Redwood and Ponytail
58 pages • 1-hour read
K. A. HoltRedwood and Ponytail
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Themes
Striving for Perfection Due to Parental and Social Expectations
Kate’s portion of the novel explores the negative repercussions of attempting to mask your true identity to please others. Kate presents in a more stereotypically feminine way. She has long, lustrous hair that she wears in a ponytail and is head of her cheer squad. Although Kate understands that she is supposed to be the “prettiest girl in school” and “the smartest, most talented girl, too” (40), meeting Tam changes how she sees herself. With Tam, she both develops feelings for a girl for the first time and discovers the emotional freedom of following her heart. Despite their connection, Kate lives with constant pressure from her mom to be someone she isn’t. Kate’s mom wants Kate to uphold a perfect facade. Desperate not to disappoint her the way her sister Jill did, Kate does everything in her power to make her mom happy. However, the longer she contorts herself to satisfy her mom’s impossible expectations, the more trapped Kate feels.
The narrative uses the recurring image of Kate’s Falcon mascot costume and Kate’s MisDirection posters to represent the struggle Kate feels between others’ expectations of who she should be and her personal desires. When Kate first volunteers to be the school mascot, she knows that her mom won’t approve. However, she soon discovers that being the mascot is even more freeing than she expected: “Who knew being the mascot / could be so fun? / I flapped and ran / and leapt and spun / and yes it was sweaty / and yes it didn’t smell great / but all in all / this turned out / to be a pretty fun day” (31). The mascot comes to represent Kate’s truest self—fun and vibrant, if messy and imperfect. When she is wearing the Falcon costume, she is free to jump around and enjoy herself without fear of being judged. However, Kate is still hiding behind the Falcon head, and she is reluctant to tell her mom and teammates that she, in fact, enjoys the role better than cheering. The same is true of MisDirection. For years, Kate has felt obligated to like the boy band. This is the sort of music girls her age are supposed to like; plus, all of her cheer friends love the band, too. The more time she spends with Tam, however, the less interested she feels in the band. When she stares at the poster in the poem “Kate: I stare at MisDirection,” she waits for her “heart [to] beat faster” and her “stomach [to] twist” (230), but she feels nothing; she tells herself if she “keep[s] faking it, / going all silly and giggly, / like Becca and the girls, / maybe [she’ll] get it” (230). This moment marks a turning point: Kate is beginning to realize that the version of her she has been for her friends is not the real her. The same is true in the context of her mom: The version of her she enacts to please her mom contradicts her true self.
Over the course of the novel, Kate learns to let go of others’ expectations and embrace the messiness of her own experience. Kate has lived in constant fear of letting others down. She tries to be perfect to please others, but her attempts at perfection prove both impossible and debilitating. Once Kate admits that she can and does not want to be perfect, she is able to pursue her own desires. By the novel’s end, she is striving for authenticity instead of perfection.
Journey Toward Claiming Queer Identity
Redwood and Ponytail is an LGBTQ coming-of-age novel that traces Kate’s and Tam’s distinct journeys toward self-acceptance. When Kate and Tam begin seventh grade, they assume their school years will be the same as every other year before. Tam expects to play volleyball, see Levi in every class, and hang out with her best friend in her spare time. Kate expects to strive for captain of the cheer squad, hang out with her cheer teammates, and excel in her classes—making her mom proud. When the two meet on the first day of seventh grade, everything changes, and they find themselves embarking upon a deeper, existential quest for their authentic selves.
Kate and Tam’s connection inspires each girl to confront who she is, what she wants, and how to follow her heart. For Kate, this means letting go of the “perfect” and “normal” girl she’s historically told herself she has to be. In the poem “Kate: I don’t want her to leave,” Kate kicks Tam out of her squad shirt-decorating party because she feels like Tam is embarrassing her in front of her “real” friends. Immediately after Tam leaves, however, Kate starts “to feel this heaviness / in [her] chest” (240)—a physiological weight that she feels is inspired by an impending sense of loss. If she admits to the squad that she likes Tam, she fears she will lose the version of herself that she understands in relation to these girls; if she tells Tam that she has no interest in their relationship, she will lose the version of herself she was beginning to discover alongside Tam. Over the course of the novel, Kate vacillates between these competing versions of herself, perpetually unsure who she wants to be. Meanwhile, Tam feels as if Kate’s fear and indecisiveness are tugging her into situations and social spheres where she knows she doesn’t belong: “I don’t fit anywhere,” she tells herself after Kate kicks her out of her house: “Especially with girls like that. / I’ve always been the one on the outside, / the weirdo book / that doesn’t fit on any shelf” (241). Tam is historically more comfortable with her differences, but her and Kate’s relationship tests her self-confidence.
Over the course of the novel, both Tam and Kate have to learn to embrace their differences in order to claim their authentic queer identities. Once they stop allowing others’ judgment to shame them for who they are, they are more ready to accept their true identities with pride.
Finding Safety and Affirmation in Loving Relationships
Kate’s and Tam’s individual and intersecting self-discovery journeys teach them that they need support through life’s challenges. At the start of the novel, Kate and Tam bond over their parallel feelings of loneliness and isolation. They both have friends at school but are accustomed to feeling like outsiders. Kate is always trying to please her mom and her friends, but never gets the chance to be herself. She has no one she can confide in about her private hopes, longings, and dreams. Her mom is domineering and intolerant, and her sister has been absent for four years. Meanwhile, Tam is an only child whose mother’s intense investment in her often feels overbearing. Tam is sometimes mistaken for a boy at school and finds herself on the defensive when people make fun of her for being different. Because of these conflicts, Tam and Kate need love, connection, and encouragement.
The archetypal guide figures whom the two protagonists learn to lean on offer them counsel and affirmation through their coming-of-age journeys. For Kate, her sister Jill emerges as an unexpected support system. Jill returns to town at the start of the novel after disappearing to join the Navy four years earlier. Kate quickly learns that, unlike her mom, Jill genuinely wants to know who Kate is and to invest in her life. Over the course of the novel, Kate leans on Jill more and more. The recurring scenes of them meeting up, taking drives, or going out for food convey their growing intimacy—an unconditional bond Kate needs in order to grow. Jill both listens to and challenges Kate; she ultimately compels Kate to come out to her mom, to confess her feelings to Tam, and to own who she really is. Meanwhile, Tam finds an archetypal guide in her elderly neighbor Frankie. She is “like a grandma, / but not related” (55), and she assumes a similarly grandmotherly role in Tam’s story: “The more she stays quiet, / the more I talk, / a signature move / of the Neighma Team” (57). Whereas Tam’s mom overwhelms her with questions and concerns, Frankie knows how to stay quiet and give Tam the space she needs to process, emote, and express herself. Just as Kate’s interactions with Jill accumulate over the course of the novel, so, too, do Tam’s interactions with Frankie. The more challenges she faces at school and in her relationships, the more often she goes to Frankie; Frankie offers Tam a consistent, listening ear.
Kate’s and Tam’s mentoring relationships gradually grant them the confidence to be themselves and to mature in a way that feels true to each of them. At the start of the novel, both girls feel hesitant, worried about throwing themselves into a committed romantic relationship, trying new things, and spending time with new people. With the help of characters like Jill and Frankie, Kate and Tam gain the confidence to take risks and explore without fear. These dynamics imply that growing up requires a lot of support and love, especially from people who offer unconditional love and validation.
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