Out of the Woods

As she and Sarah walk together, Helen asks about Marcie’s illness. She is sympathetic when Sarah explains that her mother had ALS. Helen asks Sarah to describe Caleb to her as if he were a protagonist in her novel. Sarah protests that she has no literary talent, but Helen urges her to try. Sarah begins to see her life in a series of memories and images ranging from her first kiss with Caleb to more recent events.

Sarah goes on to explain that Caleb is kind, loving, and supportive of everyone in his life. She noticed his confidence and sense of self immediately, recalling that she threw a paper airplane at him to give him her phone number that same day. Later, Caleb left her a paper plane to ask her on a date. 

Helen asks, gently but pointedly, why she is on the retreat if she is happy with Caleb. Sarah explains that she often wishes they had met later in life and been able to marry at a more conventional stage. When prompted, she admits that surviving Marcie’s death on her own would have been unimaginable, and Helen assures her that having mixed feelings about her trajectory is unsurprising. Sarah is somewhat reassured, and Helen surprises her by pointing out that even people with conventional accomplishments can be unhappy if they doubt their abilities and value. Helen tells her that the past cannot be changed and gives her and Caleb a joint assignment to write about their future goals.

Sarah rejoins the others, learning about their relationships and histories. She begins to worry about what Caleb has said about her in his group. As it begins to pour down rain, she is overcome with dread.

In the past, the same night after she meets with Cecilia, Sarah is drunk and hears Caleb on the phone with her mother. He tells Marcie that Sarah is upset, will not explain why, and has been asking for her. Sarah is furious with him for calling Marcie. Caleb is frustrated she has not told him what happened at the meeting. June comes to take Sarah home, and she gets into Marcie’s bed.

Sarah breaks down, explaining Cecilia’s harsh criticisms. She begins to apologize in a flood of tears. She feels as though she has hurt Marcie, “failing her when she needed me to succeed the most” (138).

In the present, Sarah sits on the damp ground with Caleb, eating a makeshift stew. Caleb notices her anxiety, but she does not voice any of her fears. She tells herself that Caleb deserves the same space to talk that she had. After a flirtatious moment, Sarah turns serious and asks what Caleb discussed with the others.

Caleb hesitates to answer, putting Sarah on the defensive. Caleb points out, “I’m sure it wasn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows over in your group either” (143). Sarah feels angry, remembering his silence at the fundraiser. Sarah explains that she feels like a failure compared to Nina’s ambitions and Henry and Kieran’s business acumen. Caleb assures her that everyone has doubts and anxieties. Sarah points out that he seems not to, but Caleb demurs. Sarah pushes him to confide in her.

Caleb then gives a long, impassioned speech, explaining that he feels like Sarah’s recent epiphanies have been “one shitty revelation after another” (146), while he thought that their marriage was the only constant in his life. Caleb admits that he resents being far from home and apparently in a marital crisis, since he has been content with their life until now. Sarah is horrified when she realizes Caleb is far less interested in taking their lives in a new direction. Exasperated, Caleb declares, “I’m not enough for you. Clearly nothing ever will be” (147). Caleb leaves for the tent.

Sarah apologizes to the group, but they assure her that tension is part of the retreat process. Sarah notices Yvonne watching her sympathetically. Sarah is worried her marriage is irreparably damaged. She and Nina walk to find sticks for marshmallow roasting, and Nina assures her that she and Caleb are clearly meant for one another. She offers Sarah marijuana and suggests they smoke together.

The next morning, Sarah wakes after a restless night in the tent. Yvonne catches her by surprise and asks her to take a walk later. Sarah anxiously agrees, but Kieran assures her that Yvonne will take everyone aside eventually. Caleb does not speak much, spiking Sarah’s fears.

After breakfast, the group begins an exercise at Helen’s direction, moving into an open field. They are instructed to form a circle, link hands, and then extract themselves without letting go of one another. Caleb comes up with a solution and quickly describes who needs to crouch, who can lift their arms up to let others through, and who can move in what direction. Sarah is slightly agitated when Caleb’s hypothesis proves correct. Her fury only intensifies when Caleb solves the remaining exercises just as rapidly.

Nina is amused, telling Sarah later that Helen has exposed the group’s weaknesses, especially that Caleb dislikes feeling undervalued and Sarah struggles with any correction from others. Sarah’s thoughts are interrupted when Helen tells her Yvonne is ready for their walk.

On her walk with Yvonne, Sarah nervously breaks the silence by complimenting Libby. Yvonne surprises Sarah when she explains Libby appreciates Sarah as well. They sit on a large rock and chat. Yvonne confesses that she continues to drink an herbal tea she hates because Helen cares enough to make it for her daily.

Sarah takes in the green landscape below them, explaining she has always loved to feel above the world, as it bolsters her confidence. Yvonne asks if it is helping now, and Sarah explains that her current struggle is more of “your average existential crisis” (164). Sarah explains that she often feels adrift and purposeless, like she has accomplished little with her life. Yvonne asks what she once imagined for her adulthood, and Sarah confesses to her dreams of a literary career. Yvonne asks about her childhood dreams, and Sarah explains that those goals were simpler: to be near Win and have a contented life like Marcie’s. Yvonne gently points out that Sarah’s perfectionism likely comes from her past trauma—she had to assume adult responsibility when Marcie became ill and still places demands on herself.

Yvonne suggests that Sarah can be happy with whatever life she chooses, but Sarah insists mediocrity is unacceptable. She asks herself, “[W]hat was the point of all of Mom’s sacrifices if the only piece of her left in this world fails to leave a mark?” (167). Her responsibility feels especially acute since she and Caleb do not want to be parents. As they discuss Sarah’s relationship, Yvonne comments that it is important to avoid stasis, where one partner is always in the caretaker role. Sarah agrees that she wants that balance. Yvonne gently says that this is proof of Sarah’s strength and capacity to heal.

When Sarah protests that Caleb rejects the very idea of restructuring their dynamic, Yvonne points out that he may simply be anxious about what his value is in a shifting relationship. Sarah assures Yvonne that she and Caleb have always agreed they will not have children, assuaging her fears this is part of their conflict. They prepare for a meditation exercise.

Sarah returns to her tent, touched to see that Caleb has left her flowers, tidied her clothes, and set her e-reader nearby. Sarah decides to reciprocate and picks flowers for Caleb. She tears papers out of her journal and writes notes to him, making paper airplanes. Each contains an admission: “I am grateful for you, I promise. [and] I want us to grow together.” (173). Sarah finishes her list, leaves the planes for Caleb, and takes a nap.

Caleb gently wakes Sarah, and they thank one another for their gifts. Caleb apologizes for his outburst. Sarah admits that eventually, she came to see it as a positive because he trusted her to handle his negative feelings. Caleb adds that he has always admired her strengths but is also acutely aware of her history of loss and vulnerability and hesitates to add to it. He admits that he struggles to know how much to ask of her as a partner given these issues.

Caleb also apologizes for his behavior at the fundraiser, and Sarah admits she understands that he was falling back into the habit of protecting her from pain. When Caleb admits he is afraid for their future, Sarah says, “[I]f you give me space to grow, I’ll plant myself next to you. Always” (177). In response, Caleb reads Sarah his journal, where he tells her he will face a future without her if it is truly what she needs, but that he will always love her. Sarah is overcome, weeping and promising him that she still wants a shared future.

When they are both calmer, Sarah reminds Caleb they have a journaling exercise to do about where they see themselves in 10 years. He suggests they do the writing outside and bring their swimsuits. He leaves to change and teasingly reminds her of the abstinence rule. Sarah feels newly optimistic.