50 pages • 1-hour read
Promise Me Sunshine
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Themes
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of illness, death, mental illness, suicidal ideation, and substance use.
Learning to Live With Grief
At the beginning of the novel, Lenny believes that her grief for Lou is insurmountable and that she will never live again after the loss of her best friend. In the first chapter, she laments how “the thing about losing the person you love the most on earth is—somehow—you still have to do mundane things like tie your shoes and make enough money to continue to exist in this punishing world” (11), showing how her grief has consumed her entire life yet she must keep on living it. At one point in the story, the narrative implies that Lenny experiences suicidal ideation, and she considers suicide after she sees the painting that reminds her of Lou at the Met. However, what Miles tries to teach Lenny is not how to overcome her grief but how to live with it while remaining hopeful and open to joy. He continually tells Lenny that things will eventually become easier for her, often saying things along the lines of “Believe it or not, it gets easier to talk about after a while. A long while. But I’ve been there, Lenny. Right where you are. Where you lose control of your life and nothing makes sense anymore. When you can’t remember how basic things function” (57).
In several instances in the novel, Miles tells Lenny “the only way out is through” (106), but even more importantly, he shows her by example. Lenny uses Miles as a blueprint for her grief, seeing how he has come to live with the horrible feeling and not let it control his life. This is especially apparent when the two travel upstate and Lenny sees the life that Miles lived during the most difficult moments of his grief. She feels hope when she sees Miles gently acknowledge how his mother occupied space in their house and how he is able to go through her belongings without breaking down entirely. However, she also sees that Miles is still processing his grief: For instance, he hasn’t touched his cousin Anders’s room since his death, one that was all the more painful to Miles because of his young age. Though Lenny sees how Miles still struggles, she also sees how much he has overcome and how his grief has adapted as his life progresses.
By the end of the novel, Lenny starts to see how she is adjusting to grief in her own life. Throughout the novel, Lenny tries to overcome her grief by following the “Live Again” list, yet she doesn’t feel a sense of accomplishment once it is finished. However, when Lenny discovers Lou’s last item on the checklist—“Get over it already, loser”—she tells Miles, “She knew that there isn’t actually a checklist for learning to live again. She knew that some days you do it and some days you don’t” (300). This quote summarizes what Lenny takes away from Miles’s help with her grief. Through seeing the ways that she, Miles, and others have changed while grieving, Lenny recognizes that grief will change over time, but it will always be with her.
The Importance of Seeking and Accepting Help
Lenny’s character arc in Promise Me Sunshine centers on letting go of her need to carry the burden of grief alone. In the first months after Lou’s death, Lenny turned away from everyone in her life, believing that the only way to handle her grief was on her own. Though others grieved for Lou as well, Lenny felt like her grief was unique because of their longstanding and close relationship, especially because she was Lou’s caretaker toward the end of her life. After pushing others away and getting used to being the one helping Lou, Lenny finds it hard to accept the help that Miles offers her. She believes that she will scare Miles away with the strength of her grief, not yet comprehending that Miles has gone through the same trauma and has since learned the importance of leaning on others. Asking Lenny to accept his help, Miles says, “I can carry someone on my back if I have to. […] If we do this, I will not let you drown” (53). He presents himself as someone uniquely positioned to help Lenny because he has experienced profound grief himself, and he argues that everyone facing such loss needs support.
Having learned this lesson himself in the recent past, Miles is able to confidently ask Lenny for help with his relationship with Ainsley and Reese, yet Lenny is still confused as to how he can help her until they begin to check off items on her Live Again list. However, as soon as Lenny accepts Miles’s offer of help, small things start to get better for her. He takes many of the basic chores of taking care of herself off her plate by giving her a safe place to stay and feeding her when she can’t do so herself. Most importantly, Lenny quickly finds that having someone to call and talk to about her grief with helps her when she feels alone. Miles does not try to take on the burden of Lenny’s grief for her—only she can grieve her friend—but he does support her with his presence, taking on practical tasks to give her the space to process her emotions.
Once Lenny allows herself to accept Miles’s help, she begins to recognize that Reese is still struggling to grieve the loss of her father and her family on her own. Miles’s statement about Reese—“Some people just…go inward and bear it all alone” (97)—could just as easily have applied to Lenny as the novel began. Lenny tries to offer Reese help, which she has an easier time accepting when it isn’t coming from Miles. Throughout the novel, Lenny continues to see how both offering and seeking help from others can help her manage her grief. Following Miles’s example, Lenny offers to let her friend Jeffy talk to her about his problems, and both feel better when she is able to help. Toward the end of the novel, she enlists the help of her parents and her new friends whenever she needs help. In a move that surprises both her and Miles, she mentions that she should get her parents and her new friend Jericho to help her finally move out of her and Lou’s old apartment. By the final chapter, Lenny has gotten used to leaning on others because she knows how much it can help her. She doesn’t give a second thought to asking Miles to accompany her to the Met to face her fear of seeing the painting that reminded her of Lou, and his presence in that moment helps her ultimately recognize that Lou will always be with her.
Caring for Oneself to Care for Others
When Miles initially approaches Lenny about helping her with her grief, he wants to help Lenny, but he primarily wants to ensure Ainsley’s safety. Miles fears that Lenny’s state of mind will get in the way of her taking care of his niece, as he knows from experience that one has to be able to take care of oneself in order to take care of others. This is a lesson that Miles, Lenny, and others will continue to learn throughout the novel. Just as Lenny cares for seven-year-old Ainsley, she and Miles care for each other.
After caring for Lou throughout her illnesses, Lenny cannot muster the will to care for herself. To her, every act of self-care feels trivial, selfish, and even like a betrayal of her friend. Miles convinces Lenny to take care of herself by framing it is as a necessary step in caring for others. By reminding Lenny that she must care for herself in order to effectively take care of Ainsley, Miles shows Lenny that her life will have to continue on without Lou. As with Lenny, Miles fears that the same is true for Reese, who is still grieving the loss of her father. Reese believes that Miles thinks she is a bad parent, but Lenny knows that Miles is just worried about her. Lenny sees the truth of this when Reese comes home drunk or snaps at Miles for hovering, but Reese ultimately learns that she needs to take time off from worrying and focus on herself in order to have a better relationship with Ainsley.
Ironically, after taking care of Lou for so long, Lenny doesn’t notice how much her absence affects others, like her parents, who worry about her incessantly when she won’t respond to them. Similarly, Lenny begins to see how her inability to take care of herself is getting in the way of her relationship with Miles. When she recognizes that Miles is waiting for her to be able to stand on her own in their relationship before they can begin in earnest, Lenny starts making more of an effort to take care of herself and learn to live with her grief. This is something that Miles also must realize in order to improve his relationship with Ainsley and Reese. When Miles tells Lenny that he has thought about starting a business in the city but doesn’t want it to take away from his time with Ainsley and Reese, Lenny notices a major flaw in his logic. When Miles tells Lenny, “[T]he main thing I’ve got going for me is that I’m just reliably always around” (259), she responds, “Miles, the main thing you’ve got going for you is that you’re you. I mean, sure, a lot of being Old Trusty is being there. But that doesn’t mean just being there aimlessly. It means being there when it really matters” (259). She tells Miles, “[Y]ou need a job for you. Part of taking care of the people you love is taking care of yourself, right?” (260). As she offers this advice, Lenny notices that it applies to her own life as well. Ultimately, Lenny and Miles learn that they must take care of themselves first if they want to help anyone else in their lives.
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