Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

“This is a book that looks and points beyond marriage. Spiritual growth is the main theme; marriage is simply the context. Just as celibates use abstinence and religious hermits use isolation, so we can use marriage for the same purpose—to grow in our service, obedience, character, pursuit, and love of God.”

Thomas positions marriage as one spiritual discipline among many, comparable to monastic practices historically valued in Christian tradition. By framing marriage as a tool rather than an end goal, he shifts focus from what marriage provides to what it produces in Christian believers. This perspective helps couples view challenges not as failures but as opportunities for the kind of transformation that other spiritual disciplines intentionally cultivate through difficulty.

“The reason the marriage relationship is often seen as a selfish one is because our motivations for marrying often are selfish. But my desire is to reclaim marriage as one of the most selfless states a Christian can enter. This book sees marriage the way medieval writers saw the monastery: as a setting full of opportunities to foster spiritual growth and service to God.”

Thomas acknowledges that many people marry seeking personal happiness, then critiques this motivation as fundamentally self-centered. His monastery metaphor reclaims marriage from consumerist thinking by emphasizing what individuals give rather than get. His advice to Cultivate a Servant’s Heart Through Daily Marital Responsibilities centers on establishing service, not satisfaction, as marriage’s primary orientation from the outset.

“This is not to suggest that romance itself or the desire for more romance is necessarily bad; after all, God created the romantic component of our brain chemistry, and good marriages work hard to preserve a sense of romance. But the idea that a marriage can survive on romance alone, or that romantic feelings are more important than any other consideration when choosing a spouse, has wrecked many a marital ship.”

Thomas distinguishes between romance as one marital component and romanticism as a destructive ideology that makes feelings the foundation of commitment. He validates romantic desire while warning against treating it as sufficient for lasting partnership. Practically, this means couples should nurture romance while recognizing that commitment, character compatibility, and shared values must anchor the relationship when romantic feelings inevitably fluctuate.

“Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simply shatters. Mature love, the kind demanded of a good marriage, must stretch, as the sinful human condition is such that all of us bear conflicting emotions.”

This metaphor of elasticity explains why relationships built solely on romantic feelings collapse under pressure—romantic love, Thomas argues,  is rigid and breaks when tested. Mature love, by contrast, accommodates the contradictions inherent in human relationships, including simultaneously loving and being frustrated by the same person. The quote reinforces the advice to reframe marriage as spiritual formation rather than personal fulfillment by acknowledging that spiritual growth requires embracing complexity rather than seeking constant positive feelings.

“I didn’t decide to focus on changing myself so I could have a tension-free marriage or so I’d be happier or even more content in my marriage. Instead, I adopted the attitude that marriage is one of many life situations that helps me draw my sense of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment from God.”

Thomas describes a crucial mental shift from using self-improvement to fix a marriage to using marriage as a context for spiritual development. This prevents the transactional thinking that treats character growth as merely another technique for achieving marital happiness. By orienting toward God rather than marital satisfaction, he believes individuals can pursue transformation regardless of whether their spouse reciprocates or whether the marriage immediately improves.

“But what both of us crave more than anything else is to be intimately close to the God who made us. If that relationship is right, we won’t make such severe demands on our marriage, asking each other to compensate for spiritual emptiness. If what we desire most doesn’t satisfy us, we will never be satisfied, even when our ‘desires’ have been met! That’s why finding our fulfillment in God is the cornerstone of a satisfied life. We can harm our marriages by asking too much of them.”

Thomas explains why even apparently “perfect” marriages leave people feeling unfulfilled when they expect spouses to meet needs only God can address. This theological claim suggests that marital dissatisfaction often indicates misdirected spiritual hunger rather than spousal inadequacy. Practically, this means when feeling disappointed in marriage, individuals should first examine whether they’re seeking from their spouse what they should be seeking from God.

“We need to remind ourselves of the ridiculousness of looking for something from other humans that only God can provide.”

This blunt statement challenges the cultural assumption that romantic partners should “complete” us or provide ultimate meaning. Thomas uses the word “ridiculousness” to emphasize how unreasonable these expectations are when examined theologically. His statement clarifies that even the best human love cannot satisfy the soul’s deepest longings.

“The first purpose in marriage—beyond happiness, sexual expression, the bearing of children, companionship, mutual care and provision, or anything else—is to please God. The challenge, of course, is that it is utterly selfless living; rather than asking, ‘What will make me happy?’ we are told that we must ask, ‘What will make God happy?’”

Thomas prioritizes divine pleasure over conventional reasons for marriage, framing it as the relationship’s primary function. Practically, this means making decisions about conflict resolution, intimacy, finances, and priorities by considering what reflects God’s character rather than what maximizes personal comfort.

“Love is not a natural response that gushes out of us unbidden. Infatuation does that—at the beginning of a relationship at least—but hate is always ready to naturally spring forth, like the ‘Old Faithful’ geyser at Yellowstone National Park. Christian love, on the other hand, must be chased after, aspired to, and practiced. The popular culture completely misunderstands this principle.”

Thomas contrasts spontaneous infatuation with deliberate Christian love, noting that negative responses come more naturally than loving ones. The Old Faithful metaphor illustrates how reliably hatred erupts without effort, while love requires intentional cultivation. This supports the book’s advice to Practice Active, Intentional Movement Toward Your Spouse by establishing that mature love demands continuous choice and effort rather than waiting for feelings to arise naturally.

“The fact that my wife is made in the image of God calls me to a far nobler response than simply refraining from being condescending to her. Certainly, it is wildly inappropriate for me to look down on Lisa because she’s a woman, but not acting with disdain toward her is a far cry from what her creation in the image of God really calls me to do, namely, to honor her.”

Thomas distinguishes between merely avoiding contempt and actively pursuing honor, arguing that marriage demands reverence for one’s spouse. This theological grounding elevates respect from good manners to spiritual obligation. The quote underscores why couples should Develop Mutual Respect as a Non-Negotiable Foundation by establishing that respect means honoring the divine image in one’s partner, not simply being polite.

“Instead of focusing your energy on resentment over how sparsely your spouse understands you, expend your efforts to understand him or her. As a spiritual exercise, find out what your spouse’s day is really like. Ask her. Ask him. Draw them out—what is the most difficult part of your day? When do you feel like just giving up? Are parts of your day monotonous? Is there something you constantly fear? Take time to do an inventory of your spouse’s difficulties rather than of your spouse’s shortcomings.”

Thomas provides specific questions for understanding a spouse’s inner world, reframing attention from criticism to compassion. The “inventory of difficulties” language transforms assessment from fault-finding to empathy-building. This practical application demonstrates how to develop mutual respect as a non-negotiable foundation by offering concrete steps for cultivating understanding in a way that counteracts contempt.

“Contempt is conceived with expectations; respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over—expectations, or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth—and the child will be named either contempt or respect.”

This birth metaphor presents contempt and respect as inevitable consequences of where couples focus their mental energy. Thomas suggests that dwelling on unmet expectations naturally produces contempt, while practicing gratitude generates respect. The imagery of birth emphasizes that these attitudes don’t appear randomly but result from deliberate cultivation of either resentment or appreciation.

“Infatuation can be an intoxicating drug that temporarily covers up any number of inner weaknesses. But marriage is a spotlight showing us that our search for another human being to ‘complete’ us is misguided. When disillusionment breaks through, we have one of two choices: dump our spouse and become infatuated with somebody new, or seek to understand the message behind the disillusionment—that we should seek our significance, meaning, and purpose in our Creator rather than in another human being.”

Thomas describes how initial romantic feelings mask personal issues that marriage eventually exposes. The “spotlight” metaphor illustrates marriage’s revelatory function, showing individuals truths about themselves they could overlook while infatuated. Reframing marriage as spiritual formation rather than personal fulfillment presents disillusionment as a spiritual opportunity to redirect one’s dependency toward God rather than relationship failure.

“Approached in the right way, marriage can cause us to reevaluate our dependency on other humans for our spiritual nourishment, and direct us to nurture our relationship with God instead. No human being can love us the way we long to be loved; it is just not possible for another human to reach and alleviate the spiritual ache that God has placed in all of us.”

Thomas explains that marriage’s inability to satisfy ultimate longings serves a purpose by redirecting attention toward divine relationship. Rather than viewing this limitation as marriage’s failure, he frames it as design: Marriage reveals where true fulfillment lies. Practically, when spouses feel unloved despite their partner’s best efforts, this quote suggests examining whether they’re seeking human love to fill a God-shaped void, which Thomas describes as a “spiritual ache.”

“Whenever marital dissatisfaction rears its head in my marriage—as it does in virtually every marriage—I simply check my focus. The times I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better husband rather than from demanding a better wife.”

Thomas shares a personal practice of redirecting his attention from criticizing his spouse to focusing on self-improvement. This shift from demanding change to embodying change represents the practical application of focusing on holiness over happiness. The quote demonstrates how to Use Knowledge of Each Other’s Sins to Encourage Growth, Not Gain Power, by emphasizing personal transformation rather than attempting to reform one’s partner.

“We proclaim the prophetic grace of marriage when we understand the sacredness of building a history together. Sharing an infatuation is fun, but it passes almost as soon as it arrives. It’s a fading reality. Building a sacred history together can be hard work but it grows through the years instead of fades. To enjoy a truly sacred marriage, we have to move from sharing an intense infatuation to building a sacred history.”

Thomas contrasts fleeting infatuation with enduring shared history, emphasizing that lasting significance comes from accumulated experiences rather than intense feelings. This quote reinforces the importance of perseverance by presenting the passage of time as adding value rather than diminishing romance.

“Struggling successfully and profitably brings a deeper joy than even trouble-free living. God created us in such a way that, in one sense, struggle keeps us interested and engaged.”

Thomas makes the counterintuitive claim that overcoming difficulty produces greater satisfaction than avoiding challenges altogether. This reflects his broader argument that marriage’s difficulties serve a spiritual purpose rather than indicating failure. Practically, this means couples might find more fulfillment working through conflicts than they would in relationships that lack depth or challenge.

“Obstacles arise, anger flares up, and weariness dulls our feelings. When this happens, the spiritually immature respond by pulling back, becoming more distant from their spouse, or even seeking to start over with somebody more exciting. Yet maturity is reached by continuing to move forward past the pain and apathy. Falls are inevitable. We can’t always control whether or not we fall, but we can control the direction in which we fall—toward or away from our spouse.”

Thomas acknowledges that emotional withdrawal during conflict is natural but characterizes it as spiritual immaturity. The “falling” metaphor offers grace for inevitable failures while emphasizing that individuals choose whether difficulties push them apart or together. This ability to practice active, intentional movement toward your spouse defines maturity as persistent forward movement despite obstacles.

“In this sense, a true Christian marriage proposal is an offer, not a request. Rather than saying in effect, ‘Will you do this for me?’ when we invite another to enter the marriage relationship, the real question should be, ‘Will you accept what I want to give?’”

Thomas reframes marriage proposals from asking for service to offering service, fundamentally shifting the relationship’s more traditional orientation. This perspective challenges the self-centered question “What will I get?” with the selfless question “What can I give?” The quote establishes the foundation for how to Cultivate a Servant’s Heart Through Daily Marital Responsibilities by positioning service as marriage’s essential posture from the very beginning.

“How do a husband and wife use money and time to serve instead of to dominate or manipulate? By appreciating your spouse, by seeking first to understand them, by emptying yourself and not immediately assuming that your task, your time, your perceived need is the most important. By remembering that I will be most fulfilled as a Christian when I use everything I have—including my money and time—as a way to serve others, with my spouse getting first priority (after God). This commitment absolutely undercuts petty power games.”

Thomas addresses practical marital conflicts over resources by framing them as opportunities for service rather than power struggles. He offers concrete behaviors—appreciation, understanding, self-emptying—that transform mundane disputes about schedules and finances into spiritual practices, showing how servant-oriented thinking resolves everyday tensions.

“Our passions are what make us come alive. The apathetic person is a pathetic person. While we often fear our passions because they can carry us into an affair, a fight, or some other destructive behavior, the solution is not living a less passionate life but finding the right things to be passionate about.”

Thomas challenges the common Christian tendency to suppress all passion due to fear of sin, arguing instead for redirecting passion toward appropriate objects. This perspective validates intense feelings while demanding their proper channeling. Applied to sexuality, this means embracing desire within marriage rather than treating passion itself as dangerous, transforming sexual intimacy into a context for experiencing and expressing God-given vitality.

“Marriage calls us to create—every day. It leads us into many and varied acts of creation. The creation, of course, must have a proper focus—namely, the glory of God.”

Thomas frames daily marital activities—communication, household management, parenting—as creative acts that mirror God’s creative nature. This elevates mundane tasks from obligations to purposeful participation in divine work. The quote suggests that couples oriented toward glorifying God can experience even routine responsibilities as meaningful rather than merely functional.

“It just may be that God gives us the marriage relationship to moderate and redirect our dreams. Forced to compromise, we learn to reevaluate what’s truly important. We are asked to reconsider our priorities and slow down long enough to look at someone else’s opinions or needs.”

Thomas presents marriage’s constraints on individual ambition as spiritually beneficial rather than frustrating. The “forced to compromise” language acknowledges that this redirection often feels unwelcome, yet it develops humility and perspective, underscoring the takeaway to Recognize Marriage as Temporary and Mission-Focused by showing how accommodating a spouse’s needs can refine rather than derail personal calling.