Michael Without Apology

“It was only when he felt the sizzling fire of the lit fuse burn his belly that he knew just how monumental a mistake he had made. But it was too late to correct it. It was too late even to register it in his brain. In less time than it would have taken for a signal to travel from a brain to a muscle, Michael’s world exploded. Literally.”

The third-person narrator uses sensory detail to depict the tragic moment when Michael is injured by the firework. Diction including “sizzling,” “lit,” “burn,” “monumental,” and “exploded” enacts the physical and psychological intensity of the scene. This is the inciting incident of Michael’s life, setting off unexpected events that will influence him throughout the years to come. His “world explodes” literally—in that the firework goes off under his body—and figuratively—in that his circumstances entirely change as a result of the accident.

“They sat in silence for a long time. They could have spoken, Michael thought. If they’d wanted to have a conversation. It felt more as though nothing needed to be said.”

Michael and Jeffrey’s time together in the hospital after the fireworks accident introduces the theme of Community and Friends as a Source of Strength. Jeffrey does not ultimately remain a fixture in Michael’s life, but he does offer Michael comfort, hope, and strength when he needs it most. He teaches Michael that a friend’s presence can be stabilizing, even without verbal communication.

“But that’s not a proper way to go through life, holding off doing the things you want to do because it might upset someone else. First of all, it never works. Somebody else’ll be upset that you didn’t do it. And you’ll get to the point where you really can’t do anything, because there’s no such animal as a thing that nobody could possibly object to.”

Michael’s dialogue with Charles Woodbine addresses The Ongoing Struggle for Self-Acceptance that Michael faces. Although Judy Woodbine is skeptical of Michael’s film project, Charles reminds Michael to take pride in his ideas, work, and story. He is a stabilizing force in Michael’s life who encourages him to do whatever he needs to do to embrace authenticity—no matter the risks.

“If I have a lot of worry and stress about my body and my appearance. I do. And I’ve always known I do, but somehow it’s just coming up for me more lately—like, how much the whole thing has tanked my life, especially my personal life. I just find myself focusing on it more and more, and it’s making me so damned uncomfortable.”

The first responses to Michael’s volunteer ad change how he thinks about insecurity, comfortability, and acceptance. In his phone conversation with Tim, Michael is surprised to learn how self-disparagement can “tank” a person’s “personal life.” Tim’s vulnerable admission grants Michael insight into his own fraught relationship with his body. Like Michael, his interview subjects are all familiar with the ongoing struggle for self-acceptance.

“He ripped it up still sealed, envelope and all. Then he carried the pieces, clutched tightly in his fist, into the boys’ room, where he flushed them down the toilet. They didn’t go down properly. They caused a clog, and the toilet overflowed. And Michael thought, That figures. It was like a sign that the envelope and its dreaded contents had been nothing but trouble.”

The first letter that Livie and Miles Costa sent to Michael when he was eight years old symbolizes his childhood trauma and sense of abandonment. Michael flushed the envelope “still sealed” down the toilet because he was too overwhelmed by sorrow and betrayal to read it. He was determined to destroy “its dreaded contents” because he wanted to protect himself and compartmentalize the reality of his parents’ failures. Michael similarly compartmentalizes all his childhood trauma over the years following, refusing to confront it in an attempt to escape it.

“It felt radically new—almost alarmingly new—to allow his bare chest and belly to touch someone else’s skin. And yet in another way it felt right. More than right, actually. It felt triumphant. Like some wonderful thing he could have done ages ago if only someone would have told him he could. Or if somehow he could have arrived there on his own.”

Michael and Madeleine’s first sexual encounter marks a turning point in Michael’s character arc. This is not only the first time Michael has had sex but also the first time he’s allowed “his bare chest and belly to touch someone else’s skin.” This newfound physical intimacy teaches Michael the life-changing power of emotional vulnerability, adding a new dimension to the theme of community and friends as a source of strength. He is learning to take risks and step outside his comfort zone to experience life to its fullest. This is a vital part of his self-acceptance journey.

“‘Here I am,’ he said, accidentally stumbling on the title of the film, which Michael hadn’t told him. ‘What can I say? I accept my body, but I think I might be the only person in the world who does. Or at least I feel like I’m the only person in the world who does. And that makes me feel so lonely. It makes me feel like I’m not a part of the world like I used to be. Like I don’t fit in anywhere anymore.’”

Rex Aronfeld’s reflections on his own body send a message of hope to Michael’s future film viewers. Rex is owning his complex regard for his body. His willingness to be vulnerable about such a sensitive aspect of his experience helps Michael to do the same; in time, Rex’s story will also inspire a host of viewers to take ownership of their bodies without shame. Rex is thus fostering a community of voices and promoting acceptance with his story.

“She would say, ‘Bobby boy, scars are a fact of life. Some people manage to avoid them. Others might incur only the smaller, more subtle varieties. Then there’s the vast majority of us who wear their scars on the inside, the truly unlucky souls. They’re the ones who come to believe that no one must see their scars. But a scar is not a shameful thing, Bobby.’”

Mr. Dunning’s reflections on his relationship with his aunt and his changing regard for his scars establish scars as a motif for trauma. Immediately following the accident, Dunning struggled to overcome the shame he felt around his appearance. His aunt helped him see that scars are nothing to be ashamed of and are evidence of one’s life. Hyde’s recurring allusions to scars and scarring throughout the novel reiterate this notion, depicting scars as representations of life’s physical and emotional wounds.

“‘Why wouldn’t I do it, Mom? It’s not a secret. It’s not a scandal. It’s not a moral failing. It just is.’ He realized he was quoting fairly directly from Robert Dunning, but the right words were the right words whether he was the author or not.”

Michael’s dialogue with Judy about his film conveys his newfound confidence in himself. He is explaining why he is going to show his scars on camera in the documentary production. He is claiming his voice and his outlook without shame or fear, adopting a confident tone. This moment marks a vital turning point for Michael in the ongoing struggle for self-acceptance. He is also leaning on Mr. Dunning’s words, which underscores Dunning’s role as Michael’s archetypal guide.

“I don’t think the point is how bad any of this stuff is, or for what reason. I think the point is that none of it matters. At all. Our own stuff might matter to us, and that’s valid, but when you love someone, none of that matters.”

Michael and Madeleine’s dialogue about their physical and emotional scars conveys the theme of community and friends as a source of strength. Madeleine comes into Michael’s life unexpectedly. While she is a subject for his film, she also becomes his lover and friend. Via their relationship, he derives hope, confidence, self-acceptance, and support.

“I tend to get tears in my eyes when I’m angry, which is just so inconvenient I can hardly stand it. Just as I’m trying to project strength, that happens. I am sad. I won’t say I’m not. I’m sad about what I just found out about Madeleine’s cancer. But I’m also furious. At cancer. And I’m mad that I spent all those years not able to do what I’m doing right this minute.”

Michael’s portion of his film Here I Am—Get Used to It underscores the possibilities of healing from trauma via artistic creation. His interview for the film is the first time he has ever articulated his feelings about his scars, his experiences, and his emotions. He not only expresses his anger and sadness but also allows himself to cry. The moment is charged with emotion and heart and conveys Michael’s psychological growth.

“It made me feel different about…people. Oh, but…I actually didn’t even mean that the way it sounded. I guess that sounded like I meant it made me feel different about other people, like people who seem different from me. But that’s not what I meant at all. I’m not sure how to say it. It made me feel different about me. About how I feel about being a person.”

Michael’s documentary short sends a message of hope and acceptance. In this scene, one of Michael’s classmates is articulating how the film impacted her. Via the film, she gained insight into others’ experiences and found a sense of acceptance. She learned that there are more people like her than she expected and that her life has more value and meaning than she may have thought. Here I Am therefore helps more people than just Michael to heal.

“It’s good because it’s being alive. And I don’t mean being alive as in not dead. Really alive. Most of the world is sitting on the couch watching TV and trying to get to bed every night without anything challenging happening. You’re taking risks and you’re out on the edge of the cliff, and you’re freaking alive, and you’re scared because everything is real and you can feel it all.”

Madeleine’s conversation with Michael about his film and his life has a heartfelt tone. Madeleine is encouraging Michael to face his fears, embrace his life, and enjoy his experiences. She acknowledges her sorrow that she can’t share these things with him but doesn’t resent him for this. Instead, she urges him to accept his life for the beauty and excitement it holds.

“When he arrived home at a little after eleven the following morning, both his parents were waiting for him at the door. He found himself walking directly into his mother’s waiting arms. She held him tightly for what felt like a long time before speaking. ‘I am so, so proud of you,’ she said into his ear.”

Judy’s response to watching Michael’s documentary short reiterates the novel’s theme of healing from trauma via artistic creation. Here I Am has helped Michael to begin processing his own traumatic past, but it also helps his adoptive mother to understand Michael better. She not only holds her arms out to him when he returns home but also holds him “tightly without speaking.” Her body language conveys a welcoming, accepting mood even before she speaks.

“You’re not a child, and I don’t want to appear to be hand-holding you through the process. You made this film. You and you alone […] You may still be a college student, but you’re a professional filmmaker now.”

Mr. Dunning’s refusal to appear on stage at the Here I Am showing and question-and-answer session conveys his confidence in Michael. He wants Michael to take pride in his work and own the progress he has made. He isn’t pushing Michael away but is challenging him to claim his identity and art without fear. This is another way that Dunning satisfies the archetypal guide role: He teaches Michael and then lets him go.

“I guess more than anything, I honestly had no idea how many people were feeling stressed about how they look. […] I didn’t think everybody who responded would have extensive scarring like me, but I kind of expected it to go in that general direction. […] I had no idea this was something that’s an issue for just about everybody, at one level or another.”

Michael’s reflections on the reception of Here I Am reiterate the theme of community and friends as a source of strength. The film has inadvertently created a community of voices. The subjects have shared their vulnerable stories with the world, allowing viewers to feel accepted and seen. Michael’s reflective tone conveys how deeply this community has impacted his outlook and self-regard.

“‘I think part of the point of the film,’ he said, ‘is getting past comparing one person’s experience to another. It’s not about who has it worse. Our problems are our problems, and I think sometimes they get compared to other people’s problems in a way that makes us feel like we don’t have a right to feel the way we feel about them.’”

The Here I Am question-and-answer session gives Michael another chance to publicly reflect on all he has learned about the ongoing struggle for self-acceptance. He is accomplishing exactly what Dunning asserted that making films is about—communicating with others through art. Michael is not addressing his own difficulties but uses the first-person plural to suggest that all people are united by the human experience of insecurity.

“He threw it in the bathroom trash, brushed his teeth quickly, and put himself to bed. Then he got up, rescued the slip of paper, and tucked it into the drawer of his bedside table. Not because he actually wanted to. Only because he had promised.”

The image of Michael throwing away and retrieving Caroline’s phone number conveys how his character has changed. This scene resembles the earlier scene from Michael’s childhood when he ripped up and flushed his parents’ letter down the toilet. In that scene, Michael did not retrieve the letter, while in this scene, he does retrieve Caroline’s “slip of paper.” He is making a more conscious decision and weighing the risks and benefits, whereas in the past, he simply tried to avoid what made him uncomfortable.

“I guarantee you it’s more complicated than eight-year-old Michael perceived it to be. And also because, in this life, it seems to follow almost without exception that our regrets are made up of the things we didn’t do. Almost any mistake can be lived with, because you gave it a shot. But we regret the chances we let go by.”

Judy’s advice to Michael about contacting his birth parents encourages him to confront his traumatic past in a more concerted way. Judy has always feared Michael’s relationship with the Costas, but in this scene, she is able to empathize with Michael’s experience. She assumes a guiding role in this moment, offering Michael support through another difficult decision.

“You know how all those years I was upset because I felt like they wanted him but they didn’t want me? Well, it turns out Thomas has been upset all this time because they recognized that I needed better care than they could give me, but they took him back and just sort of…didn’t take care of him. […] Now I’m thinking I definitely got the better end of the deal.”

Michael’s reflections on his visit with Thomas and relationship with his birth parents convey his desire to heal. He has begun to confront his trauma but is admitting to Judy and Charles that he still has more to process. This scene of dialogue foreshadows Michael’s coming decision to meet with Livie and Miles Costa. This moment also conveys the insight that Michael gained into his past via his conversation with Thomas.

“Meanwhile Michael could feel himself losing the last of the clean, powerful anger that had shielded him […] Not because the Costas had convinced him that they were good people who had done the right thing, but because he had accepted, on a deep level, that they weren’t and they hadn’t. They had been a mess when he was growing up, they were still a mess, and it had nothing to do with him.”

Michael’s visit with the Costas accelerates his healing and self-acceptance journeys. Neither Livie nor Miles behave in the way that Michael hoped, but their disappointing behavior helps Michael come to terms with who his parents really are and the life he has lived since leaving their care. This moment marks a turning point in Michael’s character arc: He is coming to terms with his traumatic past and preparing to move beyond it.

“I hated it when people did that to me, though. Everybody was always trying to tell me they knew how I felt. I didn’t believe for a second that they did, and even if they did I’m not sure how that was helpful. I mean, does anybody really know how anybody else feels?”

Caroline’s reflections on her own encounters with tragedy underscore the theme of community and friends as a source of strength. When her boyfriend died, she wanted understanding, but no one knew how to comfort her in an effective way. She tries to offer Michael the strength she wanted years prior in the wake of Madeleine’s death. Their intimate connection bolsters Michael through a difficult time.

“You made love into a living thing. I don’t mean you made it that, exactly. You didn’t change love. You’re not that powerful. Who is? But what I got out of the film was not so much about whether a deceased person still has any kind of presence in our world, but more that the love two people share has a life of its own.”

Zach Brownstein’s musings on Michael’s new film The Dragon Ring reiterate the theme of healing from trauma via artistic creation. Zach is stating that Michael’s film will give grieving viewers a sense of hope. It will remind them that even if their loved one passed away, the love they shared may still survive. Zach’s reflections convey the power of Michael’s artistic work and how he uses film to heal himself and others.