My Life with the Walter Boys
62 pages • 2-hour read
Ali NovakMy Life with the Walter Boys
A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Themes
Confronting Grief as a Step Toward Healing
The loss of Jackie’s family in a car accident, which occurs prior to the start of the narrative, shapes her character arc throughout the novel. As she strives to protect herself from her own overwhelming emotions, the novel argues that healing cannot occur, or even begin, without acknowledging grief. Through the events of the text, Jackie learns how to confront her grief so that she might begin the lifelong road of healing.
Jackie struggles to address her grief at the beginning of the text, believing that experiencing her grief makes her weak: “For the first month after the accident, I never left my bed […] Since then, I’d promised myself I would be strong and composed. I didn’t want to go back to the weak, hollow person I’d become” (5). Rather than acknowledging her grief as a crucial step in the healing process, Jackie rejects her grief and forges ahead, throwing herself into her schoolwork and planning for her future.
She uses the metaphor of a wall to describe her efforts to protect herself from strong emotion: “[A]fter my breakdown, I taught myself how to control my feelings. It was vital to my future success because I could never lose myself like that again. So, I built a wall inside my mind to keep back my flood of emotion” (107). Jackie’s judgmental reaction to her own grief inspires her to continue pursuing success at the expense of her mental health and healing.
The way Jackie feels around Cole challenges her assertions about her grieving and healing process. He encourages her to push herself outside of the confines she has placed on her life, showing her that the walls she has built to keep back pain also cut her off from joy. When he encourages her to jump from the hay loft, Jackie at first refuses, but then her guilt spurs her forward: “Why was I still here breathing when my family was gone, their lives cut short? Would they feel as guilty as me, I thought, if it had been the other way around?” (112). Angry at herself, Jackie jumps, a first step into finding the balance between honoring her family’s memory while still pursuing her own path.
Jackie’s relationship with Cole inspires her to take risks, while the choices they make together often result in feelings of deep guilt and resentment toward herself: “[S]omething about skipping school was so fun, so… liberating. For a few hours, I’d forgotten about my family […] That thought alone was terrifying. How could I possibly forget feelings so painful they felt like a permanent scar?” (177). Here, Jackie illustrates that she still does not understand that to “forget” about her family and her grief for a few hours does not mean that she rejects or negates her grief, but rather that she is learning how to live alongside it.
Living with the Walters, with their sometimes-chaotic lifestyle, teaches Jackie to begin to let go of her perceptions of her own grief: “When I first got here, I was so focused on proving I was okay even though my family was gone. I had this messed-up perception in my head that I needed to be perfect, so my mother could be proud of me” (342). Jackie acknowledges now that the pressures she put on herself to be “okay” were actually preventing her from healing. She learns that while she still holds onto the desire for her family to be proud of her, she has let go of the impossible standards that were preventing her from healing.
By returning to New York for the summer at the end of the text, Jackie chooses to confront her grief so that she may begin the true process of healing: “Going back to New York was going to be an agonizing process of putting myself back together, but facing it would make me a stronger person” (351). This quote illustrates the growth Jackie has undergone in her healing journey. She no longer views addressing the messiness of her grief as a weakness, but rather recognizes that confronting it head-on will make her a stronger person. Jackie is better poised now to do the difficult but necessary work of healing.
Romantic Love as a Catalyst for Self-Discovery
An important theme in the text is Romantic Love as a Catalyst for Self-Discovery, illustrated through Jackie’s relationships with Alex and Cole Walter. The text explores the complexities of teenage romance as Jackie finds herself attracted to both boys for different reasons. Throughout the text, Jackie must come to terms with her feelings for each brother and decide what kind of love she is ultimately looking for.
Jackie’s reaction to Cole is an instantaneous blossoming of desire that threatens to knock down the emotional wall she has built around herself in the wake of her family’s deaths: “My skin blazed like a bad sunburn where his eyes touched my body […] Even with my limited knowledge of boys, a twisting in my stomach told me this one in particular was going to be a problem” (16). This visceral reaction to Cole sparks their relationship, in which Cole and Jackie dance around their feelings for one another. Jackie, still healing from the trauma of losing her family, feels unstable around Cole: “I couldn’t fall for him. […] especially not after what had happened to my family. It wouldn’t be right. It was too soon” (82). Jackie worries that if she falls for Cole, it means she will forget her family. As a result, Jackie denies her feelings for Cole and her attraction to him, convincing herself that the intense connection she has with Cole would only derail her carefully crafted vision for her future.
As Jackie attempts to sort out her feelings for Cole, ultimately trying to ignore them, the novel introduces characters into Jackie’s life who try to argue another perspective. Jackie’s new friend Riley alludes to Jackie’s resistance to acting on her feelings for Cole: “You can’t prepare for love. It’s not like taking your driver’s test or the SATs. It’s a gift. One that can happen at any moment” (131). Riley’s perspective, that “Sometimes you have to let your heart take the lead” (131), is an important counterpoint to Jackie’s insistence on order and control. Blindsided by the sudden trauma of her family’s accident, Jackie copes by trying to prepare for every possibility, but Riley points out that the most profound experiences in life, whether painful or joyful, cannot be planned or prepared for. While first love may not necessarily last, Riley argues that love is, nonetheless, a “gift,” and that even mistakes can teach valuable lessons about life.
Jackie, still too fearful to take that chance and act on her feelings for Cole, instead turns to Alex, with whom she already has a close friendship. Early in the novel, she describes Alex as “like the brother I never had” (148), firmly establishing their relationship as platonic or even familial, rather than romantic. As her feelings for Cole become more complex, she finds herself responding to Alex’s romantic advances: “I never felt that whole body-on-fire thing around him, like I did when I was near a certain someone else […] Alex was caring and dependable. I felt like he was someone I had known for my entire life, like I was home” (243). Jackie, in the wake of her familial tragedy, is desperate for some kind of solid footing, chooses Alex because he is safe. This quote illustrates the complexities of love, as different qualities feel appealing to Jackie at different points in her emotional development.
As Jackie becomes more comfortable allowing herself to feel intense emotions, she finds Alex less romantically appealing. A teen undergoing a process of self-discovery, Jackie realizes that she has outgrown her romantic relationship with Alex. She admits to him: “I met Cole and knew he was going to be trouble. He could’ve ruined everything I was working toward, but you were safe. I started dating you so I wouldn’t have to deal with him” (343). As painful as this conversation is, it illustrates Jackie’s growth when it comes to her perspective on love and relationships. She is no longer running away from complicated emotions, even when the conversation is difficult. As a result, she and Alex are able to take a mature path out of their romantic relationship and go back to the core of their connection: friendship. Jackie states of Alex: “He was my comfort, my first real kiss, but most importantly, he was my friend” (342). Jackie learned a lot through her relationship with Alex even though their romance was not meant to last.
Once too afraid to make mistakes, the mistakes Jackie makes in the love triangle teach her something valuable about what she truly wants. At the end of the text, Jackie feels able to take a risk and chooses her connection with Cole. Rather than jumping into a relationship with him, however, she leaves their relationship on an open-ended note. She still has personal growth and inner work to do before she is ready to be with him. My Life With the Walter Boys illustrates how teenage romance can have a profound impact on someone’s life and growth.
Personal Growth Through Letting Go of Control
The text explores the theme of Personal Growth Through Letting Go of Control through Jackie’s development. Through her experiences in the text, Jackie learns to let go of some of her rigid notions about how to live her life, and in doing so how to use the trauma of her past to shape who she becomes without allowing that trauma to define her.
Even before the accident that claims her family, Jackie holds tightly to a sense of control, wanting to feel prepared for anything life throws at her. Her mother would tell her, “[Y]ou can’t control everything. Roadblocks, little unexpected bumps, they’re all part of living” (88). Despite this advice, Jackie feels that her mother expects perfection from her: “I realized if I could be as successful as my dad, my mom would start to love me the way she did Lucy. […] That was the beginning of my obsession with being perfect” (98). Even in her relationships, Jackie seeks to shape her identity with a meticulous sense of control, believing that only perfection will gain her mother’s favor. Due to her mother’s unexpected death, Jackie and her mother never had an opportunity to repair or grow their relationship beyond this limited perception.
After the accident, Jackie’s pursuit of control becomes an obsession, as she believes that she cannot allow grief to derail her plans. Planning her future gives Jackie a sense of control and agency. Having been incapacitated by grief and shock in the immediate aftermath of the accident, she tries to regain control by suppressing her trauma rather than processing it: “[A]fter my breakdown I taught myself how to control my feelings. It was vital to my future success because I could never lose myself like that again. So, I built a wall inside my mind to keep back my flood of emotions” (107). This quote illustrates the anxiety that a lack of control evokes in Jackie, to the point that even her own emotions are frightening to her as they symbolize a lack of control. Jackie fears the unknown because “if you don’t know what’s going to happen […] then you won’t be prepared, and that’s when you make mistakes” (131). Moving in with the Walters challenges Jackie’s perceptions of herself and her carefully controlled way of life, introducing a level of unpredictability and chaos that forces Jackie out of her comfort zone.
Cole is the character who most challenges Jackie’s obsession with safety and control. Her intense attraction to him is destabilizing, and she rails against herself for falling under his sway: “[S]omething about skipping school with Cole had been so fun, so… liberating. For a few hours, I’d forgotten about my family […] That thought alone was terrifying” (177). Rather than viewing her decision to relinquish some of her rigidity and have fun as growth, Jackie views it as a loss of control and a betrayal of her family. Instead of leaning into the spontaneity and joy that Cole brings to her life, Jackie tries to run from these feelings.
For all the energy she puts into controlling her emotions and actions, she finds herself time and again back in Cole’s orbit, and as she retreats from the intensity of her feelings for Cole, she seeks safety with Alex. As the love triangle comes to a head, with mistakes made by all three along the way, Jackie makes an important realization: “I had been trying to fit my world into a small, safe box for so long. But life didn’t work like that. […] You couldn’t control everything, because it wasn’t all meant to be perfect. Sometimes things just needed to be messy” (286). Through her back and forth with Cole, and her relationship with Alex, Jackie exhibits growth when she realizes that she can only control her own actions and responses: “I couldn’t control the fact that Cole and Alex were in my life, making it one confusing mess” (286). She decides to be with Alex as a result, accepting the emotional chaos this may create.
Jackie’s eventual breakup with Alex is another display of growth, as she admits to Alex that in pursuing a relationship with him, she was trying to protect herself from her more intense feelings for his brother:
When I first got here, I was so focused on proving I was okay even though my family was gone. I had this messed-up perception in my head that I needed to be perfect, so my mother could be proud of me […] I started dating you so I wouldn’t have to deal with [Cole]. I don’t know, maybe I’m still confused about my mom (342-43).
This admission is an example of how Jackie’s experiences in Colorado have shaped her personal identity and growth. She can reflect on the reasoning behind her actions, admitting that her attempts to suppress her emotions were a trauma response.
Jackie’s growth through the text is what leads her to be able to do the hard work of returning to New York and facing the traumatic memories she has been trying to keep at bay. This will be “an agonizing process of putting [her]self back together, but facing it would make [her] a stronger person” (351). Jackie is taking the first step to discovering her personal identity now that she allows herself to acknowledge that she does not have to be perfect to be strong. By facing her traumas, she will ultimately become a stronger version of herself.
Unlock every key theme and why it matters
Get in-depth breakdowns of the book’s main ideas and how they connect and evolve.
- Explore how themes develop throughout the text
- Connect themes to characters, events, and symbols
- Support essays and discussions with thematic evidence