By heightening empathy and awareness, self-compassion makes loving relationships deeper and more satisfying. Romantic relationships can provide much-needed acceptance and validation, but some people struggle to accept that their partners really love the “real” them. By framing personal insecurity as a root cause of relational problems, the author sets up self-compassion to be a cure-all for romantic relationships. This perspective may not reflect the myriad of problems that people can experience in romantic partnerships and should not be considered an exhaustive account of a person’s potential issues, especially situations that include childhood trauma, sexual violence, or abuse.

Neff shares the story of her friend Diane, who tried to hide her controlling personality around her partner, Eric. Over time, her tension and perfectionism began to show, causing her to lash out at Eric. By discussing these patterns, Eric and Diane learned that her controlling tendencies were caused by a traumatic incident in her teen years. By responding to her criticism with kindness and patience, Eric helped her learn to extend the same to herself, and the two of them began to dialogue rather than fight. This anecdote builds on Neff’s overall argument that compassion is inherently relational. By showing how compassion interrupts cycles of blame and conditioned emotional reactions, Neff suggests that partners who give compassion to themselves are better able to extend it to their partners, too.

To apply self-compassion in a relationship, Neff recommends considering one’s own “emotional buttons” and the fears or desires that might be prompting these reactions. Instead of jumping to negative conclusions or blaming, Neff tells the reader to focus on accepting one’s own feelings and calming down through self-compassion. By identifying one’s own needs and trying to satisfy them, people can avoid heaping too much pressure on their partners to anticipate and fulfill their needs. This approach implies that people expect too much of their partners, and that fulfilling one’s own emotional needs can be an act of love for one’s relationship. As such, this advice neglects to address relational problems in which one partner is actually neglected or abused by the other.

Relationship expert John Gottman warns couples against four red flags in relationships: “criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling” (225). Neff believes that self-compassion helps to diminish each of these negative behaviors. She writes, “We’re less likely to be harshly critical, show contempt, or be ego defensive during an argument if we experience the emotional safety needed to acknowledge our own role in the dispute” (226). Neff cites research which shows that people who have high levels of self-compassion tend to be less critical and more affectionate towards their partners.

Interestingly, having high self-esteem does not appear to have positive or protective benefits for one’s relationship. By revisiting the proven differences between self-esteem and self-compassion, the author depicts self-compassion as a mindset of kindness which promotes togetherness while self-esteem is a more egoic perspective which separates people from their partners.

The author shares how taking “self-compassion breaks” during arguments has greatly helped her relationship with her husband. This quiet moment provides time for reflection and softens their reactions and hurt feelings. Beyond simply calming feelings and fostering dialogue, self-compassion helped Neff and her husband free themselves from years of painful childhood conditioning in relationships. Neff’s memories about the evolution of her relationship depict self-compassion as a practical tool to defuse conflict and foster mutual understanding. They also suggest that self-compassion works best when both partners are committed to the practice.

Neff laments how our society seems to have a conflicted relationship with sexuality; while hypersexualized messaging is ubiquitous, there is still a discomfort and stigma towards many aspects of sexuality, especially those that fall outside of heteronormativity. Young people in particular are bombarded with pressure to be casually sexual, or to swear off sex altogether until marriage. Neff argues that self-compassion helps people become more accepting of their real sexual desires, which may or may not fit an accepted societal mold. By focusing on living authentically, people will not devalue themselves by using sex to seek validation or societal approval. Neff shares that her own personal pain used to impact her sex life, but by sharing her feelings openly with her husband and practicing self-compassion, she healed in this part of her life. Neff’s sensitive and inclusive passage on sexuality acknowledges that societal stigma and confusing trends are barriers to loving and satisfying sexual experiences. By acknowledging society’s paradoxical discourse on sexuality, the author encourages the reader to consider what is shaping their sexual attitudes and how self-acceptance might help them in this area of their life.

Chapter Lessons

• Practicing self-compassion reduces negative behaviors like criticism, stonewalling, contempt and defensiveness.
• Discuss self-compassion with your partner and try to take self-compassion breaks during arguments.
• Childhood experiences inform your patterns and reactions in romantic relationships.
• Practice self-acceptance of your sexuality.

Reflection Questions

• Which of the red flags do you recognize in your relationship? What experiences or emotions could be informing these behaviors? How could you share this with your partner?
• Reflect on how self-compassion could make you more self-sufficient. Do you have any needs or desires which you could fulfill yourself before asking your partner for help?