Notes to John

“I realized that I had a very closely calibrated idea of my physical well being, very fearful of losing control, that my personality was organized around a certain level of mobilization or anxiety.”

In her sessions with her psychiatrist Dr. MacKinnon, Didion uses an open and honest tone to describe her mental health history and the recent realizations she’s had regarding her depression and anxiety. The way she discusses her “well-being,” fears, and “personality” sets a tonal precedent for the remainder of the enclosed entries.

“I would wonder what idea she has of how you and her father express your love for her—does she need you to over-protect her? Does she need you to accuse her, scold her? Is that her only idea of being loved?”

Dr. MacKinnon addresses Didion’s concerns about her daughter Quintana using a series of questions. Instead of immediately labeling Didion and Quintana’s mother-daughter relationship as dysfunctional, Dr. MacKinnon poses a series of possible assessments of their dynamic. He encourages Didion to interrogate her own behavior and to draw her own conclusions.

“The problem, I had thought then and still think, was that I was incapable of examining my family—I could have written easily enough about California, but the point here was to look at California mythology as it intersected with my family’s mythology, and I had been finally incapable of doing that.”

Didion’s sessions with Dr. MacKinnon frequently veer into discussions of her writing life and relationship to her work. In this session, Didion alludes to her idea for what would later become Where I Was From, admitting the challenge of realizing this idea because it requires her to delve into her family history. This is just one of Didion’s fears and anxieties that she addresses with Dr. MacKinnon—she is hesitant to examine her “family’s mythology.” Throughout the text, Didion and Dr. MacKinnon’s work to examine this very mythology grants Didion the courage to work on the project. Her writing and mental health are inextricably linked.

“Children who sense that a parent is always worried feel insecure, from a very young age. They have no idea what the parent is worried about, so they anticipate the worst outcome they can imagine. They’re afraid the parent may lose control of the situation, may not be able to take care of them.”

Didion’s ongoing conversations with Dr. MacKinnon center on Navigating Mother-Daughter Relationships. In this particular session, Dr. MacKinnon offers his own understanding of such dynamics—particularly as they relate to a parent’s anxiety and a child’s developing psychology. Dr. MacKinnon employs a more assertive tone in this moment as he draws conclusions about Didion and Quintana’s relationship based on his study and knowledge.

“There is a connection, I said. I felt guilty about not engaging, not being there emotionally. Working was what I did instead of engaging. Working, as you once pointed out, was the way I had found to not be there emotionally.”

Didion openly discusses Writing as a Means of Survival in her ongoing sessions with Dr. MacKinnon. While she asserts that she’s never felt guilty for performing the work itself, she does admit that her work has historically taken her away from Quintana emotionally. This more confessional moment captures the complications and potential benefits of Confronting Mental Health in a Therapeutic Setting. She reaches a conclusion about her writing via talk therapy with Dr. MacKinnon that she may not have reached on her own.

“The conversation has to address these underlying fears she has. If she knew that you felt the same way, and yet you overcame it, it could be very good for her. There’s a lot here she has to understand. She has to understand that artistic achievement involves showing the work, putting yourself on the line.”

Dr. MacKinnon encourages Didion to be more open with Quintana to heal and grow their relationship. Amidst their discussion of artistic failure and success, Dr. MacKinnon suggests that if Didion were to share her writerly insecurities with Quintana, Quintana might be able to put her own insecurities into perspective. The moment captures Dr. MacKinnon’s approach to helping Didion navigate her and Quintana’s mother-daughter dynamic.

“Just give her room. Respect her. Let her see herself as she is. The more she looks at herself through her own eyes, the better she’ll like what she sees. You had to learn to see yourself with your own eyes. […] You learned to like yourself.”

Dr. MacKinnon uses short, assertive sentences to deliver his advice to Didion. Instead of letting Didion come to her own conclusion in this conversation about Navigating Mother-Daughter Relationships, he offers Didion more explicit instructions. He uses the imperative mood, which enacts his role as Didion’s mentor and guide. He highlights parallels between Didion’s and Quintana’s experiences so that Didion can relate to Quintana more easily.

“You make the mistake of thinking this is about Quintana. It’s not. It’s about you. Nothing anyone does or doesn’t do can keep someone from hurting herself if she gets it fixed in her mind to do so. All you can do is save yourself from undue guilt. Satisfy yourself that you did all you could.”

Dr. MacKinnon again uses a declarative, assertive communication style to grant Didion perspective on her relationship with Quintana. Throughout Notes to John, Didion expresses her constant fear that Quintana might choose to die by suicide. Dr. MacKinnon wants Didion to understand that Quintana is an autonomous person. He isn’t trying to make Didion feel powerless but is instead attempting to alleviate her guilt over Quintana’s potential fate. This moment presents an emotional depiction of Confronting Mental Health in a Therapeutic Setting.

“I said possibly, but it was an arcane way of ‘controlling.’ I said that as I became an adolescent, I had in fact thought her distrustful and overcritical—of my friends, of the way I dressed, etc. In fact she was still that way, but I didn’t notice anymore.”

Didion’s therapy sessions with Dr. MacKinnon encourage her to examine her childhood and her relationship with her mother to better understand her psychology in the present. In this moment, Didion is verbally sorting through her and her mom’s dynamic. She holds that while her mother wasn’t controlling of her, she was always “distrustful and overcritical” of her.

“Again I felt stricken, guilty, but this time I was awake. What I felt guilty about was that I had reflexively underestimated Quintana—maybe she knew things I didn’t know she knew, maybe she was grown up. I was unable to shake this feeling—even though, practically speaking, I know for a fact she knows nothing about American foreign policy.”

The dreams that Didion recounts to Dr. MacKinnon offer an intimate window into Didion’s heart and mind. She is not only sharing her private dream life with Dr. MacKinnon, but she is articulating the emotions she experienced as a result. The passage has a vulnerable tone, which captures Didion’s fragile state of mind—particularly regarding Quintana’s well-being and her role in Quintana’s sense of self.

“So I had at this point explained to Quintana that even people who weren’t alcoholics felt that emptiness inside—anyone with the slightest tendency toward depression felt it—I felt it. Working was how I filled the hole. I reminded her that you and I always worked on weekends. […] I had told her that there would come a time—I hoped—when she would find the same solace in work.”

Didion recounts a conversation that she had with Quintana to Dr. MacKinnon to convey her attempts at changing the parameters of her and Quintana’s relationship. Much of the text revolves around Didion’s inability to communicate openly with others. In this moment, however, Didion is exemplifying her newfound desire to share her experiences with her daughter to foster a deeper connection. The passage also relates to the text’s theme of Writing as a Means of Survival—Didion wants Quintana to use her photography to stabilize her mentally in the same way she has used writing to alleviate her anxiety.

“I don’t think it’s odd at all. I think it’s an extremely healthy development. You realize you don’t have control over her life. You’re handing her the responsibility for her own life.”

Throughout Didion and Dr. MacKinnon’s therapy sessions, Dr. MacKinnon is careful to acknowledge the growth Didion has accomplished. He doesn’t let her assessments of her behaviors (or changes in point of view) dictate his professional perspective. Instead, he asserts that her altered regard for Quintana is not “odd at all” but in fact “an extremely healthy development.” The moment shows Dr. MacKinnon’s approach to the therapeutic setting; he doesn’t simply focus on what Didion still has to learn but also makes room to acknowledge what she has learned already.

“I said that it had occurred to me after we talked last week that the question we had gotten into—that of summing up your life, what it’s been worth, what legacy are you leaving—had probably been on my mind all year. That the situation with Quintana had thrown into relief—and compounded—a more general concern about work, meaning, etc. That in fact this very question had precipitated what probably amounted to a late-life crisis.”

Didion’s journal entries incorporate allusions to her internal life outside the context of therapy. In this moment, she is telling Dr. MacKinnon how their sessions have influenced her thinking during the week between their meetings. She does make strides within the context of their conversations, but these conversations also give her things to think about when she’s not with Dr. MacKinnon. In particular, Didion has been reflecting on the origin and evolution of her anxiety, and how this anxiety relates to her sense of self and her writing life.

“It’s a way of bringing up children that can only end in one of two ways, rebellion—that’s the usual way—or overdependence. And when you match an over-dependent grown child against an overprotective parent, you reach a kind of stalemate.”

Dr. MacKinnon’s reflections on the Protestant approach to raising children grant Didion a new perspective on her own experience. In this session, Dr. MacKinnon relates his experience to Didion’s—drawing parallels between their parents’ parenting models. His assessment also speaks to Didion and Quintana’s relationship—the “over-dependent grown child” is an allusion to Quintana and the “overprotective parent” is an allusion to Didion. By putting Didion and Quintana’s relationship into a broader context, Dr. MacKinnon encourages Didion to see their dynamic in a new light.

“It allows her to blame you. And every time you accept responsibility for her, she can blame you further. Whatever happens to her has to be your fault, since you made the decisions, you were supposed to protect her, she’s your responsibility. Little children don’t worry about themselves, because they expect their parents to protect them. Part of growing up is realizing that your parents can’t always protect you. She doesn’t want to cross that bridge.”

Dr. MacKinnon’s thoughts on parent-child dynamics develop the text’s theme of Navigating Mother-Daughter Relationships. Dr. MacKinnon is specifically speaking to Didion’s constant fears about Quintana’s well-being. While he’s not minimizing her anxieties, he is encouraging her to see how these fears might still be contributing to Quintana’s anxiety and augmenting Didion’s depression.

“From everything you’ve told me, that’s what you did. And still do. I’m trying to tell you not to be so hard on yourself. Anything you failed to teach Quintana was something somebody failed to teach you. You’re not all powerful. Neither were your parents. You can’t teach somebody what you don’t know.”

Dr. MacKinnon uses a gentle and gracious tone to usher Didion toward a new way of seeing. He at first acknowledges that Didion might have failed to teach Didion some valuable life skills; however, he doesn’t hold her accountable for this failure. He doesn’t want Didion to carry any more guilt, regret, or shame. He’s careful to remind her of her strengths and the deficiencies in her upbringing.

“I said that I had thought a great deal about the point he brought up last week, which came down to my expecting or wanting Q to be able to do things I couldn’t do myself—to be in effect the me I couldn’t be. This had interested me on a lot of levels.”

Didion’s writing style affects an intimate and vulnerable tone. Didion addresses all of her therapy notes to her husband John Gregory Dunne. She frames her reflections in a way that would make sense to John. A phrase like “I said that I had thought,” captures her work to recount both the subject matter of her and Dr. MacKinnon’s sessions and how these sessions have been impacting her psychology. Her use of shorthand and elision also captures the raw and private nature of the entries. (She refers to Quintana as Q and remarks upon “a lot of levels” of thought, but doesn’t explicitly detail what these levels are.)

“You don’t have to think they’re groundless. You have to ask yourself what purpose they serve. They can’t help Quintana, so are they helping you? On the evidence, all your worries are doing is tying both of you in knots. You can’t do for her what she has to do for herself.”

Dr. MacKinnon helps Didion to confront her anxiety in the therapeutic setting. In this moment, he both validates Didion’s experience, while challenging her to interrogate it. He remarks that her fears aren’t “groundless” because he doesn’t want Didion to discount her thoughts. At the same time, he remarks that her fears are “tying both of you in knots” because he wants Didion to acknowledge the downside of worrying out of habit.

“‘I can see that as thrilling,’ he said. ‘Liberating. I could make a case that you walked in here and sat down and for the first time felt liberated enough to cry, tears of joy. You’d found something you thought could truly engage you, enable you to set your concerns to one side. Which is what you’ve needed to do all year.’”

Dr. MacKinnon challenges Didion’s perspective on herself and her emotions to usher her toward a new state of mind. When she starts crying during one session, he suggests that her tears might be “tears of joy” instead of tears of sorrow or frustration. He also uses other positive language like “thrilling” and “liberating” to encourage Didion to see her emotional expression in a healthier light. He gives Didion the space to emote while refusing to demonize her emotions.

“You were afraid in other words you couldn’t protect her. This is the very heart of your relationship with her. It doesn’t matter which way you put this—you were afraid to go into the kitchen alone or you were afraid to leave her by the glass doors alone—it says the same thing. It says you were afraid you couldn’t protect her.”

In this session, Dr. MacKinnon examines the challenges of Navigating Mother-Daughter Relationships in the context of fear and protection. He is trying to help Didion see that protection and love aren’t always the same thing. He uses her example of watching horror movies with Quintana as a way to examine this notion. In doing so, he keeps his more esoteric discussion grounded in the reality of Didion’s experience.

“That’s possible, but there’s another possibility. That she wants to express her love for you. And that you respond—because you don’t want to be a burden—by telling her in effect that you don’t need her help, you can take care of yourself, you’re perfectly fine. I think this confusion between love and guilt begins in your mind. I think you got it from your parents, who never wanted to be a burden on you.”

Dr. MacKinnon’s reflections on Didion and Quintana’s communication conflicts relate to their ongoing discussion about childhood trauma. Dr. MacKinnon is creating parallels between Didion’s relationship with her parents and how Didion has historically related to her daughter. However, he frames this assessment in repeated “I think” clauses, reminding Didion that this is his opinion and that it’s up to her to decide if his assessment is correct.

“Then I told him about our conversation this morning. I recognized that I was always trying to step in and ‘solve her problem.’ I recognized that I had to stop this, and I was trying to, but sometimes it seemed as if she expected me to solve her problem, wanted me to. As if she had this extreme passivity about her own life.”

Didion’s allusions to a recent interaction with Quintana convey her ongoing struggle to navigate her and Quintana’s relationship in a healthy manner. She admits her tendency to “solve her problem” instead of letting Quintana resolve her own challenges. At the same time, she uses italics throughout, putting stress on “expected,” “wanted,” and “passivity” to enact her frustration and powerlessness in this dynamic.

“I did think you might have developed more self-awareness. But you really don’t see yourself as other people see you, do you? Other people—myself included—see you as extremely caring. On the other hand, if you saw yourself that way, you wouldn’t be here. Which is where we’re trying to get.”

Dr. MacKinnon reveals the way that he sees Didion to help her see herself anew. He is acknowledging that although they’ve been working together for some time, Didion still hasn’t healed her self-regard. By sharing his impressions of Didion with her, he is encouraging Didion to acknowledge and claim her more positive attributes—particularly her innately caring nature. In doing so, she might relieve herself of some guilt regarding her relationship with Quintana.