PS: I Hate You

Maddie is offended once again. Everyone else received their own letters, yet she is forced to share one with Dom. Florence becomes angry after reading the letter Josh left for her, which simply says, “Thanks for the years of therapy” (17). Rather than understanding his implication that she traumatized him, Florence is fixated on the fact that she hasn’t received any money in his will. Rosaline reprimands Maddie’s grandmother by reminding her that Josh had to pay his medical bills.

Everyone decides to leave the room and open the letters in private and on their own time, leaving Dom and Maddie alone. Rosaline leaves without a word or glance at Dom, prompting Maddie to wonder about the state of their marriage. However, she stops herself from falling into the old habit of tracking their relationship, the result of her unrequited feelings for Dom.

Maddie opens and reads the letter aloud. Josh’s parting words to them are emotional, claiming that he isn’t ready to say goodbye and that he still had more exploring he wanted to do. Josh claims there will be a goodbye letter, but not yet. First, he tasks them with traveling to the eight states he never visited and spreading a portion of his ashes in each state. He has left an envelope for each location with instructions on what to do, but they cannot open the envelopes until they reach the designated location. He believes the quality time together will be beneficial to them.

Maddie is outraged that her brother is forcing her to spend time with the man she has dedicated herself to avoiding. She runs from the room and out to the nearby cemetery. Dom chases her out, and when she stops next to a grave, struggling to breathe due to an asthma attack, Dom retrieves her inhaler from her bag. Their resulting conversation prompts them both to accept Josh’s task; they resign themselves to planning their next steps.

After Josh’s body is cremated, Dom and Maddie divide his remains into eight equal parts while discussing their first location. Maddie wonders what the specific coordinates of each location will lead her and Dom to. She believes Josh has left them a game of sorts; he used to make scavenger hunts for Maddie to draw her out of her comfort zone when they were children.

The envelope named Alaska instructs them to save that location for last, so they decide to start with Delaware, as the state is just next door to Pennsylvania, their current location. The coordinates direct them to the beach in Rehoboth, only a few hours away.

Maddie wants to leave immediately and suggests that Dom inform Rosaline of the trip. She also internally decides that if Rosaline wants to join them, she will refuse to go, regardless of her brother’s wishes. Dom is taken aback by Maddie’s question and incredulous that no one has told her that he and Rosaline are divorced.

During the car ride to Rehoboth Beach, Maddie tries to digest this new information about Dom’s marital status. Maddie always viewed him and Rosaline as the “model high school couple” (36). Aside from the summer they temporarily broke up and Dom spent time with Maddie, their relationship had always seemed flawless. Maddie wonders why her brother never told her about their divorce and begins to wonder if she cut herself off too well from the people from her childhood.

When Maddie and Dom get to the beach, they open the envelope for Delaware. Josh’s letter speaks about his love for the endless water of the ocean. It reminds him of how small he is in the world. He asks them to “wade into the wild” and “let the waves tug at [them]” and then spread his ashes into the ocean (39). He then instructs them to find a bar with Dogfish Head beers on tap and raise a toast to him before taking a picture together. Maddie and Dom strip down to their undergarments and wade into the ocean where they spread a portion of Josh’s ashes. When the ashes float instead of sink, Maddie lets out a humorous, angry rant and demands that Dom help her push the ashes underwater.

Maddie and Dom go to a bar where they order Dogfish Head beers on tap. Maddie hates beer but suffers through a drink of it to fulfill her brother’s wish before ordering a gin and tonic. She asks the bartender to take a photo of them sitting together and smiling, completing Josh’s instructions.

Rather than leaving the bar, they stay and continue drinking. Eventually, Maddie asks about Rosaline. Dom simply confirms they’re over, but when Maddie pushes for details, he states, “Sometimes something big happens. And it makes you look at your life. And you realize you’ve been living it wrong […] That you let something go on longer than it should have” (49). Josh’s cancer diagnosis was the “big” event that he is referring to. Maddie is surprised that there was not a big betrayal, just an amicable split between the two.

When Maddie and Dom drink too much to drive, they grab rooms at a nearby motel. While attempting to find their rooms, Maddie drunkenly rambles about how she hates hotels and motels, where every room is the same, “all lifeless.”

They see a vending machine, and Dom gets peanuts. Maddie confiscates them and tells him to pick something less boring. When Dom chooses Sour Patch Kids, Maddie’s favorite, she is surprised that he remembers. Dom reveals that he even recalls how she “like[s] to pretend they’re pirates and [she’s] the kraken and that [she’s] demolished their ship and [is] eating them alive” (55). When she offers Dom one, he holds open his mouth for her to feed him one. After chewing on it, he uses a pirate accent, causing her to laugh.

As Dom smiles back at her, Maddie impulsively kisses him. Though he returns the kiss, he breaks away, stating that they can’t continue. Maddie is hurt and angry, believing that he simply means he does not want to. She becomes defensive, telling him she only wanted “to know what it was like to kiss an asshole” (57). She retreats to her room and slams the door, ignoring Dom when he knocks on the door. Maddie rushes to the bathroom where she vomits in the toilet, the magic of the trip ruined.

Maddie wakes sober at 3:00 am and travels back to Pennsylvania alone. She packs up and flies home to Seattle, Washington, where she vows not to think about Dom until their next trip. However, she keeps opening her photo app to look at the picture of them at the bar. While she has a forced smile, Dom is looking at her. Since the funeral, she has also started a group chat with Dom’s brothers, Adam and Carter.

Her routine of working from home and wallowing in self-misery is interrupted by a visit from her ex-boyfriend, now best friend, Jeremy Hassan. When Maddie greets Jeremy, he claims he’s worn a baggy sweatshirt sprayed with a nice-smelling cologne to hug her. Maddie isn’t a hugger—hugs don’t comfort her like they do others. However, the exception to this rule for her is sweatshirts, which she finds soft and comforting. Maddie accepts Jeremy’s brief hug.

Jeremy claims he and their other friend, Tula, would have come to the funeral with Maddie if she needed them. When Tula arrives, Maddie admits that she didn’t want them at Josh’s funeral because it was a stunt pulled by her influencer mom and not meaningful in the ways it needed to be. Her friends claim that it is even more reason for them to have been there—to support her. Their unconditional support for Maddie makes her feel guilty, as she believes she doesn’t fully deserve them.

Tula spots Maddie’s laptop open for work tasks and reprimands her for not taking time off to properly grieve. Maddie defends herself by claiming that the team would fall apart without her, and she enjoys feeling needed. Maddie reveals the task Josh left her with but doesn’t mention Dom. While they know about her neglectful parents and grandmother and her love for Josh, they only know of Dom as some mysterious boy who broke her heart.

Maddie goes to her downtown Seattle office to help her boss, Pamela, with a chaotic work emergency. When Pamela gushes about how the company would collapse without Maddie, Maddie feels a rush from being needed. She hasn’t even told Pamela about her brother’s death.

During her lunch break, Maddie checks her personal email and finds a message from Dom. He gives her his number and asks for hers in return so he can begin making their next travel arrangements. He provides the list of remaining states—Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Idaho, Kansas, North Dakota, and South Dakota—to choose from and asks her to provide him with her availability. Maddie chafes at the unemotional professionalism of his message and is aloof in her reply. She says she’ll make her own travel arrangements.

Dom confirms their trip for the first weekend in April and claims it’s more efficient if he makes both their bookings at once. He agrees to send her the coordinates when she texts him. Maddie refuses to give him her number and insists they continue contact over email. When Dom claims this is inefficient, Maddie threatens not to go at all if he does not send her coordinates. Dom sends her the coordinates over email and asks her at least to allow him to book their accommodations. Maddie accepts.

Maddie arrives in Alabama, rents a car, and drives to the address Dom sent her. When she arrives, she is surprised to discover it is a remote rental cabin instead of a hotel. Dom explains that she said on their last trip that she hated hotels. Dom and Maddie go out for dinner, then to Dismals Canyon for a night tour of the glowworm caves. Though they haven’t yet read Josh’s letter, Dom has anticipated that this attraction was the purpose behind the specific coordinates.

While they wait for the tour, they open the envelope. Before Maddie reads Josh’s letter, she asks Dom what happened to the Delaware envelope, afraid he has thrown it away. Dom claims he’s keeping all the envelopes in a fireproof safe in his home. Maddie asks for the code, but Dom is hesitant to share it before reluctantly revealing that it is Maddie’s birthday.

Maddie is shocked and confused. She says that she will text his brother Adam to go to Dom’s house and confirm that it is, in fact, the code. Maddie reads Josh’s letter. He says he knows Maddie does not care to visit the South but encourages her to see the beauty in everything. He wants them to book a night tour of Dismals Canyon, buy a souvenir he would have liked, and take a picture. He then asks them to leave his ashes in the glow.

Maddie and Dom take a group tour with other participants through the caverns filled with glowing larva. When they squeeze through a snug gap between canyon walls, Dom’s belt loop becomes stuck, trapping him. Maddie hands Josh’s ashes to Dom and helps release him, bringing them into close proximity that unsettles them both.

Afterward, she holds her hand back out for the ashes, but Dom misinterprets the gesture and grabs her hand, lacing their fingers together. They awkwardly break apart after Maddie claims she wanted the ashes. When the tour guide explains that when larvae are flies they are only alive for one day, Maddie wonders what she’d do if she only had one day to live. Her eyes are immediately drawn to Dom. At the end of the tour, Maddie and Dom spread Josh’s ashes on the cavern floor.

Back at the cabin, Maddie texts Adam to check Dom’s safe, which opens with the combination of her birthday. Feeling unsettled by this and by her proximity to Dom, Maddie changes into a baggy sweatshirt, puts noise-cancelling headphones on with an audiobook, and settles into the living room to do a puzzle she found in the cabin. While she works on the puzzle, she becomes irritated with Dom, who is restlessly moving about the cabin.

Finally, she snaps at him but discovers he is setting the correct time on every clock. She says that her brother’s watch, which he’s taken to wearing since Josh’s death, should tell the time just fine. Noting her resentful tone, Dom offers to give her the watch. Maddie hates wearing things around her wrists and insists he keep it. She tells him to leave her alone so that she can complete her puzzle. Dom retreats to his room, and when Maddie finishes her puzzle, she changes all the clocks before going to bed.

Since returning home to Seattle after their trip to Alabama, Maddie’s mind is consumed with thoughts of Dom—particularly memories from the past. She remembers the summer when she turned 19. Her mom was traveling, and to escape her tyrannical grandmother, Maddie spent every day helping Dom’s mother after a car crash that caused her months of limited mobility and physical therapy.

Maddie felt wanted and loved in the Perry household, unlike her own. She looked after the twins, picked up groceries, and helped around the house. Meanwhile, she grew close to all three Perry brothers. Toward the end of summer, Maddie was sad for her time with the Perry family to end. However, Dom invited her to continue reading on the swinging bench she loved until her next year at college began in a few weeks.

Two weeks later, Maddie and Dom became sexually intimate on that bench. However, the next morning when she visited, she overheard him and Rosaline conversing on the same bench. Dom told Rosaline he would marry her, and Maddie’s heart broke.

Maddie is dragged from her memories by a ping on her laptop from her personal email. It is Dominic asking when she can take their next trip to Kansas. Maddie sets the date for June.