Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

In this chapter, Thomas explores the spiritual discipline of showing respect within marriage, arguing that Christian marriage calls individuals to focus on giving respect rather than demanding it.

Thomas draws on a maxim from Francis de Sales— “Have contempt for contempt.”—to emphasize how disrespect becomes destructive in marriage (52). He explains that respect is not merely a favor but an obligation rooted in Scripture, citing biblical commands to respect parents, elders, spouses, and ultimately everyone. The author argues that while all people desire respect, there is a spiritual mandate to actively honor one’s spouse despite knowing their deepest flaws intimately.

The chapter addresses how familiarity breeds contempt. Thomas challenges readers to combat this tendency by following Paul’s example in 1 Corinthians, where Paul thanked God for a deeply flawed church community because he focused on evidence of God’s grace rather than the community’s shortcomings.

Thomas also confronts gender prejudice in marriage, sharing the story of James, whose wife, Gail, felt disrespected as a woman. This section contextualizes Christian marriage within historical attitudes toward women, noting how Jesus deliberately challenged first-century misogyny by including women in his ministry. Thomas emphasizes that both men and women are created in God’s image (Genesis 1: 27, Galatians 3: 28), making contempt toward one’s spouse a form of dishonoring the Creator.

Thomas includes a section that addresses how men and women may experience emotions differently, illustrated by Thomas’s realization that his wife’s tears didn’t always signal devastation but were sometimes simply a physical response to stress. This understanding required him to adopt the “discipline of respect”—suspending judgment and seeking to understand his spouse’s experience rather than imposing his own interpretations (60).

Thomas offers practical guidance for cultivating respect: understanding what one’s spouse’s daily life is actually like, expressing gratitude regularly, accepting the fallen nature of the world (which means spouses will inevitably disappoint), and looking out for each other’s well-being. He emphasizes that mutual respect creates a contagious selflessness in marriage, transforming the relationship from adversarial to collaborative.

The chapter’s advice reflects broader evangelical Christian marriage literature that emerged in the late 20th century, which emphasized character development and biblical principles over romantic feelings. Thomas’s focus on respect as a spiritual discipline aligns with the movement toward viewing marriage as a tool for spiritual sanctification rather than merely a source of personal fulfillment. The lens of the text assumes the reader’s commitment to or interest in Christian ideology, making it difficult to apply for those with conflicting spiritual or ideological beliefs. However, the overarching lesson to cultivate respect for one’s partner carries much broader resonance.

Chapter Lessons

• Respect in marriage is a biblical command and spiritual discipline, not optional or conditional on a spouse’s behavior.
• Contempt grows when people focus on their spouse’s failures rather than evidence of God’s grace in their lives.
• Practical respect involves learning what a spouse’s daily life is truly like, expressing regular gratitude, accepting human limitations in a fallen world—one to which sin and human failing exist—and demonstrating mutual care through selfless actions.

Reflection Questions

• Thomas describes how contempt develops when familiarity replaces mystery in marriage. In your closest relationships, do you find yourself dwelling more on the other person’s shortcomings or on evidence of growth and grace? What practical step could you take to shift toward gratitude?
• The author challenges readers to understand what their spouse’s day is really like—the pressures, monotony, and fears they face. If you were to conduct an “inventory of your spouse’s difficulties” rather than their shortcomings, what might you discover about their experience that you’ve overlooked? (64).