Redefining realness: My path to womanhood, identity, love, & so much more

Elizabeth’s car gets towed, and Rick is in and out of jail. Mock tries to avoid him, enjoying his absences. Mock feels most safe when he is not around as his presence isolates them from the rest of their family and he gets into fights with Papa. Elizabeth talks to her mother frequently on the phone, and Pearl gives them money. Pearl tells Mock to take care of Elizabeth. When Rick comes back, he and Elizabeth get into a huge fight about how she can’t be singularly responsible for the bills, and they all move into a motel, leaving most of their belongings at Cori’s house. Mock feels helpless about their transience: “There was nothing I could do to lift my brothers out of this place, and loyally, I felt my place was beside my mother, whom I didn’t want to leave with Rick” (166). One night, Elizabeth tries to prevent Rick from stabbing a guy in a fit of road rage, and Rick ends up stabbing her, instead. Elizabeth always viewed Rick as an escape from Papa’s abusive volatility, and she liked how broken he was, marrying him in jail although they later divorced. They can’t afford the motel, so they live with Rick’s friend, Nicky. Mock reflects on the shame she felt at her family’s poverty and homelessness, and the terrifying effect it has on Elizabeth, who becomes scarily thin and old from smoking meth. Later, Elizabeth admits she used drugs to escape from the reality of her abusive relationship.

Mock begins hanging out at Merchant Street with Shayna and Wendi. Shayna talks about how she doesn’t have sex for free anymore, and comments on how natural and large Mock’s breasts are, although she makes fun of Wendi and Mock’s hip padding. Shayna has been saving since she was nineteen to attain all the attributes she associates with being her ideal woman, including gender reassignment, breast implants, and various facial surgeries. She asks if they want to work because men will pay more for trans women who still have penises. Mock looks to Wendi, and Wendi shakes her head no. They find sanctuary on Merchant Street, meeting some women who have had surgeries and others who refuse. Mock refers to these women, many of whom turn to sex work, as surviving outlaws: “They came to Merchant Street and took control of their bodies—bodies that were radical in their mere existence in this misogynistic, transphobic, elitist world—because their bodies, their wits, their collective legacy of survival, were tools to care for themselves when their families, our government, and our medical establishment turned their backs” (171). Mock speaks to Simone de Beauvoir’s belief that one becomes rather than is born a woman, as well as Audre Lorde’s belief in identity as self-definition. Mock reflects on how her mother and the women of Merchant Street taught her to take ownership of her life and her body. Mock and Wendi hang out and drink with boys, using sex for validation.

One night, Shayna introduces Mock to her old friend, Max. Mock and Max drive to Max’s nice house, and she gives him a hand-job with baby powder. He asks her to flex her arms and she does. He gives her a Claritin for her allergies and $45—enough to pay for a month of hormones. She tells Wendi what Max made her do, and Wendi laughs that haole(non-native Hawaiian) men are weird. Max becomes Mock’s regular customer, and Mock decides that she will no longer have sex for free as she believes this is the only way she can get what she needs.

Rick gets arrested, and Elizabeth seems relieved. Elizabeth, Mock, and her brothers go to live with Cori, who now has a third child and has picked up their mother’s problems with men. Mock is suspicious of her mother’s attempts to piece back together their lives, even though Elizabeth gets a steady job and their own apartment and generally starts being an attentive parent: “This didn’t impress me, because she had already failed me. Mom had lost my trust, just like my father the day he put that pipe to his mouth” (180). Mock continues to get sent home by the vice principal for wearing skirts, and when she explains what is going on to her mother, Elizabeth transfers her to Farrington, with Wendi and Chad. She starts advocating for Mock at her new school, stressing her gender and name, and the administrators work with her to make Mock more comfortable. Mock’s male peers attempt to alleviate their lust over her breasts by teasing her about her sex change, but her teacher/the football coach threatens them with benching for the season.

At Farrington, there is also a Teen Center with its own support group, Chrysalis, for transgender students. Chrysalis is run by Alison, “the first everyday trans woman I had ever met. I had seen trans women only at night, on the streets or performing in pageants and clubs” (182). Alison brings in guest speakers and makes Wendi and Mock feel comfortable. Farrington has a history in Mock’s family, and she sees Chad as carrying on the family tradition, so she worries about her transfer affecting him, but Chad never mentions it.

Mock hasn’t spoken to her father since she started identifying as Janet, but eventually encloses a yearbook picture in a letter she writes to him. She is sure he won’t accept her, and if that is the case, she cannot talk to him although she does love him. After she mails it, she has doubts about how harsh her tone sounds but feels it is for the best and is no longer afraid of her father. Her father’s return letter surprises her, as he comments on how nice she looks although he feels disrespected by her ultimatum. He maintains he will always love her. Years later, Mock realizes she did not give her father the same benefit of the doubt she gave her mother.

Wendi starts skipping school or coming in hungover after a night of partying, spending most of her time on Merchant Street. Mock judges Wendi, who ultimately drops out for cosmetology school. Mock remembers always being jealous of Wendi, from her appearance to her unapologetic air. Although she at first is hurt that Wendi is leaving her behind, Mock is able “to step out of the shadow of our friendship and find myself” (187). She makes new friends, becomes a peer mediator under Alison’s tutelage. She tells her about Merchant Street, although she denies her sex work. She talks about the prohibitive cost of gender reassignment surgery, which she has always wanted, although Alison advises her that GRS does not make her a woman. Mock gets a job at a boutique store at the mall, and enjoys a certain amount of freedom in that many people do not know she is trans. She believes the Merchant Street girls would have laughed at her salary: “When your self-identity and worth are tied up in how much you can make and how many men want you, it can be hard to see value in doing anything else” (189).

Kahlúa, one of the market street girls, comes by to show off her gender reassignment surgery, paid for by her new fiancé who fell in love with her at first sight. The girls are all very jealous, although Mock doesn’t want a man to pay for her surgery because she will feel like he owns her. At the behest of Shayna, Kahlúa exposes her new vagina for the other girls, who all comment on how nice it looks and how well it’s healing. Mock thinks it looks grisly but decides she will also go to Thailand for her surgery. Mock gets the name of the surgeon from Kahlúa on a napkin: “It became my ticket to freedom” (192).

Mock reflects on the influence of pop culture in her life, one of the most pivotal moments being when she saw Beyoncé on MTV and felt empowered and validated by her presence. Mock becomes obsessed with Destiny’s Child, which is supported by her brothers recording their televised performances and her mother getting her copies of magazines that profiled them. Mock starts copying Beyoncé’s appearance: “She was my style icon, the epitome of a graceful, talented, strong woman” (194). This new empowerment sharply contrasts with the continued discrimination and bullying Mock suffers at the hands of her classmates. One day, some kids follow her home, calling her Charles and throwing rocks at her. Mock does not turn to face them and cries in her room. Mock continues to excel in school, winning a speech contest and being a finalist for a full-tuition scholarship to University of Hawai’i, which Mock isn’t as excited about but applied to because she didn’t want to leave Hawaii without having surgery. The competition for the scholarship is stiff, as other girls who are more academic are in the running, and Mock doesn’t believe she will win. During the interview, Mock is surprised that the adults on the panel are in awe of her accomplishments. Overwhelmed with emotion, Mock starts crying and answers that she honestly doesn’t think about it. She gets the award, and in the paper is referred to as the daughter of Elizabeth Mock.

Mock begins college in the fall of 2001, the excitement of which is impeded by the death of Aaliyah and 9/11. Mock realizes she does not want to die before getting a chance to live as her true self. Mock grows more and more disgusted by her penis and her sex work, although she never resorts to physically harming herself like other trans youth sometimes do. Mock decides to do everything in her power to have her surgery by the end of the year, engaging in sex work full-time on Market Street. She argues against many people’s ideas that sex work is not real work, saying that it was the only avenue for her to obtain what she needed. She corresponds with Kahlúa’s doctor in Thailand, setting a December date for her surgery and giving her initial deposit. She goes to a Beyoncé concert, and begins to feel her future is starting to look up: “I had started to study my horizon, energized by the possibility of what was to come” (201).

Mock works full-time at Merchant Street: “After I’d jumped in one man’s car, jumping in another wasn’t anything of note” (203). She talks about how the gearshift was always in the way because she refused to go in the backseat as it gave her date too much freedom and made her uncomfortable. There is a sense of comradery with the other Merchant Street women, who teach her the tricks of the trade, look out for cops, and make sure that Mock gets tested for HIV. Mock sets ground rules based on her concept of womanhood, although she breaks many of these due to her impending surgery date and expenses. One rule is law on Merchant Street: don’t lower your prices. The girls warn each other about men who try to negotiate and scare off these cheap dates. They tell each other what to do about cops, asking for donations instead of money or asking to touch a date’s penis to make sure he wasn’t undercover. Mock doesn’t get caught, but Wendi, who is impatient, does, although her record is expunged when she turns eighteen. Mock reflects on the fact that many female prisoners and sex workers are women of color, and trans sex workers who are arrested are placed according to their genitals, which makes them vulnerable.

Mock makes most of her money on the weekends, and most men who are with her want a “woman who had something extra […] a rare sex goddess” (206). For many, she was the first trans woman they had sex with. She talks about the vulnerability of trans women, who are seen as less desirable and therefore a shameful secret.

She talks about the double-edged sword of sex work, as she is grateful that she was able to earn money, but she did not enjoy it. She feels these older men “didn’t know me; they wanted to occupy me” (207). She almost felt respected by her regulars, and there were certain elements of kindness there, although she never thought about them outside of her time with them: “For me to know or care about my dates would mean admitting that I accepted the cruelty of the situation” (208). She spends her days at college and her nights on Merchant Street, sometimes not sleeping in between. The Merchant Street girls help her out and cheer her on, wanting her to make it out. She compartmentalizes to be able to deal with this cognitive dissonance, which she has done when dealing with stressful situations throughout her entire life.

Every night, while her brothers were getting ready for bed, she would be picked up by her friend and driven to Merchant Street where they would swap stories and details about weird dates and potential safety issues. Mock stops caring whether people know what she’s doing or not, and one day when her mother is complaining about the electricity bill, Mock nonchalantly gives her $120 for it. Mock wants her mother to ask questions about where it came from, but Elizabeth assumes Mock can handle herself. Chad, on the other hand, worries about Mock. He knows she’s doing what she has to, but he hates that sex work is the only way. Although she can now look at her young self with compassion, for many years Mock blamed herself for being a sex worker. Mock reflects on how sexual abuse can pave the way to sex work, and how trans youth of color are especially vulnerable. She reflects on how people see the poor as disposable, and so she used her only asset—her body—to obtain the resources refused to her by an uncaring system. She reflects on the disproportionate number of trans women of color affected by hate violence.

On a night in November, a date pulls up in a van, trying to talk to Mock. Mock tells him she doesn’t date men in vans, but he is persistent, listing the names of her friends he has dated before. She gets in, pushing down her intuition that this is a bad idea. He asks her to show him her breasts and tries to get her to fellate and then masturbate him without a condom. Mock is getting more nervous, but he agrees to increase the rate to two hundred, given to her in advance. She gives him a hand job, although she realizes that he is high mid-way. When he drops her off, he pulls a knife on her and demands her purse. Mock tries to get away, and he slams her head into the car. Mock succeeds in getting out of the car, but the guy manages to get away with her purse and a fistful of hair.

She calls the cops, who do not believe sex workers can be victims. Ashamed, Mock decides not to press charges and calls one of her regulars—a pornography photographer of trans women—to pick her up. She stays at his place, and he makes her breakfast and offers to pay for her surgery. Mock refuses: “I couldn’t imagine looking between my legs and thinking of Sam’s pity disguised as love for the rest of my life” (219). She declines because she does not want to be his woman, but asks if she can get paid to be in porn. Sam tries to dissuade her.

Mock reflects on how embarrassed she is by her decision to be in porn, and how she debated whether or not she had to share this part of her experience. She goes with Sam’s friend, Felix, to pick out lingerie, initially choosing a black set that Felix says is too boring. He chooses a white lingerie set: “Felix’s choice was sweet, innocent, virginal. I picked a Brazilian-cut bathing suit, which was more grown-up, like the seductress I felt men wanted in their beds” (222). They go to Felix’s MTV-worthy house, and Felix gives her Viagra, so she can maintain an erection despite her estrogen hormone replacement. As Mock gets ready, she feels like this is no different from every night she spent on Merchant Street. Mock poses for Felix and he has sex with her, exposing her to the camera while remaining more or less hidden from view himself. She schedules another shoot, making her fee an even $1500. She showers and feels accomplished. Later that month, she earns enough for her surgery and is relieved, although she later has to deal with the psychological repercussions of this decision.

When she looks back on clips from the video years later, “what strikes me isn’t the rawness of the shoot but my youth” (224). She sees how desperate and young she is. She does not think about the growth of the Internet and how these images—“the objectifying male gaze, immortalizing the one part of my body that brought me so much anguish” (225)—will be available to strangers and friends forever. She says no one can run away from the truth of his or her past, they can only face it.

Mock discusses how her journey is more about self-discovery than about gender and genitalia, which most cis people do not understand. She travels to Bangkok and although she is alone is a foreign country, she is pleased that she made it herself. She is met at the airport by her doctor’s assistants and is surprised by “the unplanned juxtaposition of wealth and poverty” (228). Her doctor is very supportive, skilled, and respectful, which is rare for trans people. He examines her and says that she will probably be able to achieve an orgasm in time. She signs the consent form, although she pauses over the possibility of death, realizing she never said good-bye or asked the feelings or opinions of her family members. She gives the assistant the rest of the money, and the doctor thanks her for trusting him to make her more happy, which is when Mock realizes that this is just another step closer to her living her truth, but that happiness will require more work. She prepares for the surgery, calling her mother briefly. She does not sleep well. The doctor tells her that today is her new birthday, and she counts backward from 100 and passes out from the anesthesia.

She wakes up and feels like she needs to pee, although she is heavily drugged. The doctor examines her, telling her the surgery went well and that she should rest. She thinks about her father and how he showed her how to be independent: “Those intense months before my surgery, I kept afloat as Dad had taught me, blindly moving toward my destination” (233). She realizes she cannot celebrate because she is alone. At first, she remembers being annoyed when her father would speak about how similar they were because of how much his actions had hurt everyone in the family, whereas Mock did not feel like her decisions hurt people. However, she realizes that she alienated people in her quest towards contentment, and now she feels hurt by isolation.

Another patient, Genie, joins her in recovery, and Mock is relieved for the company. They talk about their lives, and Genie reveals that she lived as a married engineer with a son for more than forty years before transitioning. In her quest to understand her identity, she ended up losing her family, her home, and her career, and many of her friends rejected her. Mock realizes that truth has consequences. Genie discusses her new partner, another trans woman, who has been her rock in this trying time. Mock reflects on how different her life is and has been from Genie’s, realizing that Mock was brave because she had nothing to lose. Mock is bitter about Genie’s relative economic stability because Mock is broke after this trip. Genie marvels at Mock’s alleged passability as “young, attractive, and cis[…] [comments which are reflective of] many people’s romanticized notions about trans women who transition at a young age” (236). Genie and Mock grow close and on the fourth day, the doctor removes the gauze and Mock pees by herself for the first time, although unsuccessfully. Mock must continue to dilate herself for a year so that her vagina maintains the intended depth. “Still, it would take me years to feel at ease in my body” (238).

Mock calls home for Christmas, feeling guilty about abandoning her family. She returns home a few days later, and her mom cries, saying she should have been there with her. Mock realizes that her mother is just a woman with her own flaws and desires, and that it is unfair to project some ideal onto her who does not exist. Elizabeth expresses how she felt she never had to worry about Mock because of her independence, but now she feels she failed her. Mock realizes that she is grateful for both of her parents and their love, although she neither agrees with them nor likes them all of the time. Her mother nurses her back to health. Mock reflects on how much her mother and siblings have grown. She realizes this at Chad’s wedding dance with Elizabeth. Mock feels at peace.