Pucking Wild

“‘You’re being so irrational right now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to you—’ 

‘Irrational?’ I cry, eyes wide. ‘My career is on the line because you got your fucking feelings hurt!’”

This exchange between Tess and Troy occurs just after Troy has her put on administrative leave for being photographed dancing with Ryan. Troy often uses similar language to gaslight Tess and devalue her thoughts and feelings. Yet, as Tess implies here, Troy’s behavior is itself irrational, and her voicing this proves that she has realized his true character during their separation and begun to gain self-confidence—a key part of her character arc.

“I used to be happy all the time. I used to laugh and love out loud. I was wild once. I was free. I’ve been trying to find my way back to that girl who danced in her underwear. Rachel was helping me find her. I miss her. I miss me.”

Tess thinks this after she sees a picture of herself smiling and having fun at the wedding. This thought catalyzes her move to Florida and her desire to see Rachel, with whom she was last happy. Throughout the novel, Tess returns to this idea of the “fun” and “wild” Tess she once was, trying to recover her old self in her new life in a way that ties her character development to the process of Finding a Home and a Community.

“Without hockey, I’m nothing. My family needs me. My sister, my mother—I’m their only support. And hockey is the only way I’m ever gonna earn. If my knee is busted…if this is the end…”

Ryan thinks this as he lies on the ice after his injury. The passage details some of the pressure he faces in his personal life and characterizes him as highly responsible. However, it also shows that Overcoming Self-Doubt is not only a challenge for Tess: Ryan continually returns to this idea that he is nothing more than his talent at hockey, which warps his view of the future and his self-worth.

“It’s odd, but just knowing Ryan’s here is bringing me comfort. […] I don’t like being alone. I spent so much of my young life alone by nature of my circumstances—abandoned by my mother, ignored by my relatives, too poor to join the cool after school clubs, and too embarrassed to invite friends over when I didn’t know whose couch I’d be crashing on from week to week.”

This is one of the first insights that the novel offers into Tess’s childhood, coming just after she and Ryan have moved in together. Tess often defines herself by her loneliness, and this quote shows exactly where that idea stems from. Yet it also highlights Ryan and Tess’s growing relationship, implying that her isolation is not as permanent as she believes.

“‘Tess Owens is a total ten. She’s gorgeous and so fucking smart. She’s a high-powered corporate lawyer, Shelbs. She runs non-profits and saves endangered animals, and I’m…me,’ I finish with a shrug.”

Ryan says this to Shelby when she suggests there might be something romantic going on between him and Tess. Again, Ryan deprecates himself while highlighting his interest in Tess. Shelby responds by describing the many ways in which Ryan deserves just as much praise as Tess, showing how Ryan’s views of himself differ from reality.

“‘He called me a whore, and he choked me. This was all after he threatened to ruin me. Do you really think there is any universe in which I wouldn’t ask for a divorce after that? Would you stay legally chained to a man who chokes you, Bea? A man who breaks his vows and fucks other women in your marriage bed? A man who belittles you and lies to you? A man who stalks you and scares you and threatens your job, your reputation—’ 

‘I can’t bear this—’ 

‘If I can bear it, you will too,’ I shout.”

This exchange between Bea and Tess highlights the great disparity between the women’s understandings of Troy. By bringing up the abuse she experienced, Tess forces Bea to confront exactly what her son has done, something Bea struggles to do throughout the novel. In this conversation, Tess’s rhetorical questions and unsparing word choice put Bea in her own shoes and make Bea withstand a sliver of the hurt Troy has made Tess endure.

“The truth is that I’ve never really felt young. You don’t get to feel young when you partially raise your sister while your mom pulls double shifts at the hospital to pay for your hockey. You don’t feel young when you leave the house at fifteen to compete in the Junior League. You don’t feel young when you become the breadwinner at eighteen, negotiating multi-million-dollar contract deals while most kids your age are saving up to buy their first car.”

Ryan thinks this after he gets the brand deal with Nike, giving some insight into his childhood and his struggles outside of hockey. The exposition he provides demonstrates why Ryan depends on hockey so much and thinks of himself as capable of little else. Ryan’s childhood as described here is similar to Tess’s in the regard that both had to learn to fend for themselves in their formative years.

“‘Look, I know it sounds dumb, […] The wife sitting at Christmas dinner knowing her marriage is over because her husband doesn’t give her the breadbasket. It sounds crazy…but so often that’s how he made me feel,’ I admit. ‘I sat there in that moment, letting the breadbasket pass me by, and I knew it was over. Either this man that I loved was choosing to ignore me, or he was purposefully withholding choices from me. Worst of all was the question that plagued me the longest: Did he even see me at all?’”

Tess says this to Ryan, describing the moment she recognized her marriage was over. The self-deprecating way Tess tells this story highlights that she is still not sure of herself or the validity of her feelings. Yet this description also shows Tess’s ongoing introspection as she works through her emotions about the divorce; as she recognizes, many of her feelings about herself (e.g., her sense that she is being “crazy”) stem from her husband’s treatment of her.

“How could I not see what he was doing? How did I not see the way I was changing? But I guess, over time, it’s like all these little pieces of yourself get chipped away. Like a piece of glass, tumbling along the bottom of the sea floor, you change. You get harder, you close yourself off. What once shined with brilliance becomes dull. And then it’s ten years later and you suddenly realize you don’t laugh anymore. You stopped telling jokes because he never liked that you were funnier than him. And you wanted him to feel good, feel like the man. Funniest one in the room. But the joke’s on you both, because he’s not funny, so neither of you laugh. And god, but I really love to laugh.”

Here, Tess describes how being with Troy changed her entirely. Specifically, her focus on placating Troy prevented her from understanding her own feelings or needs. In contrasting her prior and current selves, Tess also reminisces about how she used to love having fun and laughing, a motif that comes up frequently: In stealing Tess’s laughter, Troy stole one of the most important parts of her. Although she now recognizes this, the questions with which she begins illustrate her ongoing struggles with self-worth and tendency to blame herself for the abuse she experienced.

“‘I don’t think it’s boring,’ she replies. ‘And you don’t need to deflect all the time, you know. You can let people know what’s troubling you. It doesn’t make you weak to admit it. And it doesn’t open a door to them weaponizing that knowledge against you. Some people are good, Tess. Some people genuinely want to help. You don’t have to keep running.’”

Shelby tells this to Tess when Tess tries to change the subject after Shelby finds her crying at her party. It is an important show of solidarity, particularly compared to the women’s first meeting earlier in the novel. As a fellow member of the Rays community, Shelby is there to help Tess despite her initial feelings about her. This quote also shows that others see how Tess has been hurt by her last relationship and that it has left her feeling undeserving of care.

“Seeing him again, feeling his energy calling out to mine, a truth settles deep inside me: Ryan likes it when I laugh. From the moment we met, he’s spent all his energy trying to draw the sound from my lips. Lying in his bed late at night, pretending I’m helping him fall asleep, I’ll laugh at something he says, and he’ll brush a finger up the column of my throat, tracing the path of the sound. To him, my laugh is music. To him, my laugh is magic.”

Tess thinks this when she spots Ryan at Shelby’s party. Returning to the motif of laughter, this quote implicitly contrasts Troy and Ryan, as the former never encouraged Shelby to laugh. Her repetition of “to him” highlights her amazement that Ryan responds otherwise. It also underscores that this is one of the first moments where Tess lets herself absorb her feelings for Ryan, which she has tried to run from throughout the novel.

“I’m not good at being vulnerable. I’m not good at letting people in. I’d rather walk around the world stark naked than walk around admitting to having faults and feelings and insecurities. And boy, has this man seen me naked. Maybe that’s why everything has been so topsy-turvy with us. We started with me naked. No walls, no hiding. Just me, exactly as I am, with curves and freckles and sunburned shoulders. He’s known what I am, all that I am, from day freaking one. Now the question becomes: Will I let him know who I am? Will I let him in?”

Tess thinks this as the full weight of her feelings for Ryan hits her. This quote shows that she is still afraid of the relationship, but the brief questions at the end poke at this fear and make her question whether it is worth it. By alluding to a few of their previous meetings, Tess also highlights their relationship’s unconventional structure, which may better allow her to thrive.

“‘God, you’re useless,’ I cry, slipping off the side of the bed. ‘The one time I need you to catch me as I fall, and you’re just gonna cross your arms and watch me go splat?’ 

‘Falling for a guy and falling to your death are not the same things,’ she counters.”

This exchange between Tess and Rachel occurs just after Tess confesses her relationship with Ryan. Tess believes (and, in fact, hopes) that Rachel will dissuade her from continuing the relationship. However, unlike Tess, Rachel doesn’t see every relationship as a doomed one, again showing just how much Tess’s relationship with Troy affected her outlook on relationships. Rachel’s support is key to Tess’s healing; although the novel is principally a romance, it also celebrates platonic love.

“Life is short, and they’re choosing to live it to the fullest. But I don’t have Rachel’s strength…and she doesn’t have my baggage. I know what my advice is, even if Rachel won’t say it for me. My advice is that I should let Ryan go. My advice is that my life is messy and complicated and Ryan deserves better. My advice is good. My advice keeps me safe. I know it’s my advice I should take.”

When Rachel refuses to end Tess’s relationship with Ryan, Tess returns to her old way of thinking and decides to end it herself. This quote shows just how much fear rules Tess’s life when it comes to decisions about her relationships, further showing Troy’s impact on her thought process. Self-doubt is also a guiding influence as Tess compares herself unfavorably to Rachel and suggests that she does not “deserve” Ryan (or, implicitly, love in general).

“Hope. That word is dangerous. That word builds you up and tears you down, leaving nothing left but a charred and broken mess. Hope that my mother could change, that she could learn to stay. Hope that someone could want me. Hope that Troy was the one, that we would be happy. Hope that his family would accept me. Hope that we’d find a way through, that he could learn to love me again. ‘No. I don’t have hope—’”

This quote comes after Ryan tells Tess that she is afraid that he can offer her hope. It shows just how much hope has ruled and molded Tess’s life and her feelings about the future—as her repetition of the word underscores. By contrast, her refusal of Ryan and hope shows how much Tess is influenced by her fear, which stems partly from the repeated disappointment this passage implies.

“‘I’m just terrified that you’re not in the right place to receive his love, and you’re both gonna end up hurt. And I don’t know how to talk to you about it without making you bolt even faster.’ 

‘Do you see me bolting?’ 

‘Your running shoes are on, and you’re waiting for the sound of that starter pistol,’ she replies honestly. ‘You always are, honey. And Ryan doesn’t deserve that. Frankly, neither do you. We all just want you both happy. If your best happiness comes from being together, that’s what we want.’”

This exchange between Rachel and Tess continues their conversation about relationships. Once again, Rachel has more hope that the relationship will work out than Tess, who cannot see that she is running from Ryan. The metaphor of running is one that comes up throughout the book, with many people besides Rachel noting how quickly Tess tries to run from things that could hurt her.

“Don’t worry about Ryan or who you think he wants you to be. If you want to be fun Tess again, be her for yourself. Dance in your underwear, eat whipped cream from the can. Wild Tess is yours before she belongs to anyone else.”

Rachel’s advice returns to the idea of the “fun” and “wild” Tess, whose loss Tess often laments. Though Rachel says this in the context of discussing Tess’s relationship with Ryan, here she refocuses the conversation on Tess’s personal happiness. Rather than framing romance as a cure for trauma (or anything else), the novel suggests that healthy relationships grow out of comfort with oneself and satisfaction with one’s life.

“‘I don’t give a fuck what happened in your past,’ I go on. ‘We all have one. The only thing I care about is that your past brought you to me. Your past is the story you’ve already written. You have to let it stay there, okay? We’re on a new page together, you and me. I’m your future, Tess. […] You aren’t alone anymore, do you hear me? The only person who can keep you from me is you.’”

Ryan tells this to Tess when she is trying to push him away after learning about Troy’s threats. This quote emphasizes how different Ryan and Tess’s views of their relationship are, with Tess stuck in the past and Ryan looking toward the future. The metaphor of their life as a story in a book is one that Ryan often repeats in the novel and that serves as a metatextual nod to the novel’s readers.

“‘All you are is hockey,’ he says, ignoring my accusations. ‘That’s all you have to offer the world. When that’s gone, you’ll be nothing. One more useless, dumb jock. They wouldn’t even hire you to work a donut counter. You’re fucking pathetic. And my Tess is going to see right through you in the end. Honestly, I’m doing you a favor with this,’ he adds, pointing at the documents in my hand. ‘Consider your relationship over. If you want to keep playing hockey, if you want to keep supporting your family, be the one who walks away first.’”

Troy tells this to Ryan after giving him the fraudulent restraining order at the gala. His words play on all of Ryan’s worst fears, even mirroring things Ryan said about himself in earlier chapters, showing just how low Troy is willing to go to get what he wants. However, his efforts backfire by highlighting his abusive and manipulative behavior for people other than just Tess to see.

“‘Tess, why does this feel like a goodbye?’ Jake’s face is a mask of anxiety. 

‘Because Troy is here to test whether you love me too,’ I reply. ‘A narcissist can’t stand when their victim has attachments outside of them. He wants you to push me away. He wants caring for me and being my friend to be a burden for you—’”

Here, Tess tells the Prices exactly what Troy wants out of her, tacitly revealing how he manipulated her throughout much of their relationship. Having learned this, the Prices do everything they can to show Troy they will stand up for Tess. This quote also highlights how Tess has come to understand Troy’s tactics after years of abuse, illuminating her personal growth.

“It took me a long time to see that Troy’s upbringing was not so much a blessing as a curse. He doesn’t know how to work for things. He doesn’t know how to value the things he has. And he doesn’t know how to appreciate what it feels like when those things are taken away. In a word, he’s spoiled. And he’s the worst kind of spoiled: the kind that is fundamentally incapable of admitting it. That’s why he’s here now. He doesn’t understand that there are things in his life that he can’t possess. I am one of those things. Try as he might, he can’t control me. He can’t make me do as he commands. I center myself in that truth. I am wild. I am fierce. I am free.”

Tess thinks about Troy’s wealthy and privileged upbringing after she meets him at the gala. This again shows how much she has changed, as Troy’s privilege initially drew Tess to him. Her final lines underscore that she has found the old version of herself that she has been looking for since the beginning of the novel—a version of herself that notably opposes Troy’s character entirely.

“All my life, I’ve been a lost bird, looking for a home, somewhere I could feel safe and loved and free to be myself. In my ignorance, I thought maybe money and power could buy those things. I was so wrong. It took me walking away from everything to find that home at last. […] My home is me. It’s been me all along. I am everything I need. I am enough just as I am. I am smart and driven. I’m kind. I’m passionate and funny and sexy as hell. […] I came to Jacksonville to be closer to Rachel. I thought she was my home. But I was wrong. She’s just the first person to hold up a mirror and show me that I’m enough.”

Tess tells this to Bea when the latter attempts to buy her silence with the divorce papers. This quote shows not only that Tess has found the old version of herself she has been searching for, but that she found it with the help and support of her community. At the same time, it underscores that Tess does not need that community to survive by playing on the motif of home: Tess now finds her home within herself rather than in someone else, as she has done in her past. Even her repetition of “I” underscores her hard-won self-confidence.

“In that case, perhaps the sweetest form of justice comes from you boldly moving on. Leave them [Bea and Troy] to each other. We survive, we thrive, and we never give them power over us again.”

Shelby says this to Tess when she finds out that Tess will not be pressing charges against Troy. Tess’s decision to move on from Troy rather than continue to have him in her life in any way is significant, as it illuminates how much she has changed throughout the novel. Her insistence on peace rather than revenge shows what Tess truly values in her new life.