“I love it! 

At least I think I do. 

I always have loved it, 

so surely this year will be the same. 

School itself is neither here nor there 

but all the kids and clubs and stuff? 

That’s the fun part. 

Right? 

It always has been. 

So I’m sure it will be that way 

this year, too.”

Kate tries to convince herself that she will enjoy seventh grade because she has always told herself she has enjoyed school in the past. However, the questions interspersed with her declarative, assertive statements destabilize the narrative tone, implying that Kate isn’t as sure of herself as she is pretending to be. She feels that she isn’t allowed to admit that she is worried about the year because she is unaccustomed to owning her feelings and expressing herself.

“Weirdly, I want to throw 

the box, 

bounce it off her head 

like Tam did with the ball 

and that stupid kid. 

But I don’t. 

I let her kiss my cheek. 

I say, 

Thank you. 

I love you. 

And as she shuts my door. 

I put the lipstick, 

unopened, 

in my desk drawer.”

Kate’s desire to throw the lipstick box that her mom gives her conveys her innate discomfort with trying to behave and present in the way her mom wants her to. Kate isn’t a stereotypical middle school girl, but her mom has imposed this identity on her. However, Kate doesn’t tell her mom how she feels; instead, she waits until her mom has left the room to hide the lipstick in her desk. Her actions show that she is still reluctant to own her identity, for fear of disappointing others.

“Did I have a good day? 

It felt mostly…the same. 

But there was a tiny light 

something different 

I wonder 

will it still be there tomorrow? 

This new discovery 

A lightness 

A spark— 

Of something new.”

In Tam’s first-person poem, Tam reflects on her passing interactions with Kate. She compares Kate to “a tiny light,” “a lightness,” and “a spark,” metaphors that capture Kate’s positive effect on Tam. Kate “brightens” Tam’s day and offers her excitement and intrigue. Tam is developing feelings for Kate even though they are just getting acquainted. This poem foreshadows how the girls’ relationship will develop and the lasting impact they’ll have on each other.

“If you want, 

you can meet me at my house 

tonight, 

and we’ll go over 

together. 

I’ll get you a good seat 

so you can see the game 

and, um, 

me. 

My mouth keeps talking 

and I keep wondering 

why I’m saying these things. 

Bring someone with me? 

When I should be focusing? 

Prepping for the game? 

Mom is going to freak.”

Kate boldly invites Tam into her personal life by asking Tam to join her at her house and attend her game. Kate feels as if she is hearing herself “say these things” because she does not normally express herself in this assertive way. She knows she should “be focusing” and “prepping for the game” and that her mom is “going to freak,” but she asks Tam anyway. Her interaction with Tam represents her true desires, while the worried questions she asks herself represent her anxiety over meeting others’ expectations.

“I can’t see that well. 

I can’t hear that well. 

But it doesn’t matter. 

None of it matters. 

I race around, 

high-five the crowd, 

I dance, 

I goof, 

I sweat, 

I’m a mess. 

And oh man, it’s so much fun, 

so 

much 

fun.”

The way Kate behaves when she is dressed as the mascot represents her true self. She “races,” “dances,” and “goofs,” because she feels uninhibited when she is the Falcon. Her use of enjambment—the line breaks—in this poem enacts her excited, energetic emotions. Being the Falcon frees her to play with self-expression. Delighting in her new mascot role is an essential part of her Journey Toward Claiming Queer Identity, a primary narrative theme.

“Bookshelves smile 

under the weight of so many books. 

They curve and curl 

looking soft 

like a grandma’s lap, 

piled high 

with all the best things. 

Paths worn in the carpet 

show years of feet 

wandering to the kitchen 

running to the bathroom 

tip-toeing to the den.”

Kate’s detailed description of Tam’s house in this poem enacts her curiosity over Tam’s home space—a realm that contrasts with her own. Whereas Kate’s house is pristine, Tam’s home is filled with bowed bookshelves, books, and soft carpeting, all of which reflect use and comfort. She compares the bowed shelves to “smiles” and the curved books to “a grandma’s lap,” metaphors that evoke notions of domestic and familial warmth. Kate is intrigued by the space because it is so different from her own.

“I am in the zone 

until I hear a squeal, 

a high-pitched cheer 

that jots 

a lightning bolt 

through my belly 

and my eyes leave the court 

and there she is 

ponytail bright 

under the lights 

her squeal echoing in my ears 

and I miss the point. 

I miss the point!”

When Kate attends Tam’s volleyball game, Tam gets distracted and misses a point, which shows that she cares what Kate thinks about her. Tam isn’t changing herself to meet Kate’s expectations, but she does get nervous about doing well while Kate is in the stands. This moment makes Tam realize how much she cares about Kate and marks a turning point in their dynamic.

“IS this bracelet me? 

Or is it the me 

I want Kate to see? 

Would I ever wear this normally? 

What even IS normally 

these days? 

Yea, it’s ME, okay?! 

Hey. 

What? 

It’s ABSOLUTELY me! 

The perfect me! 

The exact me! 

There has been nothing more ME 

than this bracelet, 

dude.”

After Levi questions why Tam is wearing the bracelet from Kate, Tam experiences a moment of self-doubt. Her internal monologue in this poem conveys her fear of changing herself in a way that doesn’t reflect who she really is. She asks herself a series of questions about the bracelet and Kate because she is trying to understand what she wants and how she feels. Her assertive lines of dialogue—represented in the italicized lines at the passage’s end—create a defensive tone; Tam wants to believe that she isn’t changing in a bad way.

“Her pinkie bumped my pinkie 

as we walked to class. 

Then it bumped again, 

a little sideswipe, 

a little grin. 

And then once more, 

a pinkie tap, 

a little Morse cord, 

saying hello. 

Then a third time, 

a gentle crash; 

but this time 

my pinkie curled, 

it clasped, 

making a grab, 

making a catch 

a trapeze artist 

mid-air grasp, 

and her pinkie clasped too, 

and they caught together, 

swinging, 

monkey tails 

in the zoo. 

Tangled-up pinkies 

curled up together, 

swinging, 

clinging, 

knowing exactly what to do.”

Throughout the novel, the recurring images of Kate and Tam’s pinkies brushing up against or clasping onto each other convey how their relationship is developing. When they first start holding pinkies in this poem, Tam is overwhelmed by emotion. Her use of metaphors conveys how meaningful this innocent physical contact is to her. She compares their touching pinkies to “Morse code,” “a gentle crash,” “a trapeze artist,” and “monkey tails […] curled up together,” images that illustrate how the girls are communicating with each other and comforting each other with touch.

“A museum 

of the Perfect Life 

with plenty of 

Perfectly New Furniture and 

Perfectly Clean Bedrooms. 

A house where you 

take off your shoes, 

leave them neatly by the door, 

where there’s a living room 

no one goes in a dining room 

just for show.”

Tam’s observations of Kate’s home reveal how differently Kate lives from Tam. Tam likens her home to “a museum,” and she repeatedly uses the words “perfect” and “perfectly” in her description. The house is so pristine that it does not look like it is lived in. The space more closely resembles a showroom than a family home; the house has a sterile, cold mood that echoes Kate’s familial relationships. Even at home, Kate is expected to be perfect.

“Sit with her, 

see how she’s doing. 

She’s your best friend, 

why would you ignore her? 

I’m not ignoring her, 

I just… 

I don’t know. 

She’s not who I want 

to talk to 

right now. 

But here I go… 

a diplomat. 

a leader. 

a captain.”

Kate’s mom confronts Kate about her relationship with her teammate Becca when she thinks Kate has stopped being friends with her; she fears her daughter is acting out of character. Kate privately knows that she isn’t “ignoring” Becca, but she isn’t bold enough to tell her mom why they aren’t talking as much. Instead, she plays the part of the “diplomat,” “leader,” and “captain” and does what her mom says; the passage furthers the theme of striving for perfection due to parental and social expectations.

“Mom thinks we should: 

call Coach back 

set up a meeting 

discuss my cheering 

and put this Falcon thing 

behind us. 

Because you love cheer, 

Katherine. 

You always have. 

Don’t settle for being regular 

when you know you can be better.”

This poem alternates between lines of dialogue and lines of internal monologue to enact Kate’s conflict between who others want her to be and who she wants to be. Privately, Kate knows that she wants to keep being the Falcon, but her mom is pressuring her to be someone else—the quintessential cheer role model. Instead of asking Kate what she wants or what she is going through, her mom tells Kate who she is: “you love cheer,” “you always have,” and “you can be better.” The passage underscores the theme of striving for perfection due to parental and social expectations.

“The squad disperses, 

chattering down the hall 

and I don’t know what it is… 

the mascot stuff? 

Tam’s pinkies? 

Jill? 

I’m feeling more and more… 

apart from the squad somehow.”

The image of the squad dispensing is a metaphor for Kate’s confused social feelings. Kate feels as if she is more “apart from the squad somehow” but can’t justify why. She asks herself if her feelings of “unbelonging” relate to the Falcon, Tam, or her sister, but she does not land on an answer. The use of questions here creates a searching tone, which mirrors Kate’s internal experience. She is trying to understand who she is, thus furthering the theme of the journey toward claiming queer identity.

“The squad looks at me 

like Tam just peed in their cornflakes 

and what can I do? 

Confess that I, too, 

don’t care about this band? 

That I would rather be 

outside under a tree 

in the quiet 

with Tam next to me? 

Instead, I sigh. 

Why are you so weird 

about this dumb band?”

The way Kate responds to Tam’s outburst about MisDirection at her shirt-decorating party with the squad conveys Kate’s fear of not fitting in. Before responding to Tam, Kate observes her cheer teammates to see how they are reacting to Tam’s opinions. Tam is in the minority, so Kate sides with the majority opinion that MisDirection is cool and Tam is weird for not liking them. At this juncture of the novel, Kate is still too afraid to claim her feelings, identity, and opinions if they don’t align with those of her peers’.

“But I can’t say 

out loud 

what I think I’m figuring out. 

That I want Kate to look at me 

like she looks at that poster. 

That I want to be 

her star. 

I just do, 

is what I actually say 

and Frankie nods. 

And I feel the feelings, 

I feel the stupid, 

I feel confusion and…shame? 

I feel it crawling all over 

my scrunched-up 

face.”

Tam’s visit with Frankie furthers the theme of Finding Safety and Affirmation in Loving Relationships. Although Tam struggles to articulate everything that she is experiencing, Frankie gives her the space to “feel her feelings,” no matter how messy they might be. She is one-on-one with Frankie, but Frankie only nods—offering room for Tam to feel everything from “stupidity” to “confusion” to “shame.”

“I don’t think I can figure out a way 

for there to just be a me-me 

who fits everywhere. 

I don’t know how to fit Tam 

into all of my worlds, 

so can’t I keep her separate? 

Do you think that would be okay with her? 

Do you think that would work?”

Kate’s conversation with her sister Jill marks a turning point in her journey toward claiming queer identity. For the first time in the novel, Kate is owning her fear of giving up one identity to embrace another. She does not know how to reconcile her competing versions of self and is asking her sister how she might do so. She speaks in an unbridled way, which shows that she is comfortable with Jill, who gives her a safe space to talk, question, and feel.

“My heart starts to beat 

Faster

harder 

scarier 

and how did I never worry before? 

About everyone seeing our pinkies? 

About what they all might think? 

Has everyone always seen the pinkies? 

And no one said anything? 

I mean, kids link pinkies sometimes, 

so what. 

Kids hold hands sometimes, 

who cares? 

Probably no one cares.”

Kate’s internal monologue in this poem conveys her fear of being judged and rejected by others. Until this scene, Kate doesn’t think about how others are perceiving her and Tam’s new finger-holding habit. As soon as she keys into the fact that people might be watching them, she becomes self-conscious. She is still struggling to own her queer identity without fear or shame. She is still learning that it is okay to be different.

“Kate. Please. Stop. 

Kate. Please. Stop. 

It feels like those are the only words 

anyone ever says to me. 

Kate, don’t do that. 

Kate, do this other thing. 

Kate, you’re better than that. 

Kate, look at what you can be. 

Look at what I can be. 

Something no one likes 

or believes. 

This girl, 

this stupid girl, 

with deviant pinkies.”

In this poem, Kate’s emotions intensify because she is tired of trying to please everyone around her. She feels like everyone is always telling her to stop, to change, and to do better. She feels overwhelmed by all this constant expectation to be perfect. The clipped syntax and irregular enjambment create a choppy tone and angsty mood that mirror Kate’s internal experience. She has finally had enough of striving for perfection due to parental and social expectations.

“Of course, 

I lied. 

She’s really excited. 

She wants me to be happy 

and when I said happy 

my voice kind of choked 

making me cough, 

tears rising 

until I swallowed / hard, 

composed myself.”

Kate has an emotional response to the lie she tells her coach about her mom because she wishes that her mom did, in fact, prioritize her happiness. She wants to be the Falcon and knows her mom doesn’t approve. Telling her coach that her mom is, of course, supportive makes her “choke,” “cough,” and tear up, physical responses to her emotional tension. She is nearing her proverbial “bursting” point, which the author shows through these bodily noises and eruptions. However, at this point, Kate can still swallow and push down her feelings; she is still trying to convince herself and others that she is someone she’s not.

“Tam doesn’t understand. 

Tam doesn’t understand? 

TAM DOESN’T UNDERSTAND!? 

GAH 

I COULD SCREEEEAAAAM! 

Of course she doesn’t! 

She never could! 

Things are so easy for her! 

She just does her thing! 

Tam is Tam! 

No one cares! 

She knows what she wants! 

So she gets what she wants! 

How?! Beats me! 

Everything 

EVERYTHING 

is so easy 

for Tam!”

The use of repetition, punctuation, and capitalization in this poem creates an intense, angry, frustrated tone that mirrors Kate’s mood. Kate is upset because she does not feel that Tam understands her experience. Tam seems to believe that it is easy to be yourself and ignore what other people think, while this feels impossible for Kate. Her internal “explosion” of emotion foreshadows the moment she finally “breaks” near the novel’s end and owns her true feelings and identity.

“She doesn’t know anything 

at all 

about being president. 

I mean, 

come on. She probably things 

class president 

can do dumb things 

like tell teachers what to teach 

and get soda in the cafeteria. 

[…] 

She has no idea 

what she’s doing. 

I’m not worried. 

Seriously.”

Tam feels hurt when she overhears Kate making derogatory remarks about her in relation to the class presidency. Kate is trying to squash her true self, and to do so, she feels that she must slander Tam. Kate is acting like someone she’s not; insulting Tam is a way for her to attempt to separate herself from her friend and deny her feelings for Tam.

“Why did you even come here today? 

My voice just as fiery, just as hot. 

This is a party for normal girls, you know. 

Maybe not the best fit / for your type. 

The words shoot out of my mouth, 

even as my brain slows down 

and I hear 

what she said 

over and over 

again.”

Kate’s outburst at the party reveals her fear of claiming her queer identity. Kate knows she has feelings for Tam but does not want the cheer squad to know. She insults Tam in front of her friends, accusing her of being “abnormal” and not belonging at the party because Kate is terrified of being rejected by her cheer friends. The moment marks a turning point in the novel and amplifies the stakes of Tam and Kate’s relationship. Kate will have to make a choice about accepting who she is, and that means being honest with Tam, her cheer friends, and herself.

“Becca is gone now 

and I feel really, super calm. 

No more throwing up. 

No more churning guts. 

I can’t believe I said all of that out loud. 

To her. 

To Mom. 

And now 

I can’t believe neither of them 

seems to hate me 

at all.”

Kate’s internal monologue in this poem creates a placid mood, which mirrors Kate’s emotional experience. Kate is marveling at how easy it was, after all, to tell her mom and friend about who she is and what she wants. Whereas hiding her true identity made her feel sick—her guts churning—claiming her identity makes her feel “really, super calm.” The passage underscores the importance of following your heart over following others’ expectations.