Self-Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind To Yourself

The book presents self-esteem as a weak and superficial form of self-flattery. By emphasizing how people’s levels of self-esteem cannot predict their level of talent or likeability, the author depicts this form of self-concept as particularly flimsy and subjective. She laments that people, especially children, are encouraged to have high self-esteem and believes that its emphasis on achievement and talents often leads to disappointment.

In contrast, Neff argues that self-compassion helps people cultivate a grounded and realistic sense of self-worth without conditions or putting anyone else down. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion focuses on connecting and relating to others and accepting negative feelings and failures. The author concludes that self-compassion “offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others” (7). This presents self-compassion as having all the benefits of self-esteem without the drawbacks. Viewing school grades, sports, and other contests through a lens of self-compassion can help reduce feelings of high or low self-esteem that are based on performance.

One facet of Neff’s argument is that people can generate compassion for themselves and others by recognizing everyone’s common humanity. People should resist needless competition and social comparison, two instincts that divide people into winners and losers. Instead, the author encourages people to focus on the similarities all people share as part of the human condition. This can apply to social media, in which influencers and content creators present idealized versions of their lives, resulting in feelings of inadequacy for users. Remembering that social media images aren’t grounded in real life can help people feel happier and more positive when they are engaged in their own lives and in the lives of those around them.

The author frames self-compassion as the first step towards being able to give compassion to others. This includes friends, family, and even strangers. She points to how self-compassion is rooted in mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness, all of which help people generate positive feelings towards others as much as themselves. For instance, the author claims that practicing self-compassion in a stressful situation, such as being at the airport, can help people recognize their distressed emotions and feel more open to acknowledging others’ stressful experience too. She explains, “This will help de-escalate your emotional reactivity and put you in a more peaceful frame of mind” (234).