Pack Up the Moon

The chapter opens with Josh questioning whether he sought enough opinions beyond Lauren’s doctor at Rhode Island Hospital, Dr. Bennett, and whether he should have placed Lauren in a new clinical trial for IPF at Yale. 

Joshua calls AppleCare to fix his computer and lies to Rory, the tech, saying that he lives in Kauai, Hawaii. He shares facts about Hawaii with Rory while, in his mind, he remembers conversations he and Lauren had about raising a family in Hawaii one day. He can smell the scent, visualize their clothing and appearances, and imagine Lauren working when Rory interrupts, asking more questions about Hawaii. Rory shares that he lives in Montana and loves Yellowstone—another place Josh and Lauren had planned to visit. Josh says he may visit with his wife this summer and imagines their trip. Silence stretches until Rory fixes the computer, and then Josh rates Rory highly on a survey for his services. 

The chapter begins with a description of the world stopping when someone dies and the tendency of survivors to commiserate together; eventually, clocks resume and people return to their lives. Josh experiences this entire cycle; his first day without anyone checking in on him after Lauren passes is two months and one week after her death. He thinks it’s “obscene”: “a fucking text, maybe, Mom? No. Nothing” (103). Josh’s rage incites a red-out, and he has a flashback to his first one at six years old when he retaliated against a kid, Sam, who threw a girl named Caitlin’s glasses across the school cafeteria. He then recalls a red-out at age 10 over his mother’s allergic reaction. At the time, he was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome (now known as level 1 autism) and given a strategy to handle his responses to emotional situations: reciting “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”

Josh hits a punching bag to relieve his stress, but he only grows more furious. He punches the bag until his knuckles bleed and curses Lauren’s fate. He returns to his apartment, dismissing Charlotte’s flirtation on the way, showers, and then goes to bed. Despite wishing for sleep and dreams of Lauren, he lies awake, checking the clock often. Time drags as he gets up, drinks coffee, checks an online grief forum, and then decides to take Pebbles on a run in the rain. 

After showering, Josh’s attempt to rest results in visions of Lauren’s last hours. When he notices Pebbles limping, he takes her to the vet. In the waiting room, Josh talks with a tearful woman whose dog, Duffy, is 16. When the vet examines Pebbles and delivers a healthy verdict, Josh realizes that Pebbles will one day die, too. He returns home and has a dreamless sleep. 

Sarah’s voice at the door wakes Josh; she arrives with two letters. They hug before Sarah departs, and Josh notices that she smells nice and is attractive. Josh reads the letter on the roof in the company of Pebbles and a seagull. In the first letter, titled May 1—the anniversary of the day Josh proposed—Lauren writes about the onlookers who witnessed Josh’s proposal under the trees and how Josh surprised her with a celebratory dinner with family. Lauren wants Josh to remember how happy she was on that perfect day. After reading, he reflects on their happy marriage and proposal. 

Lauren’s month-three letter opens the chapter, which takes Josh on a journey to find new clothes and a new friend in the process. In her letter, Lauren thanks Josh for renting the Cape house and talks about Josh’s mom, who cooks dinner for them while she writes. Lauren also tells Josh about her dreams of her father and a recent one about meeting Josh’s father. She then tells Josh to buy some new clothes by himself and give his mom a hug for her. 

Josh realizes Lauren’s selflessness and awareness of her approaching death and wonders if he has reached acceptance because he believes he won’t find another love like theirs. He then goes to the mall and meets a man named Radley Beauchamp, a retail employee who helps him select a new wardrobe. Seeing himself transformed in the changing room’s mirror causes Josh to groan, cry, and feel pain because he has no time with Lauren left. Josh shares his wife’s death with Radley, who consoles him and closes the store. Josh buys everything Radley selected for him, and then the pair walk through the mall to leave. 

At a restaurant on the way out of the mall, Josh feels a red-out coming after a customer bullies a waitress who dropped a tray of food and drinks. After the same customer calls Radley an anti-gay slur, Josh punches the man. The waitress thanks Josh, and he remembers it’s the same woman from the vet. 

Josh and Radley then go to a gay bar called the Falconry and chat about Lauren and her letters. Radley talks about his childhood in rural Maine, his family, and his ongoing coursework to become a licensed therapist.

In a letter to her father, Lauren reaches acceptance about her IPF diagnosis and calls her life “normal” now (138). She tells him that her best days are the regular days when the sun shines, when she can smell donuts and see family, and when her boss compliments her at work. She closes by saying she is happy and he should not worry about her. 

Lauren gets Pebbles, who needs some training. Lauren feels tired but doesn’t reveal the extent to Josh. After a foot rub with some joking banter, Lauren asks Josh about his father “gracelessly” (141). Josh talks about Ben, his neighbor and stand-in father, but Lauren presses Josh about his biological father. Josh tells Lauren not to “do anything…reach out to him or anything…this isn’t a sappy television show” (142). 

When Sarah arrives, Lauren thinks that one day, Josh and Sarah will be better friends than they are now. Lauren reflects on how she and Sarah planned to attend colleges on the Hill, but Sarah went to the University of Rhode Island on scholarship when Lauren got into RISD (Rhode Island School of Design). She thinks about the myriad differences Sarah and her have, like opposites in fathers and siblings. Lauren knows Sarah is jealous of her but doesn’t know how to combat it, so she chooses not to address it, despite the jealousy intensifying when Lauren began dating Josh. Now, however, Lauren knows Sarah has been her best friend by coming over twice weekly to see Lauren since her diagnosis.

Lauren writes that everyone’s path through grief is different in her letter to Josh. She suggests Josh get a hobby to consume some free time, distract him from grief, and maybe give him new friends. Josh turns to Google’s suggestions. After rejecting them all, he calls Sarah, who suggests he accompany her to karate. Sarah’s sensei, Jane, convinces Josh to do a demonstration before class, at the end of which Josh accidentally punches the sensei in the face. The sensei instructs Josh to join the class of children, whom Josh admires for their untrusting outlook and protectiveness over the sensei. Afterward, Sarah buys Josh sushi and Josh thinks Lauren would be proud of him.

Lauren would have turned 29 today. Josh enters the closet and surveys her clothes, and then he wishes she had a grave where he could leave flowers. Donna comforts Josh, and Josh gives Donna earrings he had purchased for Lauren. Josh asks Donna about her dating life, and she tells Josh that she’s dating a man named Bill who lost his son.

Lauren writes to her father about the confusion she experiences at times, likening her IPF diagnosis to the moments when she wonders why she hasn’t seen her dad in a while. She laments that she’ll never be able to have children and then talks about swimming, snorkeling, and hang gliding on her and Josh’s recent trip to San Diego, California. The trip made Lauren feel calm and happy. 

Lauren explains that she got Pebbles to prevent Josh from being lonely after she dies, and Josh angrily yells—a first in their relationship. Lauren calls Jen, who sympathizes with Josh’s anger and attributes it to Lauren’s illness. Lauren contemplates divorce as a solution to the emotional pain that will arise in the coming months. 

Josh apologizes that night, explaining that jokes about her life hurt him, but Lauren wants to be able to joke through adversity rather than being like her mother. They talk about what lies ahead, and Josh sobs, begging Lauren not to leave him. She knows she is guarded and promises to not joke about her life in the future. Lauren also suggests Josh should start using a punching bag. 

The new realities of her diagnosis set in, causing Lauren a “panoply of emotion” (170). Lauren learns how to make energy plans for her day and rests often. Bruce buys a bed for Lauren to rest on while at work, and Lori Cantore writes a complaint about it. Bruce shreds the complaint as Lori watches. 

Lauren continues to see friends and family regularly, and her medical appointments become routine. She shares over dinner one night that she’s been thinking about the Great Beyond, which she believes is an “amalgamation of everything you’ve ever loved and wanted to do” (172). Lauren thinks about how she has become “inspiration porn,” garnering praise for ordinary things like food photos. She wants to focus on living rather than her illness and dying but opens a Twitter account to joke about her awkward encounters with others.