Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

In this chapter, Thomas challenges the modern expectation that romantic feelings should form the primary foundation for marriage, arguing instead that marriage serves as a pathway toward spiritual growth and holiness rather than perpetual happiness. He traces how the concept of romantic love as central to marriage emerged relatively recently in human history, gaining prominence around the late 11th century and receiving significant reinforcement through 18th-century Romantic poets like Wordsworth and Coleridge. Thomas contends that this cultural shift has created unrealistic expectations that damage marriages when the initial romantic intensity inevitably fades.

Drawing on Katherine Anne Porter’s 1940s essay “The Necessary Enemy,” Thomas emphasizes that mature love must accommodate the reality of conflicting emotions within marriage. Porter observed that individuals can simultaneously love and hate their spouses, much as children experience contradictory feelings toward parents. This psychological complexity, Thomas argues, cannot be sustained by romanticism alone, which “has no elasticity to it” and “simply shatters” under the weight of human imperfection (16).

Thomas illustrates these principles through personal narratives, recounting how his own marriage evolved from an intense engagement marked by mystical connection and grand missionary aspirations to the mundane reality of rental videos and laundry routines. This trajectory, he suggests, is not a failure but an opportunity for transformation. Influenced by Christian monastic traditions that historically elevated celibacy above marriage, Thomas initially struggled with whether married life compromised spiritual dedication. However, he came to view marriage as a spiritual discipline comparable to monastic practice—not despite its challenges but precisely because of them. According to Thomas, the daily confrontations with selfishness, the 3 a.m. diaper changes, and the necessity of considering another person’s needs function as spiritual formation tools that reshape character toward Christlikeness (living one’s life by the example of Jesus Christ).

The author’s framework challenges contemporary Western culture, which typically positions personal happiness and romantic fulfillment as primary life goals. Thomas argues that when individuals expect their spouse to provide ultimate fulfillment—something he believes only God can offer—they place impossible demands on the relationship. This claim suggests that humans possess spiritual needs that human relationships cannot satisfy, positioning marriage not as an end in itself but as a temporary institution that can point individuals toward their eternal relationship with God in the afterlife.

Chapter Lessons

• Romantic love alone cannot sustain marriage because it lacks the flexibility needed to accommodate the conflicting emotions and imperfections inherent in any long-term relationship between flawed human beings.
• Marriage functions as a spiritual discipline that confronts individuals with their selfishness, immaturity, and character flaws, providing daily opportunities for transformation rather than primarily serving as a source of personal happiness.
• Expecting one’s spouse to provide ultimate fulfillment places unrealistic demands on marriage when only a relationship with God can satisfy the deepest spiritual longings that individuals experience.
• The challenges and mundane realities of married life—from managing finances to raising children—are not obstacles to spiritual growth but rather the very mechanisms through which transformation occurs.

Reflection Questions

• When you think about your own relationship expectations (whether currently married, previously married, or hoping to marry), do you tend to seek ultimate fulfillment from a romantic partner, or do you recognize limitations in what any human relationship can provide? How might adjusting these expectations change your approach to relationships?
• Thomas describes how the daily challenges of marriage—managing household responsibilities, navigating conflicts, and accommodating another person’s needs—can serve as opportunities for personal growth rather than simply obstacles to happiness. Can you identify specific challenging aspects of a close relationship (romantic or otherwise) that have revealed character issues or prompted personal development in your own life?