Redefining realness: My path to womanhood, identity, love, & so much more

Mock is back at Aaron’s apartment, explaining to him her identity as a trans woman. Aaron is silent as the truth hangs suspended between them. Mock thinks about heroines in the novels she read as a teenager and how they relate to her positionality. Aaron asks to hug her, and “for the first time in my life, I was recognized in totality” (246). While attending college, Mock had been openly trans and when she went to bars, sometimes guys were told about her identity and they would be confused and angry. In New York, no one knew that she was trans, and Mock was very particular about who she disclosed to. She did not feel like it was anyone’s right to know that she was trans because she felt that that identity would consume other aspects of her identity, and she was too busy on her path to self-discovery of these other aspects. She discusses how her identities have shaped her experience, and the discrimination and microagressions other people have participated in. She understands that she has erased some parts of her identity.

Mock’s relationship with Aaron is complicated, much like her path to discovering her identity: “Aaron refused to commit to me, and I refused to let him go” (250). Aaron says that her identity never made him question his own, which he had interrogated long ago as the only black kid in rural North Dakota and Maine. Their relationship, which oscillates between extreme closeness and total disregard, makes both of them question aspects of themselves: Aaron questions why he is never single and Mock questions if she will ever be truly loved.

Mock forms a deep friendship with Mai, the woman who hires her at People.com. Mai is in the midst of a breakup, and Mock almost discloses to her but pulls back. Eventually, Mock discloses that she is trans and that is why her relationship with Aaron is so complicated. Mai expresses relief because the way that Mock phrased it made her think Mock had killed someone.

One night, Aaron shows up a little drunk outside Mock’s apartment and tells her he loves her. Mock thinks he is going to tell her it’s over, but he climbs into bed with her, and they move in together that spring. Aaron encourages Mock to tell her story and be more visible: “Aaron and the friendship and love and partnership that we’ve built became my foundation, a platform that has fortified my own sense of self, giving me the strength to step out of silence and come forward as my own woman” (254-55).

Mock talks about media portrayals of trans women dating back to the 1950s. She reflects on how cis people often do not understand that transitioning is not the end of the journey. Mock reflects on the problems associated with who has a voice in the LGBTQ movement—often rich white men—and how visibility might help shift entrenched misconceptions. She talks about how it is not a trans person’s burden to disclose to people because they have no responsibility for sharing this aspect of their truth with others unless they feel comfortable. She discusses her privilege in terms of passing. She reflects on how all the experiences and aspects of her identity have shaped her as a person, and that she is slowly working on revealing who she is to the world.