Mistakes Were Made

Timmy Failure comes from a long line of Failures—the family name was once Fayleure, but this was changed at some point in past generations. Timmy is small and wears a “distinctive scarf.” His polar bear, Total, wandered south in search of food and ended up in Timmy’s house. The family cat didn’t survive the incident, but Timmy has a polar bear now instead.

Timmy presents this book as a historical record of everything he has experienced and learned about working as a detective for his and Total’s investigative agency, TOTAL FAILURE, INC. According to Timmy, there are four main obstacles to his work: his mom, his school, his best friend (whom he refers to as an idiot), and his polar bear/business partner.

Timmy’s detective agency gets a call from a schoolmate named Gunnar, who claims his bucket of Halloween candy was stolen. Timmy secretly takes his mother’s Segway, which he is forbidden to use, and he and Total head to Gunnar’s house. Total immediately starts eating Gunnar’s garbage, and Timmy wishes he would be a little more classy.

In Gunnar’s house, they find an empty table where a candy bucket used to be. Timmy decides to charge $4 per day plus chicken nuggets for Total. On his way out, he passes Gunnar’s brother Gabe’s room. Gabe is on the bed, surrounded by candy wrappers and covered in chocolate. Timmy keeps walking, writing in his notepad that Gabe is “not tidy.”

Timmy doesn’t like his teacher, Old Man Crocus, because he’s “187 years old” and always seems grumpy (16). One day, Timmy decided to draw on the class’s world map, filling in all the countries in which he hoped to set up his detective empire. When Mr. Crocus erased it, Timmy erased the teacher’s work in return. Timmy was then sent to sit with three kids whom he considers not very bright, but whom the teacher thinks Timmy could learn from. The first is Molly, who smells like oranges, and the other is Rollo Tookus. The third kid is a girl whose face is obscured in the accompanying illustration, because Timmy doesn’t want to talk about her.

Timmy thinks that Rollo only appears smart because he studies constantly. Rollo hopes to get into Stanford one day, but Timmy finds it all very boring. He reminds himself never to be like Rollo by writing it on the bottom of his shoe. Timmy often goes over to Rollo’s house in the evenings, where he talks about his detective adventures while Rollo studies. Upon hearing about the candy incident, Rollo suggests that Gabe might be the culprit, but Timmy finds that ridiculous.

Timmy’s “office” is really just his mother’s closet, which is filled with clothing. Timmy wants his mother to get rid of her clothes, but that isn’t an option, so Total tries wearing them instead. Timmy plans to rent a space in a skyscraper that costs $54,000 per month; he hopes that the candy case will bring him recognition and more business.

Timmy relents and decides to interview Gabe. Gabe openly tells Timmy that he was in his room eating candy that night. Timmy writes in his notebook that Gabe has an alibi.

Timmy tells himself that he is popular and only sits alone at lunch because he’s too busy working on his detective agency. Total isn’t allowed inside the school grounds, so he sits outside the fence all day, staring at Timmy and the other children. Sometimes Timmy goes to sit near Total and pet him through the fence. Timmy also often talks to the lunch lady, a woman named Dondi Sweetwater. He doesn’t mind hanging out with her, even though she tends to talk a lot. Dondi gives Total Rice Krispies squares, which Timmy asks her to keep secret.

Timmy can tell that his mother is stressed by the way she rides her Segway back and forth down the block. At night, she reads to him, even when she’s had a hard day. Timmy provides his own stories, featuring his own illustrations. The stories always involve a seal being eaten by a polar bear, because these stories are the only way Total can sleep at night.

Timmy wears a sumo suit and stands behind a tree looking conspicuous. He waits for the girl who cannot be named to pass by, in hopes that he can roll her off the curb.

Timmy’s mother catches him skipping school and gets angry with him. He’s aware that his mother is worried about not having enough money but doesn’t see what his own contributions to her stress might be. Meanwhile, Timmy tries to turn Total into the agency’s secretary, but Total just pulls the phone out of the wall.

Timmy thinks tests are silly and usually just draws pictures on his answer sheets instead of trying to answer the questions. Today, Timmy’s teacher tells the class they will be completing the test in groups of four. Timmy’s partners are his desk mates, Rollo, Molly, and the girl he doesn’t want to name. Molly seems to have a crush on Timmy and is happy about the assignment; when she claps, the smell of tangerine floods the room, and Timmy imagines everyone as a living tangerine.

Timmy takes the Segway without permission again and goes to a classmate named Max’s house to investigate a dead hamster. Max explains he just found him that way, and Timmy starts to look for clues. He asks Max if the hamster was ever involved in crime, and Max answers no. Timmy ignores this and takes one of the hamster tubes with Max’s name on it, claiming it as forensic evidence. When he leaves the house, Timmy realizes his mother’s Segway is gone.

At the parent-teacher meeting, all Timmy can think about is the missing Segway and how he can get it back without his mother noticing it’s gone. Timmy’s mother and Mr. Crocus talk about how, if Timmy’s habits don’t change, he will be the first student that his teacher has ever held back. Timmy waits for his mother to defend him, but she just nods her head.

The other day, Timmy intentionally failed the group test in class, causing everyone’s grades to fall. Rollo is now panicking about the next test, and his head appears to shake from stress. Rollo spends the night studying while Timmy tries to figure out how to get the Segway back.

Timmy attaches a bucket of chicken nuggets to a string and uses it to lure Total along in a wagon, their new form of transportation. He knows Total is humiliated, but Timmy thinks it is necessary. He makes his way to another case at a house covered in toilet paper. Unfortunately, the case is already being investigated by Timmy’s rival and the girl he previously refused to name: Corrina Corrina.

Timmy considers Corrina Corrina to be in line with some of history’s most evil people, such as Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun. Corrina Corrina has her own detective agency in an office that her father lets her use in a fancy building downtown. Timmy envisions himself renting space in a skyscraper next door so he can drop shoes on her from above. Corrina Corrina also has all sorts of fancy gadgets she uses in her investigations, but Timmy thinks that those things are unnecessary.

Timmy has filed almost 150 complaints against Corrina Corrina, but none of them seem to be of any use. Desperate to compete and promote his business, Timmy buys a hat that reads “BISCUITS” on it and starts handing out free cheese. Unfortunately, everyone who comes by is preoccupied by the mysterious lack of biscuits.