Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
47 pages • 1-hour read
Gary L. ThomasSacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
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Chapters 11-12Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 11 Summary & Analysis: “Make Me a Servant: Marriage Can Build in Us a Servant’s Heart”
Thomas argues that marriage serves as a divinely designed training ground for developing a servant’s heart, which he identifies as the essence of Christian character. Drawing on Philippians 2: 3-4 and Christ’s example of taking on “the very nature of a servant,” Thomas contends that authentic Christian marriage requires both partners to shift from asking “What will I receive?” to “How can I serve my mate?” (164). This transformation, he argues, directly challenges the self-centered motivations that often drive people to marry in the first place.
Thomas grounds his argument in both biblical theology and contemporary examples. He cites theologian Otto Piper’s definition of marriage as “a reciprocal willingness of two persons to assume responsibility for each other,” positioning mutual service as central to marital spirituality (165).
The author directly confronts exploitative distortions of service, particularly the historical imbalance in which wives were expected to serve unilaterally. Thomas sharply criticizes the mail-order bride industry and contractual marriage arrangements that reduce spouses to servants, calling such arrangements “lifetime prostitution” (166). His position reflects post-feminist Christian thinking that seeks to preserve biblical teaching on mutual submission while rejecting patriarchal abuse. However, Thomas maintains that, in his view, the feminist emphasis on equality sometimes leads to self-absorption rather than the mutual service God intends.
Thomas extends his framework to practical marital domains, including household responsibilities, finances, time allocation, and sexual intimacy. He argues that sexual desire creates “absolute power” within marriage, which spouses can either exploit manipulatively or use to serve generously (179). By framing sexuality as an opportunity for spiritual growth through selfless giving rather than selfish taking, Thomas attempts to reclaim an integrated spirituality for married couples. Historically, Christian spirituality privileged celibacy, treating marriage as a barrier to spiritual growth. Thomas argues instead that marriage’s daily demands for compromise, sacrifice, and service make it an ideal context for becoming Christlike. The key shift involves becoming “God-dependent rather than spouse-dependent,” finding fulfillment in pleasing God through service rather than demanding appreciation from one’s partner (176).
Chapter Lessons
- Shifting from self-absorption to a servant mentality reflects authentic character development in line with Christian teachings.
- Sacrificial love means tangible costs—giving up time, comfort, hobbies, or even career opportunities for a spouse’s welfare.
- The absolute power created by sexual desire in marriage can either corrupt through manipulation and withholding, or sanctify through generous, selfless giving.
- Conflicts over money and time typically mask deeper power struggles about whose needs matter most. Approaching these practical issues as opportunities to develop a servant’s heart transforms mundane disputes into spiritual growth moments.
Reflection Questions
- When you consider the past few weeks of your marriage, can you identify specific instances where serving your spouse cost you something significant—time, comfort, preferences, or other resources? What prevented you from serving more sacrificially, and what would it take to overcome those barriers?
- Thomas describes sexuality as an area where one has “absolute power” that can either corrupt or serve (179). How do you typically approach sexual intimacy in your marriage—as something you’re giving generously, demanding as a right, withholding manipulatively, or somewhere in between? What does your honest answer reveal about your spiritual maturity?
Chapter 12 Summary & Analysis: “Sexual Saints: Marital Sexuality Can Provide Spiritual Insights and Character Development”
In this chapter, Thomas explores how marital sexuality can serve as a spiritual discipline that fosters character development and deepens one’s relationship with God. Thomas acknowledges that many Christians struggle with feelings of shame and guilt surrounding sex due to early negative exposures and centuries of Christian teaching that viewed sexual desire as sinful. However, he argues that within the protective boundaries of marriage, sexual intimacy can become a means of spiritual growth and an encounter with divine presence.
Thomas traces the historical Christian ambivalence toward sexuality, noting that from the Middle Ages through recent centuries, church teachings heavily regulated marital sex and often portrayed it as problematic. Augustine’s influential teaching that sexual intercourse transmitted original sin entangled sex with guilt for generations. This perspective stands in contrast to Jewish theological traditions, which viewed procreation as a partnership with God and recommended sexual intimacy on the Sabbath as an act of faith. Thomas suggests that contemporary Christians can benefit from reclaiming this more positive Jewish understanding.
The chapter offers a practical theological reframing: Thomas emphasizes that God designed sexual pleasure intentionally, pointing out that the female clitoris exists solely for pleasure, demonstrating divine endorsement of sexual enjoyment. He urges readers to replace guilt with gratitude, suggesting couples even pray together, thanking God for sexual pleasure. This stance represents a significant departure from traditional evangelical purity culture, which often emphasizes sexual abstinence before marriage but provides little positive teaching about marital sexuality.
Thomas also addresses the spiritual dangers of reducing sex to mere physical gratification. He argues that Christian spouses should view each other as brother and sister in Christ, not merely as sexual partners. This perspective, Thomas contends, protects against pornography addiction and unhealthy sexual obsessions by anchoring sexual desire in spiritual fellowship rather than physical stimulation alone. The chapter reflects a broader evangelical movement in the early 21st century to develop healthier, more integrated approaches to sexuality that neither demonize nor idolize it.
Finally, Thomas suggests that the physical longing inherent in sexual desire mirrors humanity’s deeper spiritual longing for God. The incompleteness individuals feel apart from their spouse reflects the incompleteness humanity experiences apart from God. By embracing this vulnerability and learning to give one’s body generously even as it ages and changes, married individuals can practice giving love that reflects Christ’s love for the church. This theological framework attempts to sacralize an aspect of human experience that many religious traditions have struggled to integrate meaningfully.
Chapter Lessons
- Marital sexuality can function as a spiritual discipline when grounded in proper theology that views sexual pleasure as God’s good gift rather than something shameful.
- Christians can benefit from adopting elements of Jewish theological tradition that celebrate sex as a partnership with God, while maintaining that spouses are primarily brothers and sisters in Christ.
- Sexual desire within marriage mirrors the deeper human longing for God, and learning to manage sexual passion teaches valuable lessons about self-control, generosity, and vulnerability.
- Replacing guilt with gratitude through practices like thanking God for sexual pleasure can transform how individuals experience marital intimacy.
Reflection Questions
- Thomas describes how historical Christian teachings created guilt and shame around sexuality for many believers. How has your own religious or cultural background shaped your attitudes toward sexual intimacy, and what theological reframing might be helpful?
- The author suggests viewing sexual desire as analogous to spiritual longing for God. In what ways does this comparison resonate with or challenge your understanding of both sexuality and spirituality?
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