Notes to John

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussions of substance use, addiction, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, illness, and death.

“The 150 pages seem to have survived only in this one copy, which is now in the Didion/Dunne archive at the New York Public Library. The archive was placed in the library by Didion’s heirs, her late brother’s children. No restrictions were put on access.”

The introduction offers a throughway into Joan Didion’s Notes to John. Written by the editors, the section provides an unemotional context for Didion’s enclosed diary entries, explaining where they originated, where they are now located, and who now has access to them. At the same time, the allusion to their “open access” acts as a quasi-defense against publishing Didion’s private diaries, even though she never planned on publicizing them.

“I realized that I had a very closely calibrated idea of my physical well being, very fearful of losing control, that my personality was organized around a certain level of mobilization or anxiety.”

In her sessions with her psychiatrist Dr. MacKinnon, Didion uses an open and honest tone to describe her mental health history and the recent realizations she’s had regarding her depression and anxiety. The way she discusses her “well-being,” fears, and “personality” sets a tonal precedent for the remainder of the enclosed entries.

“I would wonder what idea she has of how you and her father express your love for her—does she need you to over-protect her? Does she need you to accuse her, scold her? Is that her only idea of being loved?”

Dr. MacKinnon addresses Didion’s concerns about her daughter Quintana using a series of questions. Instead of immediately labeling Didion and Quintana’s mother-daughter relationship as dysfunctional, Dr. MacKinnon poses a series of possible assessments of their dynamic. He encourages Didion to interrogate her own behavior and to draw her own conclusions.