45 pages • 1-hour read
Michael Without Apology
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Themes
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of illness, death, and child abuse.
Healing From Trauma Via Artistic Creation
Michael initially signs up for Mr. Dunning’s class because he believes that making films is a safer career path than acting in them. His outlook is inspired by his unresolved childhood trauma, and film soon becomes an outlet for working through his past. As he develops his confidence as a filmmaker, Michael discovers the power of healing from trauma via artistic creation.
After a fireworks accident when he is seven years old, Michael is left with severe scars all over his abdomen, chest, and thighs. This scarring is a metaphor for Michael’s emotional and psychological trauma. Indeed, even years after the fireworks incident, Michael has the scars as a constant, physical reminder of the tragedy he narrowly survived. He was not only physically injured as a child but also neglected, endangered, and abandoned by his biological parents—experiences that have compromised Michael’s sense of self and marred his psyche. In the same way Michael suppresses memories of his childhood, he keeps his scars covered—avoidant behavior that conveys his fear of confronting the true and lasting effects of what happened to him.
When Michael decides to make a documentary short about scars, he is taking the first step toward acknowledging and healing from his own fraught past. His documentary Here I Am—Get Used to It helps him discover the transformative effects that art can have on an individual’s mind, heart, and spirit. Michael’s idea for the film is to have each interview subject “tell the viewer a little about their life. About what happened, but more about how it is now. What it’s like to walk through the world with a body that’s…different” (48). His subjects end up being eclectic individuals, each with a distinct interpretation of their physical, emotional, and psychological scars. They participate in Michael’s film because they’re eager for a place to channel their frustration into something new. Michael’s film gives him and his subjects a safe space to translate their trauma into art. This artistic expression in turn communicates a message of hope, resilience, and acceptance to the world.
Michael’s film offers him an avenue to personal healing because it challenges him to confront the people who hurt him. Creating the film is Michael’s way of reflecting on and expressing his pain, while its completion rouses specters from his past in his present life. Thomas, Livie, and Miles Costa resurface when the film comes out—compelling Michael to face his biological family and their abuse. This is another way that his art helps him move beyond and overcome his trauma.
The Ongoing Struggle for Self-Acceptance
Michael’s healing process coincides with his ongoing work to accept what he has experienced and who he is without shame. Over the course of the novel, he learns to rely on the people around him to own his identity with pride. Through Michael’s experiences, the novel explores the ongoing struggle for self-acceptance.
Mr. Dunning is especially influential in this regard. During their first meeting, Dunning asserts, “Your life will be your own when you can do what I did today. Stand in front of whatever small segment of the world you find yourself facing and say ‘here I am. Get used to it.’ That’s when you’ll truly be free” (13). Self-acceptance, Dunning implies, is liberating. Michael tries to embrace this message throughout the novel. He does not idly admire Dunning’s self-assuredness but actively strives to practice Dunning’s confidence and fearlessness in his own life, relationships, academics, and artistry.
Michael’s experience making Here I Am—Get Used to It offers him an avenue to learn about and accept himself in new ways. When he first begins to work on the project, he feels confused, hesitant, and ashamed. His mother scoffs at the necessity of making a film on scars, and his ad respondents don’t have the kind of stories he expects. Over time, however, he learns that his father’s advice on life is correct: “You’re better off being you. Half the people you know’ll applaud you for it and the other half’ll be pissed off. If the people applauding you are the people you like and respect, then you’ll know you got it right” (44). Charles Woodbine urges Michael to not only accept himself but also celebrate his uniqueness. Michael learns how to do so as he makes his documentary.
Via Here I Am, Michael inadvertently inspires his subjects and viewers to accept the human condition for all its idiosyncrasies and surprises. Since he is spreading this message with his work, he discovers that he must practice this concept, too. Michael includes his own story in the documentary, and during his interview, he becomes so emotional that he cries. This vulnerable scene conveys Michael’s attempt to confront and embrace his true nature.
Michael’s relational happiness and professional success by the novel’s end convey his newfound ability to accept himself. He has grown as a son, a filmmaker, and a romantic partner because he has learned to embrace who he is without fear, apology, or shame. He doesn’t become a self-important individual, but he does learn to claim his identity, accomplishments, and disappointments in a more overt manner. The more self-assured he is, the more confident in his decisions he becomes. Self-acceptance, the novel suggests, can lead to happiness and inner stability.
Community and Friends as a Source of Strength
The novel conveys the importance of fostering healthy communities and friendships via Michael’s intimate relationships. As he gradually learns to confront his past and fully accept himself, he discovers community and friends as a source of strength as he grows and heals.
At the start of the novel, Michael is a loner. He is 19 years old but interacts with no one outside the context of his home and family life. Judy and Charles Woodbine are good parents to Michael, but he does not have any other social outlet outside of them. He doesn’t attend parties, “hook up with college girls” (13), or even spend time with friends. Instead, he moves between home and school, avoiding social interactions because he is ashamed of his body and his past. These avoidant behaviors only weaken Michael’s self-confidence and intensify his self-doubt.
Michael’s foray into college and his work on his documentary short offer him opportunities for authentic human connection. He quickly becomes close with Mr. Dunning and Madeleine, both of whom inspire him to be bolder and take more risks. Dunning is Michael’s archetypal guide, offering him advice and instruction throughout the novel. He is a quintessential guide character because he expects nothing in return; he gives his advice freely and out of love. This relationship “just change[s] everything” for Michael (45). Dunning “won’t be ashamed” of his own scars and thus “won’t let anybody else be ashamed” either (45). He is inspiring and motivating, offering Michael strength he didn’t know he needed.
Madeleine’s character also plays a guide role, but in a more emotional and romantic way. Madeleine is dying, and she has little fear of offending others and little interest in disguising her opinions and beliefs. She “presents herself to the world as unafraid,” which “makes her everything [Michael] want[s] to be [him]self” (102). From these intimate relationships, Michael receives the allowance to be vulnerable, claim his voice, and try new things. Mr. Dunning and Madeleine are unabashed and unapologetic—qualities that Michael aspires to.
Michael’s relationships with Judy, Charles, Rex Aronfeld, Tim, Tanya, Jonah Levy, and Caroline also contribute to his character evolution. Over time, Michael gains perspective on his dynamic with his adoptive family, deriving strength from their steadiness and support. With his new friends, Michael finds the courage to accept himself, face his past, make the work that’s meaningful to him, and build a future. Michael may not have the biological parents or siblings he once longed for, but his eclectic group of friends and found family members bolsters him throughout his early adult life. With the help of his community, Michael discovers not only that life’s challenges are easier to confront but also that life can be beautiful, too.
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