Not an Easy Win

“Andrew Jackson was full of white kids who always got their way. At least it seemed like it to me. Sometimes they needed a lesson in how to treat people. Sometimes was today.”

Here, Lawrence further describes the negative atmosphere at Andrew Jackson, a school he sees as “full of white kids who always g[e]t their way.” Again, Lawrence blames the other children in the school for his decision to fight with them after they make fun of his hoodie, believing that a Black student like him could never aspire to college. While he is standing up to his mistreatment and defending himself from their bullying, Lawrence fails to consider other options, such as talking with Ma about changing schools, speaking to a school authority, or simply ignoring the other children.

“There’s something about being constantly reminded that I’m different that makes me extra edgy, like a revved-up engine ready to spin out.”

Lawrence experiences difficulties of being one of the only Black children at his predominantly white school. This simile—which compares Lawrence being on edge about being “different” to an engine that is about to “spin out”—conveys the feeling that Lawrence has being at Andrew Jackson school. He sees few people who look like him and is constantly reminded of it both by the other students’ skin color and their actions. As a result, he struggles to fit in, keep his cool, and refrain from fighting back.

“The roaring howl of a truck engine and the whipping sound that followed made my stomach flop. I knew what it was before it passed me. I kept my hoodie low and looked straight ahead when it drove by. A Confederate flag stood tall from a pole attached to the bed of the truck.”

When Lawrence walks into town on his first day after being expelled, he sees a truck drive past, flying a Confederate flag. Lawrence becomes so scared by the racist display that it makes his “stomach flop.” Giles contrasts Lawrence feeling scared and low in this situation with the flag that “st[ands] tall.” This moment relates to the racism that Lawrence and his family face. Having formerly been in Charlotte—a big city with a large Black population—they are now living in a smaller town and experiencing different forms of racism. This further emphasizes Lawrence’s feelings of not belonging.

“I leaned back in the swing, kicked my legs up, and propelled myself higher into the air. The wind wrapped around me. I kicked again and again, and for a moment I felt like I was flying. Flying over this stupid town—to a place with less meanness, a place where things were good, and the bad things weren’t my fault.”

As Lawrence swings and listens to his father’s music, he imagines that he goes so high on the swing that he escapes the town and all his problems. This feeling is typical of a bildungsroman, as the protagonist battles with society around them and struggles to fit in. Through his journey in the novel, he realizes that he cannot just magically escape his problems and the “meanness” around him; instead, he is learning to handle them, cope as best he can, and do what he can to make his life better.

“Not sure when I’d stopped waiting for someone else to make things all better, but—for real for real—waiting to be rescued would have you waiting a long time.”

Lawrence’s acknowledgment that he has to fix his own life—instead of waiting for others to do it for him—shows his maturity, as he realizes that he holds some responsibility for how his life turns out. However, to this point, he has tried to do so through fighting, arguing with Ma and Granny, and blaming others for his difficulties. As the novel continues, he will learn how to help himself through his growth and maturity.

“On Fridays, we ate spaghetti—which was the best of the weekday meals. And mine was still hot. I dug my fork into a heaping plate of pasta and sauce, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I had done something right.”

Something with which Lawrence largely objects throughout the beginning of the novel—the food that Granny cooks for him—now serves as a form of comfort and enjoyment after his day at the rec center. These thoughts show the beginning of Lawrence’s change, as he holds less bitterness and annoyance for parts of his life as he finally finds enjoyment in his work and peers at the center.

“So really, the queen did the work while the king stayed pretty still—which was weird, but honestly seemed to make a lot of sense. The queens in my life worked hard too. Ma was always tired after her shift at the diner, and Aunt Carmen said her job didn’t pay enough for all the things she had to put up with.”

As Lawrence first begins to learn how to play chess, he compares the game to his own life. He recognizes the importance of the women in his life, respecting all that they do for him, just as he respects the importance of the queen in the game of chess.

“I grabbed my plate of chicken, rice, and lima beans and moved toward Ma’s seat at the two-person table in the kitchen. I waited for Granny to sit before I did. I suddenly felt like I was facing my own kind of chess match.”

The moment when Lawrence first sits in the kitchen to eat with Granny, he is uncomfortable and eats in silence, unsure of what to say. He compares it to a “chess match” as he tries to figure out what Granny is thinking and what “moves” to make. These thoughts show the disconnect between Granny and Lawrence, as the two initially struggle with Empathy and Compassion. Additionally, their seats at the “two-person table” stress how much Lawrence does not belong in this space. As he builds his relationship with Granny, however, he learns how to connect with her and build their relationship. Eventually, he has his own seat at the new four-person table.

“That made me feel worse. She’d had to leave early so many times to come get me from school when she was supposed to be at the diner.”

When Lawrence learns that his Ma was fired from her job for being unreliable, he immediately blames himself, realizing that she often left early because of him. This realization and the guilt that comes with it convey Lawrence’s developing understanding of empathy and compassion. Before, he did not even consider the repercussions that his mother faced when he got into fights. Now, he realizes the impact of his actions on others.

“I hadn’t started this mess with Deuce; he’d come for me. […] I had decided I was going to take my earbuds back from Deuce. It’s one thing to start trouble; it’s a completely separate thing to defend yourself.”

Although Lawrence has begun to change—understanding the impact that his actions have on his mom—this moment conveys that he still has far to go. As he grows angrier about his earbuds, he decides to confront Deuce, convincing himself that he is only “defending” himself and not causing “trouble.” He still fails to realize the impact of his actions, choosing to physically confront Deuce instead of talking to him or Mr. Dennis or moving on.

“On [Deuce’s] way past me, I saw a look in his eyes that I definitely knew—the look of defeat. And for some reason I kinda felt bad for him.”

Although Lawrence is not yet able to articulate how he feels, he begins to feel empathy and compassion for Deuce. Although their point of similarity at this point in the novel is simple—disappointment in defeat—it is enough for Lawrence to make a connection with Deuce. This allows him to begin to understand how Deuce feels, opening the door for their friendship.

“I’d normally have gone to watch cartoons with the kids, but it seemed like Granny had gotten used to me being around. So I decided to stay in the sizzling heat of the kitchen to keep her company.”

These thoughts from Lawrence and his decision to stay in the kitchen with Granny mark a change in his character. Instead of avoiding Granny as he did at the novel’s start, he begins to get comfortable with her; building their relationship becomes a key component in his maturation.

“‘You have a lot of work to do, but I think you have some raw talent.’

‘Me?’

‘Yes, you. I mean, unless you aren’t up for it.’

For some reason it took me a second to really hear what he’d said. Talent. He believed I had talent?”

When Mr. Dennis tells Lawrence that he wants him to try to be the third player in the chess tournament, telling him that he has “talent,” this conveys important elements about both of their characterizations. For Mr. Dennis, it characterizes him as a father figure for Lawrence. He expresses his belief in Lawrence and his chess skills, offering him encouragement and support. For Lawrence, this is something that he needs, as his father is gone, and his mother is largely absent due to her work schedule.

“When the choir sang out, Deuce got his taste. He rocked a little and hummed the words like it was something he’d heard before. The music surrounded us as I let the playlist spin twice, back-to-back. Deuce was feeling it—almost like a freestyle was sitting right on his tongue.”

The moment when Deuce and Lawrence finally connect in the chess room conveys the importance of music in both of their lives. Instead of communicating, they sit together and get lost in the music, finally starting their friendship through the act of listening together.

“I hoped with all my might that things would be normal again, that we’d all cram into the big bed and listen to Pop’s voice and see his smile—but that never happened. That was when I figured out that normal was something made-up, just as fake as Pop’s stories about his and Ma’s wild adventures. Normal wasn’t real.”

Lawrence’s memories of sitting with Ma and Pop and listening to Pop’s stories emphasize the importance of stories in Lawrence’s life. Not only do they give him insight into Pop’s life, but they also indirectly make him realize that people are allowed to write the stories of their own lives. He acknowledges that “normal [i]sn’t real,” realizing that the expectations of society and who people think he is supposed to be—“normal”—aren’t actually what life is like. Instead, he is creating his own life and choosing what story he tells the world about himself.

“The choir slowed down too, almost like they were standing over my shoulder, watching my next play. This move was pivotal. […] I needed to get serious. I pictured my queen marching across the board to the choir’s rhythm. Sharp. Strong. Steady.”

As Lawrence develops his chess ability, he compares it to music, connecting two of the most important things in his life. His ability to use music to help him focus allows him to understand and focus while playing chess, visualizing the moves matching the music’s tempo.

“The music took over, and for a little bit it felt like we weren’t in some small town—we didn’t have to worry about school and being in trouble or our parents being away. We just got sucked into the sound.”

Lawrence and Deuce’s connection through music conveys the theme of empathy and compassion. Although they still struggle to articulate their struggles to each other, the acknowledgment that they both have similar problems—their school, parents, and town—is enough to offer the support to each other that they both need.

“You remember all the times you told me about kids picking on you at school? How you wanted to get away? How it wasn’t your fault? […] That’s what it’s been like for your pop. There’ve been times he did wrong, I’m not denying that—he’s made some mistakes—but other times when he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, other times when the system kept him stuck in a pattern of wrong.”

In one of the only times Ma talks about Pop in the novel, she compares Pop’s situation to the one that Lawrence is in so that Lawrence can better empathize with Pop’s life. Her acknowledgment—that Pop both made some “mistakes” and was treated unfairly by “the system”—conveys the nuances of the theme of blame versus accountability. Ma wants Lawrence to understand how both things can exist at the same time: He and Pop can be partially to blame for their actions and must take accountability while also acknowledging that the situations they are in can be wrong due to systemic racism.

“I submitted my work on time (early for most assignments) and never had to deal with Billy or Mr. Spacey. It was actually better than good, and I kinda wished they had let me do it all along.”

Lawrence’s success in online schooling shows how much his environment and feelings of not belonging impacted his ability to succeed in school. His “wish” that he could have done online schooling all along further develops the conversation he had with Ma about Pop’s mistakes and “the system”: While Lawrence may have made some poor choices in school, his failure and expulsion were also a product of his environment, which failed to affirm and treat him fairly.

“[Deuce] didn’t sound sick, not like with-a-cold sick. And Junior had said he’d be fine. If it had something to do with his mom being gone, maybe he had that same pain in his stomach I had when Pop left. I’d missed a bunch of days from school then. Sometimes it felt like a heavy blanket was weighing me down and I didn’t have enough strength to lift it.”

Although Lawrence and Deuce still do not consider themselves “friends,” Lawrence continues to develop his understanding of empathy and compassion. He thinks about Deuce’s feelings—something he rarely did in the past—and understands how Deuce may be feeling by connecting it to his thoughts of his father. The simile “like a heavy blanket was weighing me down” further highlights his understanding of the emotional weight of Deuce’s situation.

“I liked Deuce—something I hadn’t thought would ever happen. Real did recognize real. Me and Deuce were more the same than different.”

Lawrence’s realization that he “likes” Deuce and that they are very similar conveys his developed sense of Empathy and Compassion. Where before, he disliked Deuce because he bullied people or seemed rude, Lawrence now understands why Deuce acts the way he does, comparing to how much they are “the same.” These thoughts also parallel something that Deuce was told earlier in the text that he did not understand: Mr. Dennis told him that “[he] and Deuce have more in common than” Lawrence knows (89). Without explaining himself, Mr. Dennis allowed Lawrence to figure it out for himself as the boys’ friendship developed.

“I grabbed my bag, added my notebook from Aunt Carmen, and put Pop’s iPod and Twyla’s earbuds in my pocket and headed Mr. Denni’s way.”

These things that Lawrence grabs to go to Charlotte—Aunt Carmen’s notebook, Twyla’s earbuds, and Pop’s iPod—symbolize the support that Lawrence has gained through his friendships and family.

“Just a couple of months ago, I got kicked out of school and was wandering around a town that didn’t want me; now I was here in this fancy place with kids who’d probably been playing chess their whole lives. It almost didn’t even feel real. It reminded me of a scene out of Pop’s stories. […] But since this was really happening, I’d have my own story to tell.”

These thoughts emphasize Lawrence’s growth throughout the novel around chess. As a bildungsroman, the novel explores his feelings of not belonging in society and his growth and maturity as he finds where he fits in. Additionally, they convey the motif of stories in the novel, as Lawrence considers this a piece of the story he is writing about himself to convey to the world.