More or Less Maddy: A Novel

At the end of her comedy show in Vegas, Maddy lies naked in her hotel room, hardly remembering the man she was with last night, nor how long she’s been staying there. She stares up at the ceiling fan, imagining how she might use it to end her life, and is filled with shame over her constantly spiraling life. Maddy believes she could be a Grammy-winning artist, but she has never written a song or played an instrument, though she did scrawl some lyrics on the hotel wall. Maddy goes through periods of extreme confidence, believing she can do anything, but these feelings always end and are replaced with a total lack of motivation, energy, and confidence. Sometimes these depressive episodes last for days, other times for months. Maddy considers calling her mother to come help her once again, but she threw her phone in a fountain and has no way of doing so. She thinks about how much easier everything would be if she were dead.

At the end of her first year at New York University, Maddy is totally exhausted and burnt out. Despite putting uncharacteristic effort into her studies, she is certain her exams did not go well.