

“Jon put me on a pedestal—I was on display. During the dinner, I was the star of the show. He bragged about me endlessly, made me feel special and talented. It was part of his charm. He allowed me to shine like I never had, and I think it may have been a little refreshing to the group that my efforts were pure, unpretentious, and different from the usual.”

Anderson’s new friend, producer Jon Peters, began to provide for her and show her off to his friends when she was a vulnerable newcomer to LA. Anderson’s relationship with Jon made her feel cherished and even idolized, but she worried about becoming dependent on a man. In leaving this relationship, she shows her determination to make her own way.

“On the first day of filming, I walked out of my dressing room, and Tim was in the hallway in his robe. He opened his robe and flashed me quickly—completely naked underneath. He said it was only fair, because he had seen me naked. Now we’re even. I laughed uncomfortably. It was the first of many bizarre encounters where people felt they knew me enough to make absolute fools out of themselves.”

Anderson’s photoshoot for Playboy made her instantly famous, which she parlayed into roles in television. By sharing her memories about her first day on the set of Home Improvement—and revealing her co-star’s inappropriate behavior—Anderson reflects on fame and the commodification of the self.

“He came bounding over to my table, wallet chain swinging, no shirt on, just tattoos and nipple rings. He sat beside me and licked the side of my face. In turn, I licked the face of my best friend, Melanie, and she licked someone else’s face sitting next to her, and so on.”

Anderson introduces her ex-husband Tommy Lee by remembering their first encounter at a bar. Her candid description of Lee paints him as an impulsive person who pursued her in a rather invasive way, which flattered her.

“When I moved into Tommy’s place on Malibu Road, we each weren’t even sure what the other liked for breakfast. Do we drink coffee or tea? We knew nothing of one another outside our ecstasy-induced love weekend in Mexico, but it all felt completely genuine. We had no doubt in our minds we were meant to be.

An adventure:

Love at first sight started to melt

Into day-to-day life—

We were stronger together.

It felt natural.

So impossibly in love—”

By insisting that their relationship was “genuine” and “natural,” Anderson frames her connection to Lee as spontaneous and authentic. The poem that concludes this passage offers an impressionistic evocation of emotion, in contrast to the expository tone of the prose.

“All of his antics kept getting us in trouble. One day, Tommy punched the producer in the face after he’d been told to go home. And was banned. But he would have none of that. He would park his car next door—his black Ferrari Testarossa was easy to spot—and he’d just jump the fence to be with me in my trailer. I was used to his behavior and initially thought it was funny. I interpreted it as his showing me how much he loved me and that he needed me to show him more attention.”

Anderson recalls how Tommy Lee’s infatuation and relentless attachment to her made her feel flattered and validated—even when it began to spiral out of control. By stating that she “initially” found this behavior funny and endearing, Anderson foreshadows the personal growth she will undergo as she learns to respect her own boundaries.

“Tommy and I weren’t allowed in the deposition room together; they had to interview us separately. They chose to depose me first, trying to hurt us the most. I was seven months pregnant with Dylan at the time. I was feeling strong when I walked into the room, but my heart sank when I saw there were naked photos of me blown up and placed behind the lawyers seated across the table. Such a cruel tactic, apparently done to prove I didn’t care about being nude publicly.”

After the theft and release of their home videos, Anderson and Lee sued the company responsible. Describing her difficult depositions humanizes the author and helps to explain why she dropped the suit despite the immense harm the incident caused her.

“They ended up making hundreds of millions of dollars off the spliced-together home movies of us. We endured years of embarrassment, harassment, and stress—not to mention what our families went through, our parents, our siblings, and how it affected our kids when they got older and were teased in school. Playboy was innocent […] this was much harder on everyone. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. It is still a great cause of pain for all of us. It ruined lives, starting with our relationship—and it’s unforgivable that people, still to this day, think they can profit from such a terrible experience, let alone a crime.”

Anderson blames the “sex tape” scandal for adding to the strain on her marriage and causing irreparable harm to her reputation and mental health. This passage reveals the human cost behind the public scandal, giving substance to Anderson’s theme on fame and the commodification of the self, as in this case the most intimate aspect of Anderson and Lee’s lives was literally made into a commodity without their consent.

“After I chased Bob to his car, he peeled out, leaving me there alone. I turned back and apologized, then asked if anyone could give me a ride home. When I walked in, Bob was smashing a photo on the wall. He said he was sick of waking up to a picture of me and David LaChapelle every day. But it wasn’t me and David—it was Marilyn Monroe and Bert Stern. We broke up. I didn’t stay in touch with Bob.”

When Kid Rock, or “Bob,” stormed out of a film screening and behaved jealously, Anderson ended the marriage. Anderson’s breaking point with Bob invites the reader into another painful marital breakdown. The last two short, declarative sentences employ ironic understatement to highlight the finality of this breakup.

“Then I’d watch my boys surf from the beach, or from the truck’s front seat on colder days. I’d call in our order of breakfast burritos (no beans) from Lily’s—the best in Malibu—picking them up as soon as she opened. By eight, I’d have to start calling the boys in from the water. It was a struggle—they would always negotiate, want more time, me yelling, COME ON, over the roar of the waves.”

The author describes her daily life mothering her young boys in Malibu. This passage portrays Anderson as a dedicated mom who encouraged her kids to connect with nature as she had growing up. By inviting the reader into her daily life, the author further humanizes herself, adding substance to her superficial public image.

“Our trailer was a hot spot—people were drawn to it, and that made me proud. I took in a lot of kids over the years, some of whom became like family. I made breakfast for all. My famous waffles. My boys would just let me know how many friends were coming, and I’d get to making stacks of them. Kids in the park knew they could come to me with anything. I saw myself in some of them, and I wanted to support them with an open heart, lots of food and love.”

Anderson prides herself on her hospitality and recalls her joy at acting as a provider while living in the Paradise Cove trailer park. The name of this famous Malibu neighborhood symbolizes its narrative role as an idyll—a temporary, protected space of innocence and simplicity. The child-centered world Anderson creates here foreshadows her later return to her childhood home in Canada, where she cultivates similar simple pleasures.

“I didn’t agree to another run with the magic show or take any more projects on. It was time to get out of Las Vegas and reset. ALWAYS A WAY OUT […] Marcus and my driver, Errol, had gotten themselves into trouble while we were in Vegas. They were playing blackjack in my room and ended up owing Rick a couple hundred thousand dollars. Rick said that he would forgive the debt […] if I married him. I thought he was joking. And then he upped the ante, he threw in that I’d have to have sex with him, right then. Calling his bluff, I said, ‘Okay!’”

Anderson’s cryptic poem “Always a way out,” suggests that she rebelled against her friend’s advice to leave Las Vegas and its destructive lifestyles behind. Instead, she impulsively married her friend, the professional gambler Rick Salomon, beginning another whirlwind marriage.

“Media can be a bitch. A weapon, or used for good. The most important thing to me, after being a mom, was my deep passion for animals and the environment. Activism fit alongside my career naturally. I’ve spent years campaigning for PETA and many other like-minded organizations.”

Anderson’s view of media attention as a double-edged sword elaborates her theme on The Pitfalls of Fame. By explaining how she tries to use her fame to protect animals and nature, the author portrays herself as a compassionate, informed person, adding depth to her image and undoing the media’s caricaturization of her.

“For my birthday, I asked that we volunteer at the California Wildlife Center, cleaning birdcages and feeding hummingbirds with an eyedropper. We made individual meals for rescued squirrels and once took home a rogue possum that was rehabilitated enough to be set free. Since possums are nocturnal, we waited until dusk, then released him in the same spot where he was found. A fond memory. Imprinting a natural kindness.”

Anderson shared her passion for animals with her children to teach them compassion for other creatures. By focusing on her parenting and interests outside her career, this passage adds detail to Anderson’s portrayal of herself. She uses short sentence fragments to underscore the emotional impact of this experience.

“I’d long been involved with refugee organizations, and when I first arrived in France, I took a train to the northern coast, to Calais, where refugees—from Sudan and the African continent, from Kurdish Iraq, from Syria and Afghanistan—lived in the ‘Calais Jungle’ while waiting for asylum […] It was a humbling experience. I brought boxes of much-needed supplies and food, cooking a massive vat of lentil soup. I also handed out children’s books to help kids learn French and English, and would read aloud to a wide-eyed audience.”

Anderson’s experiences in Calais showcase her activism and her continued interest in using her fame for good. By reflecting on this “humbling” experience, Anderson resists fame and the commodification of the self, reclaiming agency by using her fame for good.

“I turned to activism and poetry when I was hurting, to express myself, and to remind myself who I was. It helped me tremendously to be busy doing what I felt was meaningful. I wasn’t sure how many times a heart could be broken. I guess as many times as it takes.”

Anderson’s heartbreak in France prompted her to immerse herself in her writing and refocus on others. This passage emphasizes her creativity and empathy while pointing to forgiveness as a catalyst for personal growth. Here, she forgives herself for what others have seen as a string of bad romantic choices.

“Ladysmith—My collection of sea glass, exotic hummingbird feeders, A simple potting shed. A little chaos—an art deco landscape shaped by wind.”

Anderson’s poem about her beloved home in Ladysmith captures her ongoing love affair with nature and her feeling of freedom and self-expression in her new home. Her prose shows how she loves to interact with nature through her hobbies of collecting, gardening, and helping wildlife.