Once Upon a Tim

The story is set in a comic medieval world where peasants have no opportunities, royals are rarely what they seem, and fairy-tale conventions are ripe for questioning.

Tim, a young peasant, introduces himself by contrasting his life with the glamorous stories usually told about princes and princesses. He lives in a tiny, windowless hut, wears the same hand-me-down outfit, and eats nothing but gruel. Every generation of his family has been peasants, and the social system offers almost no chance for advancement, since royalty is determined solely by birth. There is, however, one extremely dangerous exception: A peasant can try to become a knight.

Tim's chance arrives when Princess Grace, a kind and beautiful princess from the neighboring kingdom, is snatched by a stinx, a creature with two mismatched lion halves, bat wings, and a terrible smell. Grace's parents see a traditional opportunity: A prince rescues the princess and wins her hand in marriage. Prince Ruprecht of Tim's kingdom has a crush on Grace, and his parents, King and Queen Goodheart, want the match because Grace is wealthy. The Goodhearts squandered their fortune on a goose that was supposed to lay golden eggs but turned out ordinary, then traded it for "magic beans" that a mouse promptly ate. However, Ruprecht is a coward whose reputation for bravery is entirely fabricated, and the kingdom has no knights left, since they all quit after learning the royals were broke. Nerlim, Ruprecht's sinister adviser, devises a plan to recruit gullible peasants for the quest and dispose of them afterward.

Tim is chopping wood with his best friend, Belinda, when the town crier delivers the news. Tim sees his one chance to escape peasantry. Belinda wants to come too, but girls are forbidden from becoming knights. An iconoclast who resists the restrictive roles imposed on women, Belinda argues that her options, housewife or witch, are even worse than Tim's. She convinces Tim to help disguise her as a boy called "Bull," Tim's supposed cousin from a distant kingdom. At the castle, Tim and Belinda are the only real volunteers; Ferkle, the village idiot, has wandered in by accident. Nerlim administers a loyalty test with no combat skills required, and all three are accepted.

Tim's parents, content with peasant life, try to talk him out of going but reluctantly give their blessing. Belinda lies to her parents, telling them she is leaving for witch school. Before departing, Tim says goodbye to Rover, his pet fr-dog, a dog partially transformed into a frog by a neighbor witch, leaving him as a large frog that behaves like a dog.

Nerlim outfits the group with weapons, armor, and horses from the castle. The whole town cheers as Ruprecht leads them out, but his cheerful manner vanishes once they leave the village. He whines and asks Nerlim to teleport them with magic; Nerlim evasively refuses, raising suspicions about his powers. Their route passes through the Forest of Doom, the River of Doom, the Chasm of Doom, and the Mountains of Doom.

Almost immediately, a creature that appeared to be a distant butterfly reveals itself as an enormous Butterfly of Doom. It grabs Ferkle, and Tim and Belinda are overpowered trying to fight it. Rover, who has secretly followed Tim, appears and swallows the butterfly whole. Throughout the Forest of Doom, Rover devours every giant hostile insect that attacks, protecting the group.

The River of Doom appears deceptively calm, with a large raft at the bank. Nerlim warns the scene is suspicious, but Ruprecht leads everyone aboard. Tim soon notices the raft's surface is scales, not bark: They are riding on a sea serpent. Ruprecht stabs it, and the creature bucks violently, hurling everyone into rapids and over a waterfall. Tim shouts for everyone to shed their armor. Belinda and Nerlim comply, but Ruprecht stubbornly refuses and begins to drown. Tim and Belinda dive down and pry off his armor, saving his life.

On shore, the horses reveal they can talk and angrily quit the quest. Ruprecht blames Tim and Belinda for the disaster, but Belinda reminds him they saved his life. Nerlim convinces Ruprecht to offer an insincere apology so the group will continue. That night, Belinda presses Nerlim about why he did not use magic. Nerlim confesses his abilities are limited to card tricks and juggling; he faked his way into the position to escape peasant life. He also reveals he knows Belinda is a girl, having overheard them in town, but supports her right to be a knight. The three strike a deal: Tim and Belinda will keep Nerlim's secret, and Nerlim will keep Belinda's.

The next morning, two trolls trap the group on a bridge over the Chasm of Doom. They have no weapons or armor. Tim claims Rover is their lead knight, whom Nerlim transformed into a frog as punishment, and offers to let Nerlim demonstrate on a troll next. Each troll volunteers the other for transformation, sparking a furious fight that allows the group to race across the bridge while the trolls knock each other into the chasm.

Following the stinx's terrible smell up the mountain, the group arrives at the creature's cave. Ruprecht rushes to a figure and sweeps it into his arms, only for its pumpkin head to fall off: It is a doll dressed in Grace's clothes. Princess Grace steps out of the shadows, perfectly safe. She explains that the stinx is a baby she has named Fluffy that only wanted her dress for its doll. Grace stayed voluntarily because she believed a princess was supposed to wait for a prince to rescue her. Belinda challenges this assumption, arguing that women can rescue themselves and that love should be based on knowing someone as a person. Grace finds these ideas persuasive.

Ruprecht regains consciousness and insists Grace must fall in love with him because he "rescued" her. When Tim and Belinda protest, Ruprecht reveals the plan was always to use gullible peasants and kill them afterward. Nerlim points a knife at Belinda. Grace strikes Ruprecht with a bone, knocking him out, then does the same to Nerlim. She declares she will never marry Ruprecht and credits Belinda for inspiring her to stand up for herself.

With the dangerous return route ahead and Ruprecht and Nerlim unconscious, Ferkle suddenly speaks in an educated, articulate manner. He is actually intelligent but was expected to follow his family's hereditary profession as village idiot. He proposes that the baby stinx fly them home, just as it originally carried Grace to the lair. Grace offers the stinx her dress for its doll, and Ferkle offers the unconscious Ruprecht and Nerlim as new playthings. The stinx agrees, and the group flies home on its back.

Grace offers Tim and Belinda positions as her personal knights, and both eagerly accept. Ferkle returns to his role as village idiot, considering it less dangerous than knighthood. Tim reflects on the lessons of his quest: Princes are not always brave, some wizards have no real magic, fearsome beasts can be gentle, princesses do not need rescuing, and the village idiot is not necessarily stupid. He resolves to question what people tell him rather than blindly believe it. In his world, no one truly lives happily ever after; the best anyone can hope for is being happy for the time being, and Tim expects many more adventures ahead.