Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Thomas emphasizes that Christian love requires deliberate “falling forward” rather than passive romantic feelings (148). This means consistently moving toward one’s spouse through verbal communication, physical touch, and sustained effort to understand their inner world—even when one doesn’t feel like it. The principle extends to conflict resolution: Rather than withdrawing during disagreements or waiting for the other person to apologize first, he advises actively pursuing reconciliation and understanding. Consider a couple navigating different communication styles: one person who likes to process verbally, and another person who needs time alone. “Falling forward” in this example means that each partner stretches beyond their comfort zone: The verbal processor gives their partner space, while the internal processor commits to eventually sharing their thoughts rather than indefinitely avoiding difficult conversations.

Thomas contends that respect in marriage transcends politeness; it requires deliberately focusing on evidence of God’s grace in one’s spouse rather than cataloging their failures. The author draws on Francis de Sales’s maxim “Have contempt for contempt,” urging couples to actively combat the familiarity that breeds criticism (52). Practically, this means conducting what Thomas calls an “inventory of your spouse’s difficulties” rather than their shortcomings: understanding the daily pressures they face, the fears that drive certain behaviors, and the contexts that shape their responses (64). This discipline also requires expressing regular, specific gratitude and looking out for each other’s well-being through concrete actions.

Marriage’s intimate proximity exposes character flaws that might remain hidden in other relationships, creating both danger and opportunity. Thomas warns against using this knowledge manipulatively—withholding affection when one’s spouse fails, bringing up past mistakes during arguments, or leveraging weaknesses to win conflicts. Instead, he encourages viewing awareness of each other’s struggles as sacred information that enables them to gently encourage Christlike character. When a person notices their spouse displaying impatience with their children, for instance, the spiritually mature response isn’t to criticize or humiliate, but to later have a compassionate conversation about what triggered the reaction and how they might support better patterns. This also means redirecting energy from trying to reform one’s spouse toward examining one’s own need for transformation.

Thomas identifies service as the essence of Christian character, arguing that marriage provides unparalleled training in selflessness through its constant demands for compromise and sacrifice. This goes beyond occasional grand gestures to include mundane daily choices: whose career takes priority when opportunities conflict, how household labor gets divided, how they spend discretionary time, and how they approach sexual intimacy. The key shift involves becoming “God-dependent rather than spouse-dependent”—finding fulfillment in pleasing God through service rather than demanding appreciation or reciprocation from one’s partner (176). When approached as spiritual discipline rather than obligation, conflicts can transform into opportunities for developing Christlike character.