Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

In this chapter, Thomas argues that marital difficulties serve as essential instruments for spiritual growth and character development. He draws on the metaphor of geological collision—specifically how the Indian subcontinent’s gradual collision with Eurasia created the Himalayas—to illustrate how the friction inherent in marriage can produce relationships of profound beauty and depth. Thomas contends that struggling through marital challenges, rather than fleeing from them, strengthens individuals spiritually and helps conform them to the example of Christ.

Thomas situates his argument within a broader Christian theological framework that emphasizes suffering as a necessary component of spiritual maturity. He cites historical Christian writers, including Dietrich Bonhoeffer, William Law, and Saint John of the Cross, all of whom taught that adversity refines believers’ character and that pursuing comfort undermines spiritual development. This perspective reflects a traditional Christian ascetic tradition that has deep roots in medieval mysticism and Protestant devotional literature. However, Thomas’s application of these principles specifically to marriage represents a more contemporary evangelical approach to marital theology that emerged prominently in the late 20th century.

The chapter presents two extensive biographical examples to support its thesis. First, Thomas examines Abraham Lincoln’s marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln, a woman he describes as temperamental, volatile, and prone to public outbursts. Despite these profound domestic challenges—including Mary’s verbal abuse, reckless spending, and psychological fragility following their son Willie’s death—Lincoln persevered in both his marriage and his political mission to preserve the Union during the Civil War. Thomas suggests that Lincoln’s refusal to abandon his difficult marriage directly strengthened the character traits necessary to hold the nation together during one of its darkest periods.

Second, Thomas explores Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s marriage to the famous aviator Charles Lindbergh. Anne, an educated, literary woman who valued privacy and intellectual pursuits, found herself married to a man whose worldwide fame obliterated any possibility of a quiet life. The marriage demanded that she sacrifice her writing, endure constant public scrutiny, and ultimately face the kidnapping and murder of her 18-month-old son—a tragedy compounded by photographers breaking into the morgue to publish images of the child’s body. Yet Thomas argues that these very difficulties, when met with “mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable,” liberated Anne to become an accomplished pilot, radio operator, and bestselling author (137).

Thomas’s argument reflects a particular moment in American evangelical thought that emphasizes personal transformation through adversity rather than therapeutic self-care or the pursuit of emotional fulfillment. Writing in 2000, Thomas was part of a counter-movement against the high divorce rates and therapeutic culture of the late 20th century. His framework assumes that individuals possess significant agency and resources to transform suffering into spiritual growth through virtue and commitment, which may resonate less with contemporary readers who have less support and fewer resources, or who place greater emphasis on mental health, boundaries, and leaving genuinely harmful relationships. The chapter does not substantially address situations involving abuse, addiction, or psychological harm beyond brief mentions, which represents a significant limitation for readers facing truly destructive marriages.

Chapter Lessons

• Marital difficulties function as opportunities for spiritual growth when individuals choose to persevere through challenges rather than flee from them, developing character traits like faithfulness, patience, and self-sacrifice in the process.
• Historical examples demonstrate that individuals who endured difficult marriages—such as Abraham Lincoln and Anne Morrow Lindbergh—often developed the resilience and character necessary to accomplish significant life work and become influential figures.
• The pursuit of comfort and ease in marriage may indicate spiritual immaturity; mature Christians recognize that struggle, when approached with understanding, patience, and love, can strengthen rather than diminish one’s capacity for meaningful life.
• Transforming suffering into growth requires active engagement with Christian virtues rather than passive endurance; individuals must apply understanding, patience, openness, and vulnerability to their difficulties for them to become spiritually profitable.

Reflection Questions

• When facing difficulties in your relationships, do you tend to view them as obstacles to avoid or as potential opportunities for personal growth? How might shifting your perspective change your approach to relational challenges?
• Thomas argues that Lincoln’s difficult marriage prepared him to hold the nation together during the Civil War, while Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s challenging and painful circumstances eventually released her creativity and accomplishments. Can you identify any past difficulties in your life—whether in relationships, work, or other areas—that, in retrospect, contributed to your character development or prepared you for later challenges?