Notes to John

Didion and Dr. MacKinnon continue their conversation about dependency and trust. He reminds Didion not to ask Quintana too many questions, lest she feel Didion is pressuring or accusing her. The conversation shifts to Didion’s and John’s families; they both broke away because their families were controlling. Didion admits she wouldn’t have liked her mother questioning her either. She learned to take risks on her own and eventually overcame her fears—especially as they pertained to making public appearances.

After the session, Didion reflects on this conversation. She realizes that the times she was most anxious during public appearances were when her parents were present.

Didion says she had a good week until trouble arose with Quintana again. She hasn’t been caring for herself. She also told Didion she was tired of lying to everyone and afraid she’d be hospitalized again. Her feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are particularly worrying to Didion. Dr. MacKinnon suggests that Didion and John remind Quintana that they wouldn’t survive if she died. They also discuss Quintana’s drinking habits and the possibility of her returning to the rehab program at Hazelden. They consider the pros and cons of both rehab programs and AA. Didion says she recently started reading the “Big Book” (Bill W.’s text on AA’s 12 Steps).

Didion tells Dr. MacKinnon how depressed she is over her inability to help Quintana. They discuss Quintana’s behavioral patterns and how they impact Didion. They also talk about how Didion could handle dynamics with Quintana better. He encourages her to be supportive but not to make decisions for Quintana, which could cause her patterns to continue. The conversation shifts to what “defines a ‘true alcoholic’” (71).

Didion and Dr. MacKinnon discuss Didion’s relationship with her mother as a child. Didion asserts that she never saw her mother as controlling; she was more likely to take responsibility than her mother, who badgered Didion for being too orderly. Dr. MacKinnon argues that this is a form of control, too. They go on to discuss the line between protection and control in parental relationships. Dr. MacKinnon encourages Didion to have this conversation with Quintana, too.

Didion describes a recent dinner she and John had with Quintana. She’s frustrated that Quintana hasn’t made any strides toward changing her job. They also discuss Rational Recovery versus AA. Didion wonders if the presence of alcohol in their house throughout Quintana’s childhood has impacted her. She also reflects on her upbringing. Both she and her father were shy, but her father would always press her to be more like her outgoing cousins. She wonders if Quintana has felt like this, too, and remembers Quintana getting upset whenever other family members expressed anger.

Didion and Dr. MacKinnon discuss a recent article in the paper on death by suicide. Dr. MacKinnon muses on how Didion’s fears of losing Quintana impact her psychology. Didion shares a few nightmares she had involving Quintana. Dr. MacKinnon suggests that Didion’s depression and guilt are distorting how she sees herself, and thus how she relates to Quintana. Didion admits that she’s always been hesitant about being open with others, which could be a part of this struggle, too.

Didion expresses her worry over Quintana’s recent hostility towards everyone, including Dr. Kass. Dr. MacKinnon suggests she is mad at herself and insists it’s good that she’s been coming to Didion and John for support. During one interaction, Didion tried encouraging Quintana’s photography. Quintana admitted that she knew she was a skilled artist but feared rejection. Dr. MacKinnon reminds Didion to share her artistic insecurities with Quintana and to continue supporting her AA meetings.

John attends therapy with Didion. They discuss Quintana’s fear of disappointing people and their efforts to understand what Quintana wants. Dr. MacKinnon urges them to have this conversation with Quintana more directly.

Didion tells Dr. MacKinnon about her recent anxiety. It has worsened since Quintana was last in the hospital, and she hasn’t been able to overcome it. She is worried about work, too. She and John are doing movies together to make ends meet but she doesn’t feel invested or inspired.

The conversation turns to Quintina’s suicidal ideations. Didion says she and John have told Quintana that they’d be devastated if anything happened to her. Dr. MacKinnon encourages her to have this conversation more explicitly, reminding Quintana that they wouldn’t be okay if she died by suicide.

They go on to discuss the possibility of Quintana returning to Renewal at Hazelden, a rehab program.

Didion has also been thinking about how her relationship with John has impacted Quintana since she was a child. They discuss how her adoption might have influenced her regard for her parents and family.

Didion and Dr. MacKinnon continue their ongoing conversation about trust, control, and dependency, particularly in the context of making Quintana the beneficiary of their trust. Didion reflects on how her relationships with her brother and mother changed when her dad died. She is still surprised at seeing her mom cry in recent years. She and Dr. MacKinnon discuss the importance of crying to letting go.