Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? by Gary Thomas, originally published in 2000, is a Christian spirituality book that reframes marriage as a spiritual discipline rather than primarily a source of personal fulfillment. Written for married Christians, couples preparing for marriage, and anyone interested in integrating faith with intimate relationships, Thomas challenges the cultural assumption that romantic satisfaction should be marriage’s ultimate goal. Drawing on centuries of Christian spiritual tradition—from Augustine and Francis de Sales to contemporary theology—Thomas argues that marriage’s difficulties serve as instruments for character transformation and a deeper relationship with God.

Key Takeaways:

• Reframe the Goal of Marriage as Spiritual Formation Rather than Personal Fulfillment
• Practice Active, Intentional Movement Toward Your Spouse
• Develop Mutual Respect as a Non-Negotiable Foundation
• Use Knowledge of Each Other’s Sins to Encourage Growth, Not Gain Power
• Cultivate a Servant’s Heart Through Daily Marital Responsibilities
• Recognize Marriage as Temporary and Mission-Focused

This guide refers to the 2015 Kindle edition published by Zondervan.

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Summary

Thomas structures his argument by systematically dismantling contemporary Western assumptions about marriage and constructing an alternative vision rooted in Christian spirituality. He begins by tracing how romantic love became central to marriage only in recent centuries, creating unrealistic expectations that damage relationships when initial passion fades. Thomas contends that when romance diminishes, couples should embrace this transition as an opportunity to develop mature, sacrificial love.

The book explores marriage through multiple theological lenses. Thomas presents marriage as an analogy for God’s relationship with humanity, particularly emphasizing how the commitment to reconcile with one’s spouse mirrors Christ’s work of reconciliation with the church. He examines how marriage affects prayer life, arguing that disrespecting one’s spouse hinders communion with God. Throughout, Thomas emphasizes that marriage exposes character flaws that might otherwise remain hidden, forcing individuals to confront selfishness, impatience, and contempt in ways that solitary spiritual practices cannot.

Practically, Thomas offers guidance on cultivating respect, developing a servant heart, managing sexual intimacy as spiritual discipline, and maintaining proper communication. He draws extensively on historical examples—from Abraham Lincoln’s difficult marriage to Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s constrained circumstances—demonstrating how persevering through marital challenges builds character essential for meaningful life work. Thomas also addresses how couples can support each other’s individual callings without competition, viewing marriage as temporary but purposeful preparation for an eternal relationship with God.

Central to Thomas’s vision is the principle of “falling forward”—actively moving toward one’s spouse through intentional communication, physical affection, and sustained effort to understand their inner world, even during conflict (148). He critiques both traditional patriarchal imbalances and contemporary therapeutic culture’s emphasis on personal fulfillment, proposing instead that resilient marriages are created through mutual service and by becoming “God-dependent rather than spouse-dependent” (176). The book concludes by envisioning couples as “holy units” whose relationships become acts of worship in and of themselves, integrating spiritual formation with the daily realities of family life rather than treating spirituality as a solitary pursuit (247).