“This might be where I had to live, and I would try to make the best of it, but it would never be my home.”

This quote sets up a dichotomy between where someone lives and the concept of home. After losing her family, Jackie loses her sense of home and stability: not only the place she lived with her family, but the people that were the scaffolding of her life, the people she felt safest with. While Jackie has a place to live with the Walters, without that emotional support and connection to a family, Jackie initially struggles to develop a sense of home or see the Walters’ house as anything more than a place to live.

“If I could figure out what made Cole so special, then maybe I could eliminate the twisting in my stomach every time I saw him.”

The text establishes Cole as a foil to Jackie early on in the text. His confident personality, bordering on arrogance, should be a turn-off to her, and yet Jackie has a visceral bodily reaction to Cole from the moment they meet. A foil is a secondary character whose personality highlights the differences between their personality and that of the protagonist. Cole’s impulsiveness, confidence, and carefree nature highlight Jackie’s more reserved and cautious nature. And yet, there is a distinct sense of attraction between them from early on, as Jackie’s stomach twists uncomfortably whenever she is around him, suggesting that Cole’s opposite personality might be just what she needs to develop and reach her full potential.

“I couldn’t force my tight, neat world where everything made sense upon them. They lived by their own strange set of rules, and somehow, I was going to have to learn to work within those boundaries and still strive for perfection.”

After spending her first few evenings with the Walters, Jackie and the reader get a clearer sense of the atmosphere of the Walter home. It is loud, chaotic, and the Walter kids have a strong sense of allegiance to one another, a set of rules that are unspoken and difficult for Jackie to parse out as an outsider. She realizes that she will need to be the one to adapt to this new environment, living within the confines of the Walters’ chaotic life while maintaining her own inner sense of striving for perfection.

“I don’t remember when I came to the conclusion, but I realized if I could be as successful as my dad, my mom would start to love me the way she did with Lucy. After all, she fell in love with him even though they were opposites.”

This quote is a clear example of how Jackie developed her attitude toward herself. Jackie’s relentless pursuit of perfection, even in the face of great personal tragedy, is a direct result of her desire for her mother’s love and affection. It illustrates how Jackie’s mind works: She believes that if she cannot make herself more like her mother, then she will mold herself into an approximation of her father, someone whose opposite personality meshes well with her mother’s. In doing so, Jackie perhaps puts aside her own intrinsic personality traits in pursuit of molding herself into someone she thinks her mother will love.

“Back in New York, after my breakdown, I taught myself how to control my feelings. It was vital to my future success because I could never lose myself like that again. So I built a wall inside my mind to keep back my flood of emotions. But here, it was harder to maintain. The Walters’ house was like nothing I’d ever experienced before: disorganized, rowdy, and unpredictable. Without a proper foothold, some type of steadiness, I was losing myself in the chaos.”

Jackie employs a metaphor to further elaborate on the ways she has adapted to her situation to protect herself. To prevent her emotions from taking over her life and derailing her plans for her future, Jackie controls or suppresses her emotions, hiding them safely behind a mental “wall” that keeps her emotions contained. The chaos of the Walter home, however, acts as a battering ram toward this wall: The disorganization threatens Jackie’s ability to carefully plan and control her actions, and therefore she feels a threat to her mental safety. This quote lends important insight into Jackie’s perceptions of emotion: Having been incapacitated by emotion after the death of her family, she believes that showing emotion is unsafe, a risk, and a threat to the stability she has so painstakingly tried to cultivate in her life.

“Why was I still here breathing when my family was gone, their lives cut short? Would they feel as guilty as me, I thought, if it had been the other way around?”

When posed with an opportunity to do something daring and out of the norm (jumping from the hayloft with Cole), Jackie initially resents herself for letting herself jump and do something fun and carefree. She asks herself these rhetorical questions as a way to interrogate her assumption that living the rest of her life in the unemotional pursuit of perfection is the only way to honor her family’s memory. These questions, and her subsequent jump, illustrate a shift in Jackie’s way of thinking, a glimpse into the way she will begin to grow and forgive herself for still being alive while her family is not.

“Cole’s mouth parted, and suddenly I was reminded of one of those romantic movie moments […] As the rest of the room fades away, he leans toward her, hesitating for a moment to build the suspense. Then, in one swift move, he closes the gap between their lips […] Standing in front of Cole felt just like that, except for the kissing part.”

In trying to describe the feeling of nearly kissing Cole in the hayloft, Jackie alludes to familiar tropes within romantic literature to illustrate the scene. She compares the situation to scenes in romantic films that use pacing to build tension and suspense before the tension finally culminates in a longed-for kiss. Jackie usurps the trope, however, by stating that while the scene between her and Cole is similar to these scenes in romantic movies, indicating that there is a similar tension at play, the culmination does not ultimately occur. The feeling, however, remains, suggesting that the tension between Cole and Jackie will continue to build before the characters are ready to culminate the obvious tension between them.

“But if you don’t know what’s going to happen […] then you won’t be prepared, and that’s when you make mistakes.”

This assertion is an example of Jackie’s outlook on life and love. Jane believes that having feelings for someone but being unprepared for what to do with those feelings can result in mistakes—echoing her criticism of Romeo and Juliet from the prologue. This quote illustrates Jackie’s aversion to taking risks, especially when it comes to her feelings about Cole: Because she cannot completely control or predict the outcome of her relationship with Cole, she would rather negate the feelings altogether rather than risk a negative outcome. This false belief lays the groundwork for her later epiphany, as she moves toward Personal Growth Through Letting Go of Control.

“You can’t prepare for love. It’s not like taking your driver’s test or the SATs. It’s a gift. One that can happen at any moment.”

Riley uses a metaphor to illustrate the serendipitous nature of love. In contrast to Jackie’s perception of love as something one can prepare for or address with a proper plan, Riley tries to instill in her friend the idea that love is necessarily unpredictable. It is a “gift”—something that may come at an unexpected time or for no reason at all. Riley contrasts this notion with things that one can prepare for, such as a standardized test or a driving exam. There are things one can do to be prepared for certain things in life, but love, she asserts, is not one of them.

“I could hear Riley’s voice in my head: That boy’s gonna eat you alive, and you won’t see it coming.”

The phrase “eat you alive” in this quote is an idiom used to illustrate the strong attraction between Cole and Jackie. Riley’s comment suggests that Jackie’s feelings for Cole and her undeniable attraction to him will consume her, without her even realizing it until it has already occurred. This statement suggests that Jackie’s attraction to Cole is something she does not have complete control over, that her emotions are going to lead her in a particular direction despite where her rational brain may be trying to steer her.

“The tears were for the people I missed. I wanted to hear my sister laugh at this horrible situation, my mom to yell at me for my bad behavior, and my dad to hold me tight as I cried.”

This scene is one of the first times the reader witnesses Jackie letting down the mental wall caging her emotions, allowing herself to experience the depths of her grief. Her desire to be with her family again is so strong that she misses even the negative interactions. This scene speaks to the depths of Jackie’s sorrow, which she rarely allows herself to feel, and contributes to the overall somber mood of the scene.

“For a few hours, I’d forgotten about my family and what Mary had said. That thought alone was terrifying. How could I possibly forget feelings so painful they felt like a permanent scar? […] My family was the force that drove me forward. I needed to direct my attention on grades and my Princeton application.”

After skipping school with Cole to attend the warehouse party, during which Jackie allows herself to reflect on her profound loss and grief, she berates herself to refocus her energy. Jackie feels as if she has committed a profound betrayal against her family in experiencing a few guilt-free hours. She recommits herself to her pursuit of perfection for them, promising never again to forget the pain of losing them. She uses a simile to explain the profound pain of losing her family, comparing the pain to a permanent scar, something embedded within the very fabric of her being that can never be erased.

“In their sleep, both boys kept moving closer to me, and when I finally drifted off, there was one arm wrapped around my stomach and one hand intertwined with mine.”

The unconscious actions of Cole and Alex in their sleep offer important characterization for the boys. Their movement toward Jackie in their sleep reveals the subconscious attraction that both brothers feel toward Jackie, but are unable to act upon during waking hours. This tableau of Jackie caught between the two boys she has feelings for foreshadows the conflict to come: Jackie has a connection with both, illustrated through their physical connection in sleep, but she is unable to decide which direction she ultimately wants to turn in.

“I’d never thought about kissing him before because he’d always seemed like just a friend, but there was a warm feeling in my chest that bloomed, twisting its way down my arms and legs like a vine, indicating otherwise.”

Jackie describes the feelings that emerge within her while kissing Alex. In contrast to the intense, almost visceral, attraction she has to Cole, the metaphor she uses to describe her feelings for Alex is that of slow growth. She compares her feelings for Alex to something botanical: a flower that “blooms” or a vine that “twists” its way throughout her body, something slow but persistent and perhaps more enduring than a firework or bright flame of passion.

“My thoughts were reeling, back to the day of my family’s accident, and now all I could see were their faces blinking by in my vision, Nathan’s included.”

The figurative language in this quote illustrates the lasting effects of trauma on the brain. As soon as Jackie sees Nathan’s limp form in Cole’s arms, her mind immediately brings her back to the scene of her family’s accident. The faces of her lost loved ones “blink” in front of her, disturbing imagery that shapes her reaction to Nathan’s seizure and subsequent loss of consciousness. Her trauma allows her to only see one outcome, in which she yet again loses someone she loves.

“I never felt that whole body-on-fire thing around him, like I did when I was near a certain someone else. […] Alex was caring and dependable. I felt like he was someone I had known for my entire life, like I was home.”

Jackie has already established the importance of home to her: Since losing her family, she struggles to feel like she really belongs anywhere or has a group of people around her that she feels completely safe with. Alex becomes one of these people for her—the safety she feels with Alex translating to this sought-after sense of home and belonging. This quote uses antithesis to describe her contrasting feelings for Cole and Alex. With Cole, Jackie has that consuming feeling of her body being on fire, figurative language that illustrates the passion and intensity she feels for Cole. In contrast, she describes Alex as “dependable,” something that carries far more weight in Jackie’s current reality as she strives for balance and stability in her unstable life post-accident.

“I made a terrifying realization. Tonight, I risked my future just as much as Cole did. Nobody forced me up the trellis. I climbed them on my own. What had gotten into me lately? Never in my life had I been so reckless.”

This is a moment of epiphany for Jackie as she reflects on her actions when under Cole’s influence. While she initially wants to blame Cole for pushing her out of her comfort zone, making her act in ways that are unrecognizable to her, she realizes that she is the one responsible for her own actions. Around Cole, she feels “reckless” and irresponsible, losing sight of her goals and vision for her future. This quote illustrates Jackie taking responsibility for her actions, determining to no longer let Cole exert as much influence over her, and to become more cognizant of and responsible for her decisions.

“It was some type of invisible force, as if he were the sun and I was a tiny planet being reined in by his all-consuming gravity.”

Jackie uses another metaphor to describe the intensity of her attraction to Cole. She describes it as a force as strong as the pull of a planet caught in the orbit of the sun. Once again, she describes the feeling as “all-consuming,” illustrating that Jackie does not feel in control around Cole and that her attraction to him acts as if it has a mind of its own.

“I had been trying to my world into a small, safe box for so long. But life didn’t work like that. It could move in and out of the lines. You couldn’t control everything, because it wasn’t all meant to be perfect. Sometimes things needed to be messy.”

This quote illustrates Jackie’s personal growth throughout the text. She shows self-reflection in her ability to look back on her past outlook, using the metaphor of trying to fit her world into a “small, safe” box as a way to exert control over often uncontrollable circumstances. This quote shows that Jackie has learned how to relinquish some of the control that she held onto so tightly, acknowledging that while the unknown is often scary, life simply cannot be perfect. Through her experiences in the text, particularly in the love triangle with Cole and Alex, Jackie has learned to embrace the fact that life is often messy, paving the way for Personal Growth Through Letting Go of Control.

“As weird as it sounded, he reminded me of a puppy. Puppies were good, right? Everyone liked puppies.”

Jackie compares Alex to a puppy, something sweet and lovable but ultimately something that does not inspire feelings of romance or passion. The rhetorical question “Puppies were good, right?” and the response that everyone likes puppies reads as Jackie trying to convince herself that she has romantic feelings for Alex, when in reality she is realizing that her feelings toward him are not ones she wants to have toward a romantic partner.

“Without his outgoing attitude, which was the glue that got all of the guys and their different personalities to stick together, the house was silent.”

Although Cole’s personality is sometimes arrogant or grating, this quote offers important characterization into the more admirable aspects of Cole’s personality. Jackie uses a metaphor to describe Cole’s role in his family: his outgoing and adaptable personality is the “glue” that helps hold all of his siblings’ disparate personalities together. Without Cole’s ability to bring together everyone’s differences, the boys go to their separate corners, unable to find the common ground that Cole so often shows them.

“I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I won’t notice. But the thing is, I’m always paying attention to you, Jackie. It’s like—you’re gravity and I’m just a little blip on your radar.”

This quote is an example of repetition in the text, a literary device used to alert the reader to something important or to emphasize a particular point. Here, Cole describes his reaction to Jackie as her being “gravity” while he is a “blip on her radar,” a repetition of and callback to Jackie’s earlier quote in which she describes herself being caught in Cole’s gravity. The use of repetition here emphasizes that Cole and Jackie’s feelings for each other mirror one another and are in fact equally intense.

“Alex made living with the Walters so much easier for me—my anchor as I adjusted to the storm. He was my comfort, my first real kiss, but most importantly, he was my friend.”

Although Jackie’s romantic relationship with Alex ultimately ends, she acknowledges the important role he has played in her life and development while in Colorado. She uses a metaphor to describe him as an “anchor” in a storm: a grounding force for her in an otherwise chaotic and troubling time. While their romance was short-lived, this quote suggests that the two will be able to maintain a close friendship, that the love between them was real, just not meant for a fairy tale ending.