Maybe Now

“Jake’s words kept repeating in my head as I was pushing against the wind. This is living! He’s right. This is the most I’ve ever lived, and I want to do it again. We’ve only been on the ground for all of a minute. Jake’s landing was impeccable, but I’m still harnessed to him and we’re sitting on the ground, my feet out in front of me as I try to catch my breath. I appreciate that he’s given me a quiet moment to soak it all in.”

Maggie Carson’s skydiving experience introduces the novel’s theme of The Value of Self-Love and Self-Discovery. Often constrained by her health concerns, Maggie longs for newness, excitement, and freedom. Meeting and jumping with Jake opens her to a new realm of experience and reinvigorates her engagement with life. Her body language in this scene—both during and after the jump—evokes notions of relaxation and ease, reiterating Maggie’s self-empowerment.

“It’s not like [Sydney] showed up with evil intentions and tried to steal him from me. She and I actually got along, and I know they both tried to do the right thing. I’m not sure we’ll ever get to a point where we’ll all hang out as friends. That would be too weird. But I can be happy that Ridge is happy.”

Maggie’s internal monologue accomplishes multiple literary effects. Maggie is lucidly reflecting on her, Ridge, and Sydney’s complicated dynamic but isn’t holding any bitterness toward Ridge or Sydney. This shows Maggie’s capacity for empathy and forgiveness. The latter lines of the passage also use foreshadowing—they predict the work the friend group will do to get along and establish healthy relationships despite Maggie’s expectations otherwise.

“Skydiving is the last thing she should be doing. That can’t be good for her lungs. I start to respond to her, but I pause in the middle of my text. This is the one thing she disliked the most about me. My constant worrying. I have to stop stressing about her doing things that might make her situation worse. It’s her life, and she deserves to live it however she wants.”

Ridge’s reflections on his and Maggie’s relationship establish the novel’s theme of Navigating the Boundaries Between Friendship and Romance. Because Ridge and Maggie have known and been intimate with each other for years, Ridge is accustomed to protecting Maggie. However, in this passage, he’s actively trying to rewrite the parameters of their relationship now that they’re not together and he’s with Sydney. His thought processes show his self-awareness and desire to grow.

“I don’t know if he’s responding to her or not, but I guess it’s not my business. Is it? I don’t even know if I should be mad. I don’t think I’m mad. Confused is a better word for it. Or maybe uncomfortable is the best way to describe what I’m feeling.”

Sydney’s work to understand her own emotions conveys the complications of navigating the boundaries between friendship and romance. Sydney and Ridge are now together, a relationship that Sydney understands to have certain rules. Ridge and Maggie aren’t together anymore, but their sustained friendship doesn’t abide by the same neat parameters of intimacy. Sydney is trying to understand her role in this complex dynamic and to “describe what [she’s] feeling.” Once she’s able to name her emotions, she’s better able to articulate them aloud.

“‘I love you more than I have ever loved anyone.’ I close my eyes because the impact of his words hits me everywhere. I had no idea how much I wanted those words. Needed those words. And he knows I would never ask him to admit that or compare us to his last relationship, but here he is, wanting to diminish any shred of doubt I might have had while at his apartment tonight.”

Sydney’s response to hearing Ridge tell her he loves her stresses the importance of communication in relationships. Sydney and Ridge are now together, which implies that Sydney knows Ridge cares about her. In this intimate scene, however, Sydney realizes that hearing Ridge clearly communicate his feelings to her is something she wants and needs. This open, honest, and vulnerable communication grants Sydney assurance in herself and her relationship.

“He’s staring at me right now, and I’m staring at him, and I don’t know exactly what it is that’s taken over me at the moment. A little bit of adrenaline. Attraction. Maybe even infatuation. Whatever it is, I have a bad feeling about it. I don’t know Jake well enough, but I think the intense look on his face suggests he feels it, too. I break eye contact with him and clear my throat.”

Maggie’s body language and self-awareness during this scene capture her fear of embracing her feelings for Jake Griffin. She feels “adrenaline,” “attraction,” and “infatuation,” but abruptly disrupts their moment of sustained connection by breaking “eye contact with him” and clearing her throat. These actions convey Maggie’s discomfort with accepting how she feels and what she wants. The scene foreshadows the self-reflection and self-acceptance work Maggie still has to do on her journey toward personal growth.

“I’m dying, Jake. Dying. What’s going to come of this? I don’t ever want to get married. I don’t want children. I have no desire for another relationship where I’ll eventually become someone’s burden. Yes, last night was incredible. And that’s exactly why you should have left already. Because I have things I want to do, and falling in love and fighting with someone about how I live the last few years of my life is not something that’s ever been on my bucket list.”

Maggie’s vehement tone in this scene of dialogue creates a tense narrative mood. Maggie is trying to convey her feelings to Jake as directly as possible. She uses anaphora, negation, and fragmentation to present her emotions and to stave off sentimentality. The moment also conveys the importance of communication in relationships. Maggie is actively pushing Jake away with her words because she isn’t yet ready to admit that she’s afraid of the future.

“Why did I have to react that way? She’s right. She’s been nothing but patient with me, and the first chance I have to show her the same trust and patience in return, I stomp out of the room in a tantrum.”

Ridge’s internal monologue captures his emotional growth and desire for healthy communication in his relationship. He is reflecting on the way he treated Sydney, which conveys his capacity for empathy. His use of figurative language (comparing his behavior to a “tantrum”) evokes notions of childishness. Ridge is therefore recognizing his need to behave more maturely.

“But on the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about him. […] But the idea of setting ourselves up for emotional investment just makes me sad since I know it won’t end well. So what do I do? What choice do I make? Avoid him and be sad? Or embrace him and be sad?”

Maggie’s mental vacillations convey her work to better understand what she wants and needs. This passage marks a turning point in her journey towards personal growth. She asks herself questions about her future with Jake and tries to weigh the risks and benefits of getting involved with him. Her stream of consciousness conveys her desire to be in tune with herself and to make thoughtful decisions.

“My immediate reaction to her surprised me. I can’t even remember the last time I was attracted to someone like that. But the second I saw her, something in me woke up. Something I knew was there, but had never been rattled until then. I hadn’t looked at a girl and felt that way in so long, I forgot how stupefying attraction could be.”

The author uses the love-at-first-sight trope to instigate Jake and Maggie’s relationship dynamic. Even days after meeting Maggie, Jake can’t stop thinking about the first time he saw her. He likens the attraction between them to the feeling of being “woke[n] up,” “rattled,” and “stupef[ied].” This figurative language captures the intensity of Jake’s feelings for Maggie and foreshadows the rapidity with which their relationship will develop.

“The girl in front of me right now is the same girl who showed up alone to skydive for the first time this week. So I will respect her choice and I will walk away for the exact same reason I was drawn to her in the first place. Because she’s an independent badass who doesn’t need me to fill a void.”

The alternating first-person narrations formally offer perspective on each of the characters. In this passage, Jake’s first-person point of view reveals that he sees Maggie as a powerful, independent, and level-headed person. His vantage point adds dimension to Maggie’s character but also balances the surrounding chapters where Maggie’s point of view is more self-critical. Jake’s internal monologue implies that those who love us see us more clearly than we see ourselves.

“But I don’t know how to be there for both her and Sydney right now. I didn’t really think ahead when Maggie and I split up. I doubt she thought ahead, either. But Warren is right. What kind of person would that make me if I just walked out on the girl who has depended solely on me for the past six years when it comes to her medical needs?”

Maggie’s medical needs create tension in Ridge’s storyline. Ever since breaking up with Maggie, Ridge has been navigating the boundaries between friendship and romance. He wants “to be there for both her and Sydney,” but feels caught between competing desires, needs, and responsibilities. The passage reiterates the challenges of turning a romance into a friendship and transitioning a friendship into a romance at the same time.

“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I. FUCKING. LOVE. YOU. SYDNEY.”

Ridge uses repetition, fragmentation, capitalization, and expletives in his text to communicate the intensity of his feelings for Sydney. The construction of his text message enacts his heartfelt devotion to Sydney and his desperation for Sydney to know this. The passage is at once hyperbolic and playful, also capturing Ridge’s two sides.

“The girl who feels full of life, despite her illness. And then there’s this quieter version of Maggie, who’s been looking back at me in the mirror these last few days. The Maggie who lets her worries consume her. The Maggie who thinks she’s too much of a burden to date a man she’s completely into. […] I don’t like this version of myself.”

The way that Maggie thinks about herself conveys the work she has to do on her journey towards personal growth. Maggie acknowledges that she is a complicated person. However, she’s also at odds with the more dependent “version of [her]self.” As long as she hides or demonizes this facet of her identity, she’ll remain in conflict with it. She must let her “quieter version” of self coexist with the part of her who’s “full of life.”

“That…somehow…makes complete sense. And makes me feel so much better. I think about the glitter bomb and how Bridgette smiled at me and Ridge when we were laughing together on the floor. I can’t believe I’ve never hung out with this girl before. She’s actually not so mean when you peel back all the layers of…mean.”

Sydney’s evening with Bridgette offers her perspective on friendship, intimacy, and communication. She realizes that once she spends time with another person, they can overcome their differences and find points of connection. Her internal monologue foreshadows how all six of the central characters will learn to share space and get along.

“I’ve never seen this look on her face before, and it completely guts me. I hate this for her. I really do. She starts crying harder and rolls away from me. And as much as I want to tell her it wouldn’t be so scary if she’d stop acting like she was immune to the effects of her illness, I don’t respond. I wrap my arm around her because she doesn’t need a lecture right now. She just needs a friend.”

This intimate scene between Ridge and Maggie contributes to the novel’s theme of navigating boundaries between friendship and romance. Ridge’s body language illustrates that he deeply cares about Maggie, even though they aren’t dating anymore. He puts his “arm around her,” in a gesture of friendly comfort. His body language and stream of consciousness also imply that not all healthy communication is verbal—in this case, Ridge communicates his care via physical intimacy.

“I press my face into the couch and I cry. The problem with hating yourself when you’re all alone is that you have no one to remind you of any of your good qualities. Then you just hate yourself even more, until you sabotage anything good in your life and in yourself. I’m at that point.”

Maggie’s physical vulnerability begets her emotional vulnerability. She’s crying with her “face into the couch,” which captures her feelings of despair. She’s also alone, and her solitude augments her negative self-regard. Furthermore, Maggie’s first-person narration lapses into the second-person in this passage, which suggests that she is ashamed of how she’s been behaving.

“But it wasn’t until that day on the beach two years ago that I truly understood her with every part of my being. My being deaf limits me very little. I’m still able to do every single other thing in the world besides hear. But Maggie is limited in countless ways. Ways that I can’t even fathom.”

Ridge’s flashback to his “day on the beach” grants him empathy for Maggie’s experience. Throughout the novel, Ridge navigates the boundaries between friendship and romance. This self-reflective passage offers him insight into his complicated dynamic with Maggie. In remembering his experience at the beach, he’s able to imagine Maggie’s experience.

“You have been patient. But what you haven’t been is apologetic. There’s a girl you seriously wronged, who is a huge part of Ridge’s life. And even though she claims not to blame you, you probably still owe her an apology. Apologies shouldn’t happen because of the response of the person who was wrong. Apologies should happen because of the wrong.”

Warren employs a blunt tone and clear, direct language in his conversation with Sydney. Their dialogue conveys the importance of communication in relationships. Warren isn’t accusing Sydney, but he is urging her to evaluate her mistakes, take ownership of them, and make amends for them. Their exchange catalyzes Sydney and Maggie’s reconciliation in the subsequent chapter.

“Sydney is right. Ridge deserves a lot more respect than what I’ve given him. He also deserves the girl sitting across from me right now, because this situation could have taken so many possible roads, but Sydney chose the high one.”

Maggie and Sydney’s conversation illustrates the characters’ work to communicate openly in order to heal their relationships. Maggie is learning from Sydney’s humility and forthrightness. She uses figurative language—leaning on the “high road” cliché—to illustrate how impressed she is by Sydney and how Sydney’s vulnerability is inspiring her.

“Somehow, merging Maggie more into our lives seems to have removed her even more from our relationship. It shouldn’t make sense, but it does. Putting more focus on their friendship than on the fact that she’s his ex-girlfriend will be better for our relationship in the long run.”

Ridge, Maggie, and Sydney begin to heal their dynamic with each other via honesty and openness. Ridge is marveling at how making subtle changes with Maggie and Sydney has helped him to feel present in his romantic relationship and comfortable in his friendship. His internal monologue reiterates his work to set and honor boundaries.

“My windows are down, the weather is gorgeous, and it occurred to me on my way home from work that I haven’t been in the mood to sing at the top of my lungs in my car in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because of the trajectory my life took over the past year, or if it’s college, or a combination of both. But something shifted this past week.”

The author uses descriptive and sensory language to capture a shift in Sydney’s emotional state. The images of the windows rolled down and the gorgeous weather convey notions of freedom, ease, and joyfulness. This buoyant narrative mood mirrors Sydney’s state of mind—affected by recent changes in her relationships. The scene shows how Sydney has changed along her journey towards personal growth.

“It’s incredible how seamlessly we work together. Writing music is such a solitary thing, much like how I assume writing a book would be. But when we’re together, it just works. It’s like we’re better together than we are alone.”

Sydney and Ridge’s experience writing a new song together illustrates their healthy patterns of communication and deep bond. Writing songs gives them a way to spend meaningful time together, but it’s also a way for them to communicate artistically and emotionally. The passage underscores the symbolic resonance of their songs and stresses the importance of communication in relationships.