44 pages • 1-hour read
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind To Yourself
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Part 3Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Content Warning: This section of the guide includes references to ableism, emotional abuse, mental illness, bullying, and disordered eating.
Part 3: “The Benefits of Self-Compassion”
Part 3, Chapter 6 Summary & Analysis: “Emotional Resilience”
Mindfulness builds emotional resilience during challenges. Unfortunately, humans are not innately positive-thinking. In fact, humans are wired to be more sensitive to negative information. Scientists call this “negativity bias” and attribute it to the evolutionary necessity to be especially aware of dangerous and threatening experiences. This bias is considered universal and is believed to play a role in humans’ survival. While adaptive, negativity bias makes it harder for people to focus on the good in life, and people spend more time obsessing over negative thoughts than appreciating positive ones. This can lead to rumination, a negative thought cycle that repeats endlessly. Some people are more prone to rumination and the depression associated with it, which is a negative effect of negativity bias.
On one hand, Neff’s evolutionary explanation of negativity bias helps the reader understand why so many people struggle with repeated negative thoughts. The scientific overview frames negativity bias as a survival mechanism that can be kept in check with awareness, suggesting that one’s biology is powerful but not completely beyond influence. The use of evolutionary and neurological research grounds her work in science, rather than conjecture, bolstering her legitimacy and overall argument.
On the other hand, Neff’s argument oversimplifies the causes of depression and overemphasizes the universality of negativity bias. Studies have shown that the world’s major languages have a positivity bias, meaning that positive words are more prevalent in human communication (Peter Sheridan Dodds, et al. “Human language reveals a universal positivity bias,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 9 January 2015). There is also a widely documented tendency in memory called the “positivity effect” (or “Pollyanna Principle”), whereby positive memories are strengthened while negative ones fade over time (Sarah J. Barber and Hyunji Kim. “The Positivity Effect: A Review of Theories and Recent Findings,” Oxford Academic, October 2021, pp. 84-104). Positivity and negativity can also be cultural: Positivity bias is strong in the United States but not in China, where researchers find a balance between positive and negative outlooks (Will Deng, et al. “People from the U.S. and China think about their personal and collective future differently,” Memory & Cognition 51, 20 July 2022, pp. 87-100). These examples show that acknowledging negativity bias as a strong influence on one’s daily thinking is important, but it shouldn’t overshadow the complex cognitive and cultural factors that contribute to one’s mindset.
Turning to personal examples, Neff recalls how her friend Rachel, a pessimistic and often depressed person, eventually embraced self-compassion in the form of mantra reminders and felt her negative outlook and moods finally relent. She argues that, as seen in Rachel’s story, self-compassion helps people stop their rumination and allows negative emotions and physical sensations to dissipate.
Neff also provides an anecdote from her own life, explaining that she often wakes up anxious in the middle of the night. Instead of allowing her thoughts to run wild, she visualizes this experience as a passing storm. Neff’s personal anecdotes demonstrate self-compassion as a powerful tool of intervention when in the grips of negative mindsets. By pointing to her and Rachel’s mantras and visualizations, the author reminds the reader that self-compassion tools are simple and completely accessible to everyone.
The chapter concludes with more research that extols the benefits of self-compassion, as it makes people less judgmental, heightens their emotional coping skills, lowers their cortisol, and helps to alleviate Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). While self-compassion does not immediately remove pain, it allows it to fade or transform in its own time.
Chapter Lessons
- Becoming aware of negativity bias and how it influences perceptions.
- Using mindfulness to notice the positives and not take them for granted.
- Trying concrete exercises to mindfully acknowledge negative feelings instead of allowing them to become rumination.
- The importance of being consistent in one’s practice.
Reflection Questions
- Think about how often negative thoughts spiral out of control and turn into rumination. Do they have a certain trigger or subject matter? What kind of self-compassion exercise could help?
- Think of three good things you usually take for granted but would be devastated to lose. Take a moment to acknowledge their positive role in your life.
Part 3, Chapter 7 Summary & Analysis: “Opting Out of the Self-Esteem Game”
Neff questions the scientific and popular perceptions of self-esteem. She acknowledges that self-esteem is associated with happier moods and better life outcomes but argues that it is just as likely a consequence, rather than a cause, of certain behaviors. People with high self-esteem are not necessarily better people; many bullies have high self-esteem. Self-esteem can be the product of delusion and actually inhibit people’s development. For instance, a high school basketball player might feel great about their athletic skills and downplay the importance of academics, but their positivity about themselves is blinding them to the weaknesses they should actually work on. Moreover, self-esteem is often dependent on people’s perceptions of others’ judgements and therefore is unreliable as a source of real self-worth. By questioning the causality between high self-esteem, happiness, and life choices, the author makes an effort to debunk the notion that raising self-esteem results in happy, healthy lives. The research and examples Neff uses suggest that self-esteem based on perceptions and delusion is a temporary band-aid solution to real issues of self-worth.
Neff points to studies that reveal that people with high and low self-esteem often have similar levels of skills and likeability; the difference is their perceptions of themselves. She explains, “In other words, high self-esteem isn’t associated with being a better person, just with thinking you are” (140). Narcissists are people with unusually high self-esteem. A common myth is that narcissists puff themselves up to cope with their insecurities, but Neff disagrees; she believes that narcissists really do adore themselves above all else and heaping more praise on them does not help to heal them from their delusions. Unfortunately, contingent self-esteem isn’t much better; basing your self-worth on your performance compared to others is a recipe for disappointment. The author believes that people confuse their self-concept with their actual self and must let go of their longing for a perfect, positive self-concept, which would never capture the nuance and changeability of their real selves anyway.
Neff argues that modern parents, educators and legislators have become too worried about fostering self-esteem in young people through curriculum and parenting strategies that mindlessly praise kids and encourage narcissistic perspectives. In her scathing review of modern culture’s obsession with self-esteem, Neff reveals how very high or low self-esteem can cause people to lose touch with reality and disconnect them from others.
Neff’s critique strongly distinguishes self-esteem from self-compassion. Practicing self-compassion does not require people to delude themselves about their skills or only feel good if they perform well. It involves offering kindness to oneself no matter the circumstances. Research has shown that self-compassion is associated with all of the benefits of self-esteem and none of the drawbacks. When practiced mindfully, self-compassion quiets the ego, shifting it from the forefront to the background of one’s mind. The author’s explanation of self-compassion shows how she values balanced and reasonable perceptions of reality and gently disarming the ego. These potential benefits of self-compassion frame it as a grounded alternative to building self-esteem. Once again, Neff does not consider the nuances, the identity, and the deep historical and sociological causes of low self-esteem in some groups. This limits the usefulness of her approach and blurs the boundaries between her discussion of self-esteem, which she considers illusory, and self-worth, which she considers valid.
Chapter Lessons
- Self-esteem is often rooted in delusion or achievements, causing people to devalue themselves during challenging times.
- Self-compassion boosts positive self-image and happiness without the drawbacks of self-esteem.
- Practicing self-compassion encourages connectedness and nuanced perceptions, quieting the ego and building more genuine self-worth.
Reflection Questions
- Do you think you have high or low self-esteem? Why? What is your self-concept based on?
- Reflect on the changes in your self-esteem over the course of your life. What caused these changes? What is your perspective on these events now?
Part 3, Chapter 8 Summary & Analysis: “Motivation and Personal Growth”
People often use positive motivation to help others succeed but use harmful self-criticism to motivate themselves. Unfortunately, self-criticism is associated with depression and anxiety, neither of which are helpful motivators. Anxious people often self-sabotage by procrastinating, putting in a half-hearted effort, or not trying at all to avoid feelings of failure. Meanwhile, self-compassion helps people cope with failure and build real self-belief, which research shows is a proven factor in achievement. This is particularly evident in sports psychology. For instance, in wrestling matches, when all other factors are equal, self-belief can predict who wins. Neff’s continued critique of self-criticism emphasizes its significant downsides, persuading the reader that their habit of self-criticism could be fostering mental distress.
Neff attributes the power of self-compassion to its foundation in love, which provides feel-good hormones and a sense of security. Self-criticism, on the other hand, is fear-based, making people feel more insecure and stressed. Neff confronts the stereotype that self-compassion is about constantly indulging in one’s desires and praising oneself. Instead, she frames self-compassion as a mature kind of care, which is not always about being praised or getting one’s way, but about kindly directing oneself towards real growth. She explains, “Being nurturing toward those we care about means sometimes saying no. In the same way, self-compassion involves valuing yourself in a deep way, making choices that lead to well-being in the long term” (165). This description of self-compassion emphasizes its power as a practical tool for self-development rather than a feel-good coping strategy (even though it serves that purpose, too). By framing self-compassion this way, the author adds nuance to this concept and encourages the reader to think of it as a support system for their self-growth.
Adding to this point, Neff associates self-compassion with intrinsic motivation, which stems from people’s desire to learn, as opposed to extrinsic motivation, which is more performance- and results-oriented. Research shows that people with self-compassion are more likely to have intrinsic motivation, seeing failure as a learning opportunity. Self-compassionate people can actually challenge themselves better—and therefore accomplish more—because they do not fear failure and can cope with challenges. She writes, “Far from being a form of self-indulgence, self-compassion and real achievement go hand in hand” (170). While thought-provoking, Neff’s association of self-compassion and achievement could be better supported by more evidence. Her references to sports psychology don’t consider the complex mental and emotional dynamics of which self-belief is only a part. Taking constructive criticism is necessary for success in any endeavor, so her binary between self-compassion and self-criticism in achievement is a bit simplistic. In any case, her assessment invites the reader to consider how they have motivated themselves in the past and whether their self-criticism helped them achieve their goals or spiraled them into depression or anxiety.
Next, Neff shifts her discussion of self-compassion to body image. While self-criticism surrounding the body is associated with disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and other mental health issues, self-compassion interrupts and softens negative thoughts about one’s appearance, habits, or weight. Research shows that being encouraged to be self-compassionate reduces participants’ feelings of shame and their overeating. Neff encourages readers to consider the parts of their bodies they like and are grateful for. She then suggests that they come up with changes they would like to make and challenges them to do so with kindness and not judgment. By suggesting this exercise, the author demonstrates that self-compassion does not immediately erase one’s body anxieties, but it is a tool to accept lingering dissatisfaction with a loving mindset. In this way, Neff’s discussion resembles body neutrality, a more realistic and less-demanding form of body acceptance than “body positivity” that focuses on appreciating the body’s functionality rather than assessing its positive or negative attributes.
Chapter Lessons
- Self-criticism can stifle curiosity and motivation.
- Self-compassion fosters healthy motivation, self-belief, and resilience to failure.
- Acknowledging failure, weakness, or desired changes can be done with kindness.
- It’s better to frame one’s self-perception and goals using self-compassion rather than fear or self-criticism.
Reflection Questions
- Have you ever used self-criticism as a motivation tool? What was the result?
- Consider one goal or change you would like to make. What would self-compassionate motivation look or sound like in this area of your life?
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