Radical Acceptance

In an updated introduction framed by contemporary global crises, the author reflects on holding both joy and sorrow for the world her granddaughters will inherit. This emotional complexity is navigated through Radical Acceptance, a practice presented as a medicine for the “collective spiritual crisis” of separation. The author recounts processing her own anger and fear after the January 6, 2021, Capitol insurrection, demonstrating a mindful path from reactivity to clarity. This approach is encapsulated by Civil Rights leader Ruby Sales's question, "Where does it hurt?", which seeks the pain behind harmful acts. A central tool for healing difficult emotions, introduced in this updated edition, is the RAIN meditation, an acronym for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. This version revises an earlier practice and is explored more fully in the author's book Radical Compassion.

The prologue establishes the core problem the book addresses through a personal story. During a college hiking trip, a friend’s remark about being her “own best friend” triggers deep sadness in the author, revealing her harsh “inner judge” and a core belief that “Something is fundamentally wrong with me.” This feeling of deficiency, which she once imagined as a “transparent orb” separating her from life, is identified as the “trance of unworthiness.” This trance is a pervasive state of feeling insufficient that obscures one’s true nature. The tragedy of this state is illustrated by the story of a meditation student named Marilyn, whose mother’s dying words were, “all my life I thought something was wrong with me.” Radical Acceptance, defined as the combination of two “wings”—mindfulness (clear seeing) and compassion (a tender response to what is seen)—is presented as the antidote.

The first chapter further defines the trance of unworthiness, likening it to a recurring dream of struggle where one is fated to fall short. This state manifests as addiction, depression, pride, and a constant striving that the author experienced even within a spiritual ashram. This feeling is reinforced by the Western cultural myth of "original sin," which contrasts with the Buddhist teaching of inherent "Buddha nature," or essential goodness. The trance is instilled by cultural and parental messages that one must be different to belong. To cope with the pain of inadequacy, people develop strategies like constant self-improvement, playing it safe, self-criticism, and blaming others, all of which ultimately reinforce the trance. This entire cycle is rooted in the mistaken belief in a separate self, which causes one to take all experiences personally.

The path out of the trance is detailed in the second chapter, beginning with the story of Mohini, a zoo tiger who remains confined to an imaginary cage even when moved to a large habitat, illustrating how people stay trapped in old patterns. Radical Acceptance is presented as the way out of this confinement. The author’s personal story of hitting bottom provides a gateway to this practice. After suffering a miscarriage on a spiritual retreat, she is cruelly and publicly blamed by her teacher, causing a complete collapse of her sense of self. In a desert sanctuary, consumed by anguish, she formulates the prayer, “May I love and accept myself just as I am.” This experience leads her to Buddhist vipassana meditation, which focuses on being with life as it is, rather than trying to change it.

The practice begins with the “Sacred Pause,” introduced through the story of pilot Chuck Yeager, who discovered that the only way to survive a high-altitude spin was to let go of the controls. The pause is a suspension of activity that disrupts habitual reactivity. Running from one’s “shadow,” or unacceptable parts, only deepens the trance, as shown through the story of a client named Laura, whose explosive rage is a strategy to avoid her underlying shame. The life of the Buddha serves as a model for the pause, from his childhood memory of peace under a rose apple tree to his final vigil under the bodhi tree, where he mindfully meets the temptations and attacks of the demon Mara. Through therapy, Laura learns to pause when triggered, allowing her to feel her shame and hurt, which ultimately transforms her reactivity and heals her relationships.

The spirit of this practice is “unconditional friendliness.” This is illustrated by the story of Jacob, a psychologist with Alzheimer’s who mindfully names his fear during a public talk, and a tale of the Buddha inviting Mara for tea. Two tools for cultivating this friendliness are inquiry, asking “What is happening?”, and naming, mentally labeling one’s experience. These practices help a friend of the author's named Carl to acknowledge the pain of his business failing. Another practice is saying “yes” to all experiences, which the author demonstrates through her own retreat experience of meeting a storm of negativity with acceptance, thereby dissolving her resistance.

This acceptance is grounded in the body, which is presented as the place where life is directly experienced. The author’s conflict with her teenage son, Narayan, is resolved when she pauses to feel her anger in her body, which allows her to access a more loving presence. The body is the foundation of the “waterfall” of reactivity, as all emotional reactions are rooted in physical sensations. Trauma can cause dissociation from the body, as seen in the story of Rosalie, a survivor of severe childhood abuse. Her healing journey involves a guided visualization of a “good fairy” who locked her pain away in her body for survival, followed by a gradual, mindful return to bodily sensation that allows her to process the stored trauma.

The book then addresses desire, clarifying that the problem is not desire itself but clinging to it. The author recounts her own struggle with a “Vipassana Romance,” a powerful fantasy that consumed her during a silent retreat. This leads to an exploration of the “wanting self,” which emerges from unmet needs for love and pursues substitutes like achievement or addiction. The story of Sarah, a compulsive overeater, illustrates how this wanting self is fueled by shame. Sarah’s breakthrough comes when she realizes her addiction is “not my fault,” a product of conditioning. This self-compassion allows her to be present with her cravings. The author resolves her own fantasy by fully surrendering to the feeling of longing, which transforms into a boundless love for all of life.

Fear is addressed through the story of Barbara, a client whose meditations are flooded with traumatic childhood memories. The “trance of fear” is explained as a state of chronic physical and mental contraction rooted in the ultimate fear of death. Healing begins by finding safety in relationships and cultivating an inner refuge through the Buddhist practice of “taking refuge” in the Buddha, dharma, and sangha. The book details practices for working with fear, including “widening the lens of attention” to create a spacious awareness that can hold fear, and “leaning into fear” to directly contact its raw sensations. Barbara’s healing culminates when she reframes her trauma as a “baptism” that set her on her spiritual path.

Radical Acceptance requires compassion, which is defined as “the quivering of the heart in the face of suffering.” The story of Daniel, a self-critical retreatant, shows how one can learn to hold one’s own pain by placing a hand on the heart and affirming, “I care about this suffering.” For overwhelming guilt, the story of Marian, who feels responsible for her daughter’s abuse, shows that compassion can be found by reaching out to a larger source of mercy. “Mindful prayer” is introduced as a practice that connects one to both this larger source and one’s own inner pain. This leads to the realization that one can be both “the holder and the held,” and that personal pain is part of a universal experience.

A key applied meditation for this process is RAIN, which the author has revised to stand for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. The author details using this four-step process to work through her own shame and guilt while participating in a mixed-race group exploring racism. The practice turns emotional “poison into medicine” by unblocking contracted energy. Its power to heal relationships is shown through the story of Rosa, a single mother whose practice of RAIN transforms her conflict with her teenage son. A shorter, informal “Light RAIN” is also offered for daily use.

The practice of compassion expands in “widening circles” to include all beings, which is the essence of the bodhisattva’s path. This begins with attention, as illustrated by the author’s son Narayan developing compassion for ants on his ant farm. A formal meditation is described through the story of Kim, a retreatant who works through her shame by extending compassion from herself to loved ones, neutral people, a difficult person, and finally all beings. This practice helps dissolve the “trance of the unreal ‘other,’” the state in which we fail to see the humanity of those different from us. When our own heart shuts down, the path is to first offer compassion to our own reactivity, which then allows compassion for others to arise.

This capacity for compassion is rooted in the recognition of “basic goodness,” or Buddha nature, which is the pure, untainted essence of all beings. The story of Amy, who discovers her husband’s affair and is consumed by self-blame, illustrates the journey of forgiveness. Her healing begins when she stops trying to forgive a “self” and instead offers forgiveness directly to her feelings of shame and fear. This opens the gateway to recognizing her own goodness. The practice of metta, or lovingkindness, is then introduced through the story of Matt, who transforms his resentment toward his dying mother into profound love.

Ultimately, healing and awakening happen in relationship, within a spiritual community or sangha. The legend of the knight Parsifal and the story of a student named Anne demonstrate how genuine care and shared vulnerability awaken us from isolation. The book offers specific practices for mindful communication, such as pausing, deep listening, and speaking from the heart. One such practice is kalyanna mitta, or “spiritual friends” groups, which provides a container for this shared awakening, helping a student named Karen navigate a difficult divorce. The realization that pain is not a personal failing but a shared human experience is the ultimate antidote to unworthiness.

The book concludes by exploring the realization of our true nature. The legend of the musk deer, who searches his whole life for a scent that comes from within, illustrates the spiritual quest. Though we may doubt our own Buddha nature, we can follow the Buddha’s example of “touching the earth” by returning to the present moment. The inquiry “Who am I?” is a practice for seeing beyond the illusion of a separate self. In Mahayana Buddhism, our true nature is described as prajnaparamita, the heart of perfect wisdom, an empty, wakeful awareness. The Heart Sutra’s teaching, “Form is emptiness, emptiness is form,” is explained as the truth that this empty awareness is experienced as love when it meets the world. A final Jataka tale of a merchant walking through demons toward a luminous being symbolizes that the path of Radical Acceptance is simply taking one compassionate step at a time into the present moment.