Punk 57

“Right now, Misha Lare, with all his imperfections, is perfect in my head. He listens, pumps me up, takes the pressure off, and has no expectations of me. He tells the truth, and he’s the one place I never have to hide.

How many people have someone like that?

And as much as I want answers, I can’t just give that up yet. We’ve been writing for seven years. This is a part of me, and I’m not sure what I would do without it. If I search him out, everything will change.”

Ryen, who hasn’t heard back from Misha in months, contemplates what her relationship with Misha means to her and justifies why she hasn’t sought him out despite the absence. Ryen’s feelings for Misha and explanation for not seeking him out parallel Misha’s feelings and explanation from the first chapter. Both characters worry about changing the ideal relationship they’ve built through letters.

“It’s the only class I have every day that I enjoy, but I let my friends think I hate it. Art, band, theater…they’re all targets for ridicule, and I don’t want to hear it from them.”

Ryen explains that, although she enjoys art class, she wouldn’t let her friends know that because she worries about their judgment. This quote characterizes Ryen’s friends as people with whom she doesn’t feel comfortable being herself with and characterizes Ryen as someone who suppresses her true self for the acceptance of others. This quote relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself.

“With what happened to my locker and the episode in the cafeteria today, it’s been a long time since I’ve had that feeling. People don’t laugh at me, and guys like him don’t put me in my place. I’m not going to let him in my head like I let them in all those years ago. I’m stronger now.”

After Ryen’s jarring encounters with “Masen” at school, Ryen’s narration hints at past encounters in which she’s been mocked or made to feel small. This quote foreshadows the revelation that Ryen changed herself entirely because she was bullied and develops the theme of The Consequences of Bullying by showing how rocked Ryen is after being bullied for the first time in years.

“Forget that I was taking selfies with Ryen that night, ignoring my instincts and responsibilities, while my sister was dying alone on a dark, cold road.”

This quote reveals that Misha’s sister, Annie, died the night Misha first met Ryen at the warehouse party, and that Misha’s last interaction with Annie was his brief conversation with her in Chapter 1. This revelation explains the changes in Misha’s behavior and why he stopped writing to Ryen after that night.

“But then I stop, feeling a wave of loss wash over me. No. It’s not pathetic. Misha wouldn’t want me to stop writing him. He made me promise. I need you, you know that, right? he said. Tell me we’ll always have this. Tell me you won’t stop. That was in one of his rare letters where I got a glimpse of everything he keeps hidden. He seemed afraid and vulnerable, and so I promised him. Why would I ever stop? I never want to lose him.”

After her sister makes her feel pathetic for continuing to write to Misha, Ryen briefly considers stopping before reminding herself that she made a promise and doesn’t want to lose Misha yet. This quote not only adds depth to the relationship Ryen and Misha built through letters, but it also helps develop those letters as a symbol of their love for one another. This quote also relates to the theme of The Importance of Maintaining Close Relationships, as Ryen’s recollection of Misha’s words shows how much Misha depends on their continued correspondence for emotional strength.

“At least my Ryen is still in there somewhere. I see it in how she’s uncomfortable when that Cortez kid is bullied. I saw it this morning when she gave the janitor nail polish remover to help take off the graffiti.

And I see it all over her room. The collages, the poetry, the lyrics I’ve sent her for review, the quotes and colors everywhere…That’s the Ryen I know.

But in ten years, she could be Lyla. Self-serving, false, and screwing anything to forget how much she hates herself.”

Misha assesses who Ryen has become in high school compared to the person he knows her to be through her letters. This quote emphasizes the duality of Ryen, who presents herself one way to her shallow friends and another way to Misha, developing the theme of Staying True to Oneself. Misha’s feelings that the real Ryen is still in there foreshadow how he helps her become that version of herself again.

“My shoulders slump, thinking about how she’s always been there for me. Her bullshit pisses me off, but to Misha, she’s been a friend. And a very good one.

Annie would be disappointed in me if I treated badly the only person left who loved everything about me.”

Misha considers how he’s treated Ryen poorly as Masen despite her friendship and loyalty to him as Misha. Misha understands that, although Ryen is a different person at school, to him, she’s been nothing but a kind soul and a good friend. This quote relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself as it emphasizes the duality of Misha, who has been posing as Masen and using that alternate identity to bully Ryen, who isn’t who she presented herself to be in her letters. Misha’s recognition that he shouldn’t drive Ryen away also relates to the theme of The Importance of Maintaining Close Relationships.

“I’ve never been in danger to losing my heart to guys like Trey, but with Masen, I find him consuming my attention. I’m always aware of him.

And the closer I get to him, the farther away from Misha I feel. It almost feels like I’m betraying him. Not that we’re romantic, but he has my heart, and I don’t want to give it to anyone else. I feel like Masen threatens that.”

Ryen considers how her feelings for Misha are shifting into feelings for Masen, and she worries about Masen taking her attention from Misha. This quote uses dramatic irony, as Ryen is unaware that Masen and Misha are the same person while she worries about choosing between them. This quote also helps to develop the relationship between Ryen and “Masen” as Ryen acknowledges her growing feelings for him.

“I’ve wanted to talk to her for the past two days, but yeah…I’d just dig myself into a bigger hole, because that’s all I know how to do, it seems. I want to crawl in through her window and just touch her and talk to her and see if she can make me see the end of this. Make me figure out how to rewind and start over, before I abandoned her all those months ago when I should’ve clung to her and let her know how much I need her.”

Misha considers the damage he’s begun to do to his relationship with Ryen by posing as Masen and becoming physical with her. Misha acknowledges how important Ryen is to him and how much he needs her, making his situation more precarious. This quote relates to the theme of The Importance of Maintaining Close Relationships as Misha recognizes how much he needs Ryen and how he should’ve leaned on her when he needed her after Annie’s death.

“She’s Punk.

Oh, my God. She’s been sneaking around right under everyone’s noses, carrying on this secret life at night. And then watching everyone’s reactions in the morning as they scurry about, trying to find out which of their own it is. Never suspecting her.”

Misha grapples with the revelation that Ryen is the mysterious vandal known as Punk, whose regular messages on school walls have been the talk of the student body for months. This quote shows that, although Ryen has changed herself to fit in with her peers, she maintains some parts of her true self, like her affinity for lyrics and her propensity for writing on walls. This quote relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself by showing how Ryen allows parts of her real self to shine through.

“I wish she’d just go home. Every day is heavier and heavier with things I want to say to her, because I know she hates me. I want to call her on it, but I don’t know why. I can barely stand her, either, and there’s just as much bullshit to call me out on. Masen’s been doing it since he got here. Lyla and I are both hypocrites.”

Ryen expresses her feelings about her best friend, Lyla, who is such an awful person that Ryen struggles to be around her, particularly after Ryen meets Masen, whose habit of calling Ryen out for bad behavior causes Ryen to examine herself and her friends more critically. This quote shows how Masen helps Ryen grow as a character, and it relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself as Ryen begins to struggle under the weight of her façade.

“My eyes burn with tears, and I’m so tired. So tired of holding back everything I feel and want to say. So tired of being someone I’m not and making mistakes that I didn’t have any fun making.

I want to feel this. I want to get lost with him for as long as I can.”

As Ryen and Masen become physically intimate in the back of Masen’s truck, Ryen becomes emotional at the sensation of letting down her well-fortified walls. Ryen is exhausted from maintaining the persona she’s crafted, and Masen helps her feel like she can leave it behind. This quote relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself.

“‘Do you lie to him?’

‘Yes,’ I reply honestly. ‘He gets the version of me I want to be.’

For some reason, I feel no shame in admitting that to Masen. With my mom, my sister, my teachers, and my friends, I feel like I’m judged. Like there’s something I need to live up to.

Even with Misha, I feel guilt for never putting my money where my mouth is and hoping he never finds out how awful I can be sometimes. I want him to think the best of me.”

Ryen admits to Masen that she lies to Misha in her letters. Ryen’s narration adds that Ryen is afraid of Misha learning what kind of person she can be. This quote relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself as Ryen shows her own negative opinion of the kind of person she’s become while abandoning her true self—the idealized version she sends to Misha.

“How do you tell your friend—your best friend—that you’ve been right here, under her nose, playing with her like a puppet? That she had no idea the guy who was fucking her Friday night was the boy she grew up with?”

As things between Masen and Ryen escalate, Misha becomes more distraught at the idea of eventually having to come clean and reveal his identity to Ryen. The simile demonstrates Misha’s growing internal conflict, as he feels like Ryen is a puppet on strings whom he, as the puppet master, manipulates without her knowledge. This quote relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself, as Misha encounters difficulties dealing with the consequences of using a second identity to mess with Ryen.

“Misha’s words and my words mix together, running into each other along the wall, and I can’t even remember whose are whose anymore. His thoughts and lyrics, my dreams and musings, his anger, and my confusion about everything in life…Misha is everywhere and I miss him. For a long time, he was my savior.

But Masen makes me feel courage, too.

I don’t need him to fill the void Misha left, but I like how he pushes me and expects more. He’s a reminder of what I want to feel every day, whether it’s with him or on my own. He’s taught me that who I am when I’m with him feels too good to sacrifice for the approval of everyone else.”

Ryen considers the ways both Misha and Masen have impacted her life. While she was always able to be the person she wanted to be with Misha, she’s found herself changing into that person full time with the help of Masen. This quote employs dramatic irony, as Ryen is still unaware that they are the same person. This quote also helps develop the theme of Staying True to Oneself by showing how Ryen is starting to embrace the person she is inside.

“Those letters are everything. They’re her and me, kids just trying to figure themselves out and going through all our growing pains. They’re where I first started to fall for her and need her. They’re my fucking songs and a part of me.

Our history is in those letters. Every beautiful thing she ever said to me to tilt my world on its side.”

After Misha realizes that Ryen has found out his lie and stolen her letters back from his hideout, he narrates how valuable those letters are to him. This quote works to emphasize the significance of the relationship Misha and Ryen built through letters and develops the letters as a symbol of the love they hold for one another.

“I lashed out at Manny because he’s an easy target. Because he’s weaker than me. Because he’s the only thing weaker than me. Everyone else sees through me, and Misha is disgusted by me. He hates me.”

Ryen attends school, still distraught to learn Masen is Misha. She ends up lashing out at Manny in front of Misha, adding to the bullying he’s received throughout the entire novel. Ryen becomes even more upset, recognizing how terrible it was for her to do so, and directs her anger toward herself. This quote relates to the theme of The Consequences of Bullying by showing how Ryen uses bullying to deflect from her weak self, having been bullied in the past.

“I’ve been here before. The uncertainty, the self-hate, the powerlessness…it’s all so familiar. But the last time, I took those feelings and turned them outward, making others feel what I felt. What I didn’t see is that those feelings came from people doing the same thing to me. I feel and fear exactly what they want me to feel and fear.

I won’t respond the same this time. I’m better than this.”

Having alienated herself from her former friend group and angered the people with the most power, Lyla and Trey, Ryen finds herself outside the popular group for the first time since elementary school. She recognizes that her behavior and the way she’s treated people came from the way she was treated and vows to break the cycle. This quote develops the theme of The Consequences of Bullying by emphasizing the cyclical nature of bullying.

“He kept them.

He kept them?

I don’t know why, but I guess I never thought he actually saved them. Why would he? Thinking back, I can’t even remember what they said. Couldn’t have been too interesting if I can’t recall.

The other three boxes are probably filled with letters, too.

‘I can’t believe I wrote you this much,’ I say, a little horrified. ‘You must’ve been so bored with me.’

‘I adored you.’”

When Misha takes Ryen to his bedroom for the first time, Ryen sees the boxes full of her letters, realizing he kept every single one of them. Although Ryen is self-conscious about how much she wrote to Misha, Misha reassures her that he adored her, showing how his affection for Ryen is tied to her letters. This quote develops Misha and Ryen’s letters as a symbol of the love they hold for one another.

“‘And when I started writing you a year later,’ I go on, ‘I needed you so much by that point. I needed someone I could be the person I wanted to be with. I could go back. I could be the girl who was Delilah’s friend again. The girl who stood up to the mean kids and didn’t need a spirit animal, because she was her own.’”

After telling the story about how she abandoned her only friend, Delilah, in fourth grade to join the popular crowd, Ryen explains that she didn’t like the person she became. She used her letters to Misha to go back and be who she wished she had been—who she wishes she could still be. This quote relates to the theme of Staying True to Oneself, as Ryen explains how she used the letters as a way to stay connected to the little girl inside her who was Delilah’s friend and who stood up to the mean kids.

“‘When I was little,’ he goes on. ‘I used to be able to go home and get away from it. But now we’re older. We have social media, and everything they say about me during the day, I get to see online every night.’”

After Ryen finds Manny bleeding in the bathroom, having been attacked by Trey, she tries to comfort him, but Manny explains how much worse the bullying has gotten over the years. Manny no longer has ways to get away from the people who make his life worse, and he turns to drugs as his only escape. This quote relates to The Consequences of Bullying theme by showing how Ryen and her friends make Manny suffer.

“‘I couldn’t stomach anything after that,’ he explains. ‘I stopped writing because I couldn’t talk about it, but I couldn’t talk about anything else, either. I couldn’t carry on like before, and I couldn’t face the reality of her being gone. I felt sick.’ He finally looks over at me. ‘I needed you, but I just didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. Or anyone. I’d changed.’”

Misha finally explains to Ryen why he stopped writing to her three months before he showed up at school as Masen. Misha’s explanation conveys the depth of his grief after losing his sister. This quote relates to the theme of The Importance of Maintaining Close Relationships by showing how Misha needed Ryen when he was going through the worst time of his life, but he didn’t reach out to her and suffered for it.

“The fog machine and heat of so many crowded around is weighing on me, and I reach into my wrist purse and pull out my inhaler. I look around, hesitant. I usually go to the bathroom.

Screw it. Taking a puff, I see J. D. do a double take, but he only looks surprised as I take another one and try to inhale.

‘You okay?’

I nod, giving him a thumbs-up. ‘I’m fine.’”

At prom, Ryen contemplates hiding to use her inhaler, just like she’s done since fourth grade when the popular children made fun of her for having it. She realizes she doesn’t need to hide that part of herself anymore and takes a puff, risking judgment from her friends. J. D. proves Ryen’s concerns to be moot, as he behaves like a regular, supportive friend and makes sure she’s okay without passing judgment on her need for the inhaler. Ryen’s inhaler symbolizes her insecurities that she suppresses around her popular friends. By bringing it out in front of everyone at prom, Ryen shows she’s ready to be herself in all situations, regardless of what her former friends might think. This quote develops the theme of Staying True to Oneself by showing how there are no consequences for Ryen when she allows her friends to know about her inhaler.