Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance

Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance (2022) is a bildungsroman, or coming-of-age novel, by American author and creative writing professor Alison Espach. The book was named a Best Book of 2022 by NPR, a USA Today Must-Read, and an Indie Next pick. Espach’s previous novel, The Adults, was a New York Times Editors’ Choice. Set in a Connecticut suburb in the 1990s, Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance is narrated by Sally Holt, who recounts nearly two decades of her life to her deceased older sister, Kathy, exploring the aftermath of the fatal accident that took Kathy’s life and forever intertwined Sally’s with that of her sister’s boyfriend, Billy. Espach frames the entire narrative as a long-form, one-sided account of Sally’s life, with events filtered through her memory and her experience of grief. Thematically, the novel explores The Formative Power of Sibling Bonds, The Intersection of Love, Guilt, and Shared Trauma, and The Subjectivity of Memory in Reconstructing the Past.

This guide is based on the 2023 Holt Paperbacks edition.

Content Warning: The source material and this guide include discussion of child death, suicidal ideation and/or self-harm, mental illness, bullying, substance use, sexual content, and cursing.

Plot Summary

Espach’s narrator and protagonist, Sally, opens the novel by reflecting on her close childhood relationship with her older sister, Kathy. Growing up in Connecticut, the sisters share nightly rituals and secrets. Kathy develops a crush on Billy Barnes, a popular boy in her school, and Sally becomes her confidante, listening to nightly updates about him. When Sally nearly drowns at the town pool, Billy saves her life, which brings him into the family’s orbit. Soon after, he and Kathy begin dating. As Kathy’s social life blossoms in high school, Sally, who is quiet and studious, feels increasingly overshadowed and isolated while navigating the social pressures of middle school.

One night in 1998, Kathy, a high school junior, goes out with Billy after asking Sally to take notes on the State of the Union address for her. The next morning, Sally withholds the notes, forcing Kathy to let her ride to school in Billy’s car. During the drive, Kathy shows Billy something Sally wrote in Kathy’s notebook. Distracted, Billy looks away from the road, swerves to avoid a deer, and crashes into a tree. Kathy is killed instantly. Sally is physically unharmed, but Billy is severely injured. In the aftermath, Sally’s parents, Richard and Susan, are devastated. They argue over whether to sue Billy for reckless driving, with Richard wanting punishment and Susan advocating for forgiveness. Sally is wracked with guilt. Ostracized at school, Billy becomes severely depressed and attempts to die by suicide. After his recovery, the families meet so Billy can formally apologize. The Holts agree not to press charges but demand that Billy and his family have no further contact with them.

Throughout high school, Sally’s life is defined by her grief. She and Billy defy her parents’ wishes and maintain a secret, intense friendship online and over the phone, bonding over their shared trauma and sharing their deepest fears and feelings in late-night conversations. As Billy prepares to attend Villanova University, Sally navigates her own social world, forming a close friendship with her classmate, Valerie. She begins her first serious relationship with Peter, a high-achieving but emotionally conventional classmate—an attempt at normalcy that is ultimately challenged by her unresolved feelings for Billy. Meanwhile, her mother’s mental health deteriorates. Susan becomes dependent on a local psychic named Jan, who claims to be in communication with Kathy’s spirit. Sally’s home life becomes increasingly strained as her father grows more withdrawn and her mother sinks deeper into depression.

On the day of her senior prom, Sally skips school and unexpectedly runs into Billy at the mall. They spend the afternoon together, driving to their childhood vacation spot in Watch Hill, Rhode Island, and talking for hours. Sally misses her prom, and on graduation night, she breaks up with Peter, confessing that she has always been in love with Billy. Over the summer, Sally and Billy’s relationship intensifies, culminating in them having sex for the first time. The next morning, Billy reveals he is entering the seminary to become a friar, believing it is his only path to atonement. He claims he can never be with Sally because he caused her sister’s death.

Years pass, and Sally and Billy lose contact. Sally attends Villanova, where she studies journalism and tries to build a new life. Her mother’s depression worsens, leading her to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), which results in significant memory loss and a permanent change in her personality. After graduating, Sally travels through Europe before moving to New York City. She becomes a freelance writer and gets engaged to a successful lawyer named Ray. Despite her stable life, Sally remains emotionally distant, unable to fully commit to her future or confront her past. She secretly begins seeing a therapist to address her unresolved grief.

The narrative concludes in the present day, 2013. As Hurricane Kathy heads for Connecticut, Sally’s mother calls her home, worried that her father will injure himself trying to cut down the family’s dying maple trees. Sally learns that Billy never became a friar and now runs his family’s business, Bill’s Tree and Garden. She goes to the store and asks for his help. He agrees and comes to the Holt house, where he is cautiously welcomed by Sally’s parents. That evening, Ray arrives unexpectedly and joins the family and Billy for a tense dinner. The unresolved history between Sally and Billy is palpable to Ray, who confronts Sally about her feelings. Later, as the hurricane rages, Billy comes to the house. They meet outside in the eye of the storm, confess their love, and kiss. The novel ends as the storm passes, with Sally reflecting that Kathy’s memory, like the air she breathes, will always be a part of her.