PS: I Hate You

“I need my brother. I hate my brother. The words of his letter cycle through my mind as I desperately search for another meaning. How could this be his final ask? Didn’t he realize losing him would be hard enough? Now he’s demanding I spend however long touring the country with the man I most want to avoid? And Josh doesn’t even have the decency to be here to argue with!”

This passage reflects the theme of Working Through the Complexities of Grief as Maddie grapples with both missing and hating her brother. Her internal conflict captures how loss brings about complicated feelings, especially when the deceased leaves unresolved tasks. Josh’s final request forces Maddie to confront not only his death but also her unresolved history with Dom, intensifying her mourning with layers of discomfort and reluctant obligation.

“Which means that Josh knew before he died and made no mention of it to me. Why wouldn’t he say anything? Am I truly this cut off from what’s going on with the people from my childhood? Isn’t this what I wanted?”

As soon as she was able to, Maddie fled to the opposite coast of the US to get away from the people she once knew. However, she’s beginning to realize after Josh’s death that she perhaps did too good a job at isolating herself from everyone, making herself incredibly lonely. Her isolation highlights how Maddie struggles to be vulnerable, instead preferring to protect herself with distance, developing the theme of The Risks and Rewards of Vulnerability.

“Sometimes something big happens. And it makes you look at your life. And you realize you’ve been living it wrong […] That you let something go on longer than it should have.”

This quote from Dom speaks to The Importance of Seizing the Moment and reevaluating one’s life in the face of loss or major change. His words suggest a personal reckoning, prompted by Josh’s illness, which led him to reassess his long-standing relationship. Dom’s vague language obscures the fact that he is talking about his decision to leave his relationship with Maddie behind all those years ago.

“I expect him to push the one I’d foisted on him aside and request a water. That’s what a responsible person would do, knowing after this we need to drive however many hours back to Pennsylvania. Instead, Dom scoops up the IPA I barely touched and takes a swig. An evil urge has me raising my hand for the bartender to return. Looks like I’m getting drunk with Dominic Perry.”

This moment illustrates a subtle shift in Dom’s character and his dynamic with Maddie. Known for being responsible and reserved, Dom’s decision to drink signals a willingness to relax his control and meet Maddie in her emotional space. It also marks the beginning of a thaw in their relationship, as both characters temporarily abandon caution and begin reconnecting through shared vulnerability and impulsiveness.

“For a brief moment, my alcohol-soaked brain panics at the thought of sharing a room with Dom. Then he asks the front desk worker for two rooms, and I realize we’re not at a roadside inn in some historical romance novel, so of course there’s going to be multiple rooms available.”

With Maddie’s acknowledgment of their situation as a standard romance novel set-up, this quote subtly nudges the fourth wall humorously, poking fun at the romance genre while also following its conventions. This moment plays into the romantic comedy narrative Lauren Connolly constructs, creating a moment that pokes fun at genre conventions while reminding the reader of Maddie’s desire to keep emotional distance.

“My smile is terrible. All toothy and strained and fake. More of a grimace than anything. Dom isn’t even trying to fake it. He’s not even looking at the camera. No, the man is staring at me, probably wondering why I’m going through the trouble of getting a picture taken.”

This passage depicts Maddie’s current state of mind, reflected in her “fake” smile, as she is determined to fake her way through the journey with Dom. Her interpretation of Dom’s look is colored by her lack of understanding about his true feelings at this point in the novel. Meanwhile, Dom has already given in to his feelings for Maddie, though she is completely oblivious to it.

“My shoulders go up to my ears at the sound of my full name in his voice. My mom, Florence, and workers at the DMV are the only ones who call me Madeline. Even though Dom is on my bad side, too, I don’t want him Madeline-ing me.”

When Dom calls Maddie by her full name, her visceral reaction to it highlights how deeply rooted her trauma regarding her mother and Florence is. For him to be using her full name feels to her like an expression of aloofness or, worst-case scenario, full-on disapproval. Part of Maddie’s journey throughout the novel is to come to terms with her relationship with her mother and grandmother and move beyond their abuse and neglect.

“This time when I hand off my brother, I find it surprisingly easy. Probably because Dom is trapped and at my mercy. But there’s also something about how Dom’s hand fully engulfs the small Rubbermaid container that has me feeling like my brother is safe.”

Before this moment, Maddie became anxious to let go of her brother’s ashes, illustrated by her notice of her feelings as she passes them to Dom. Her growing ease in doing so with Dom suggests the trust between them is growing stronger as their journey progresses. Her acknowledgment that part of this comfort is due to his protective nature, represented by the way his hand “engulfs” the ashes, illustrates part of her attraction to him, as well.

“All my righteous fury fizzles in the face of reality, and I glance to Dom for guidance. Then immediately chide myself for relying on him in any way.”

This line captures Maddie’s internal conflict between her need for independence and her instinctive reliance on Dom. Her reflex to look to him highlights the emotional intimacy they once shared, while her immediate self-reproach reveals how deeply she fears vulnerability and dependence, especially with someone who once hurt her. It highlights her struggle to balance self-protection with the human need for connection.

“My next inhale shudders with unshed tears, but I manage to peel my hands away from my face. Then, because the fight has temporarily left me, I let my forehead drop and rest against Dom’s shoulder. We stand like that—him holding me up, me leaning on him—for an indeterminate amount of time, and my traitorous mind points out this hug isn’t so meaningless. This doesn’t feel like an act. This feels like relief.”

This moment marks a pivotal softening in Maddie’s emotional barriers. Her physical surrender—leaning into Dom’s shoulder—symbolizes a temporary relinquishing of her defenses. The realization that this hug feels like relief rather than performance signals a deep, subconscious shift: Maddie is beginning to acknowledge the comfort she still finds in Dom, despite all her efforts to resist it.

“As I reach into my bag, my wrist protests the movement, a reminder of the words sketched into it. Love, Josh. What a perfect metaphor, because damn, does that love hurt right now, too.”

This passage represents not only the risks and rewards associated with making oneself vulnerable to love but also the lingering presence of grief. Much like the permanency of a tattoo, the pain over the loss of Josh will always be with Maddie no matter how much time passes. The physical pain of the new tattoo represents the recurring pain of her grief and the way it surprises her at even the most mundane moments.

“My mother would never allow me the space to deal with the complex emotions of spreading my brother’s ashes. Having Cecilia on even one of these trips would destroy something in me. And that’s not how it feels with Dom. I thought it would. I thought spending one more moment in his presence would wreck me. But—and I don’t think I could ever admit this out loud—having Dom on each of these trips is…helpful. I suck in a deep inhale through my nose, the stress of this phone call tightening my airways. Then I stare at Josh’s handwriting on my wrist. The love he left for Dom and me. And only us.”

This passage reflects Maddie’s evolving character arc, especially her unexpected but welcome reliance on Dom as she works through the complexities of grief. Initially perceived as a source of risk and emotional peril, Dom instead becomes a stabilizing force amid the chaos of grief. In contrast, Cecilia poses the real threat to Maddie’s emotional state.

“Briefly, I consider retreating. But I’m tired of being in my room. Once we got back from Vulture City, I immediately logged into work and have been catching up on everything these past few hours. My fingers need a rest from typing, and forget about tears—my eyes will start bleeding if I have to search for another impossible-to-find error in another dataset.”

This quote highlights Maddie’s habitual use of work as an emotional shield, a coping mechanism that allows her to avoid confronting her grief directly. However, her exhaustion—both physical and emotional—betrays how unsustainable this strategy is. Additionally, her growing weariness with work suggests a need for change to come by the end of the novel.

“Dom might think he needs to be in charge, be in control. That he needs to take care of everything and everyone around him. But I think what he really needs is someone who reminds him to take care of himself.”

This moment reveals Maddie’s deepening understanding of Dom’s character and his emotional burdens. Her insight shifts the narrative from surface-level frustration with his controlling tendencies to empathy for the root of his behavior—his compulsive need to protect others. This quote ties into the theme of the risks and rewards of vulnerability, emphasizing the importance of mutual care in relationships and foreshadowing Maddie’s evolving role not just as a companion but as someone who reminds Dom to look out for himself.

“Give Me Your Phone Number And I’ll Send You An Embarrassing Picture Of Myself Oh. Oh no. Now, that is a tempting offer. My mind buzzes with the possibilities of what that picture could be. What would Dom consider embarrassing? And why would he keep the photo? Dom seems like the kind of guy who would delete all possible evidence of him ever making a mistake.”

This passage illustrates the playful intimacy developing between Maddie and Dominic. Her surprise that Dom might keep an embarrassing photo suggests she’s beginning to see cracks in his stoic, controlled exterior—evidence that he’s opening up to her more thoroughly. Dom is offering something unguarded, inviting Maddie to lower her defenses in return.

“At least once a week I initiate an exchange of nonsense text messages so I know that Dom has a small portion of his life where he’s not required to be serious or responsible. All he needs to do is text me back. And he does, every time.”

As the novel continues, Maddie takes on a growing role as a grounding and supportive force in Dom’s life, offering protection to someone who is usually the protector. She desires to create an emotional space for him to be free from pressure and obligation. Her understanding of Dom’s needs, reflected here, highlights her growing empathy and intuitive understanding of him.

“We log off our meeting and for a stretch I just stare at my blank screen and hype myself up to do my job. Normally, it’s not like this. Normally, I am in work mode practically twenty-four seven. But other things have been crowding my mind.”

Maddie is becoming less and less passionate about her job as her adventures with Dom progress. She begins to realize that the external validation she gets from a job that overworks her is underwhelming in comparison to the feeling of Dom’s reciprocated affections. Maddie’s reprioritization signals her continuing connection with the people who care for and support her.

“Less of the Perrys wondering why Dom would choose me. Less of me being compared to the date he brought to the twins’ last graduation. I’ve spent enough of my younger years using the perfect example of Rosaline to pick myself apart. I don’t want to see the look in people’s eyes as they do the same and find me wanting.”

This quote highlights Maddie’s deep-seated insecurities, especially in relation to Rosaline, who has long represented an ideal she believes she can’t match. The internalized comparison reflects Maddie’s fraught self-image and fear of judgment, fears rooted in a childhood shaped by emotional neglect and critical parental figures. Her desire to avoid others’ scrutiny reveals a vulnerability that continues to shape her romantic hesitations and sense of self-worth.

“At the start of this, I wanted everything to go by faster. Get to the next destination quick, so I could hear from Josh and get Dominic Perry out of my life for good. But now? Now I think I’m ready for life to slow down.”

Initially fueled by avoidance and unresolved grief, Maddie desired to rush through the ash-spreading trips as a defense mechanism. She was eager to complete the task and sever ties with painful memories, particularly those connected to Dom. Her newfound wish for time to slow down suggests she’s beginning to find meaning, healing, and even unexpected connection in the journey itself.

“As if sensing my tendency to doubt, Dom hasn’t given me a moment to question his commitment. He didn’t just say he’s in this with me. He’s showing up. And hell, it feels good to rely on him.”

This quote highlights Maddie’s gradual shift from emotional isolation to cautious trust. Dom’s consistent, undemanding presence counters her deep-seated fear of abandonment, showing her—through action rather than just words—that he’s dependable. For someone like Maddie, who has long struggled with vulnerability and the fear of being left, learning to rely on someone again is difficult. Dom’s reliability begins to redefine what safety and partnership can look like for her.

“The two of us together is not the responsible choice. I’m not the responsible choice. So how can I trust that you would make it? Because you can’t just do it once. You have to make the choice to be with me every single day. And I can’t deal with knowing that one day you might choose to go another way.”

Maddie’s deep-rooted fear lay in the dread that love could someday be revoked, a fear partially built by Dom’s abandonment when they were younger. Maddie wants enduring certainty that she isn’t sure is possible to be promised, especially after Josh’s death. Choosing to trust Dom will never leave her, even knowing death can remove him from her life at any moment, even if he doesn’t wish it to, is a risk she’s not sure she’s ready to take.

“Why? Why would they do that? Why would I do that? Train my replacement? Make it easier for them to fire me if they felt like it? I’m not the CEO, but I’m necessary. I hold important parts of the company together and everyone knows that. They know I’m necessary. If they need me, then they can’t leave me!”

This quote reveals Maddie’s need to be indispensable as a form of self-protection against her deeply ingrained fear of abandonment. Her value at work becomes a proxy for emotional security—if she is essential, she cannot be cast aside as she was by her parents and, in her mind, by others she trusted, including Dom. The frantic tone mirrors the underlying trauma of feeling replaceable in her personal life, highlighting how her overwork isn’t just ambition but a survival mechanism to guard against rejection.

“One important thing I’ve learned on these many trips with Dom is that I only know a portion of my brother. We were close, but there were pieces we kept to ourselves, or gave to others. Josh gave parts of himself to his best friend. And he gave others to the woman he loved. I want all of him I can have, even if the pieces are secondhand.”

This quote encapsulates the bittersweet nature of grief and the human desire to know and preserve someone who’s gone. Maddie’s realization—that she only knew part of Josh—highlights the puzzle symbolism regarding this journey. Though it was mostly a puzzle to find the missing pieces in her own life, she also discovered the missing pieces she had for the puzzle that was Josh.